By Ginita Wall, CPA, CFP®
While it may not always feel like it, your divorce is more than just an ending. It can be the beginning of an exciting new chapter in your life. In the months and years after divorce, a myriad of new options will unfold. And the best part is—you’re in charge now. Whatever your goals may be, your life is uniquely your own, and you’re in the driver’s seat.
Map your financial future. As you approach the end of your divorce, it is likely you will have weathered the largest single financial and legal transaction of your life. No matter how well you do financially in the divorce, it can be scary. Often the six- and seven-figure lump sums that are obtained from a pension rollover or retirement plan or the sale of a house are one-time, non-replaceable assets. This is serious money and it must be carefully invested based your new circumstances. Making the right decisions for this one-time windfall can go a long way toward making sure you have a comfortable retirement, provide for your kids’ college education and even leave a legacy for your grandchildren.
Find the right direction. Suddenly being on your own to deal with such issues as money, children, and career changes, and the need to make decisions on the family home can feel overwhelming. Peace of mind comes from having a course of action for the days ahead and a strong support team to guide you. Be sure to choose a financial planning professional who specializes in navigating the divorce process.
Build your recovery team. There is a burgeoning field of financial advisors who specialize in providing advice on the financial questions people face during and after divorce. One designation for such a specialist, the one I have received, is the Certified Divorce Financial Analyst (CDFA) accreditation. It is not the only certification for the specialty so you may find advisors with other certifications as well. Your divorce recovery team should also include a qualified accountant and estate-planning attorney. You may even want a therapist, career counselor, or QDRO specialist (for pension or retirement account divisions) on board. Working with the right people will contribute greatly to restoring your feelings of well-being and self-confidence.
Ask the right questions. How much will it cost you to live post-divorce and how will you generate income? How much spousal support will you receive and for how long? What is the most efficient way to split retirement accounts and take receipt of the money? How might a business or medical practice be offset? Would you benefit from a lump sum payment rather than monthly spousal support? What should you do with the house? Most important of all, what should you do to manage your settlement post-divorce?
Your financial team can help you identify your unique needs and goals going forward. But it’s not only about the facts and numbers. It’s equally important to integrate the softer, subjective issues you face. The process of moving forward is as important as the final terms of the divorce decree. Really great financial planners are not simply strategists but also compassionate mentors and guides.
Begin to enjoy your new life. Money is intertwined with every aspect of your life—your home, your children’s education, even the quality of your health care. As you enter the new road of life ahead, consider your options: set goals, take a class, plan a trip, or find a new job. Creating goals for yourself, learning new skills, and keeping busy will help you feel a sense of purpose and empowerment. That is not to say you won’t have low times. Everyone does. But the bad days will be fewer as the good ones become more frequent.
I know that divorce is one of the most emotionally difficult events you will ever experience. But believe it or not, over the years I have seen thousands of people who went through the divorce process and not only survived, but thrived. That is what I wish for you. Time to rebuild…and flourish!
Ginita Wall, CPA, CFP® is a Certified Divorce Financial Analyst in San Diego, and is director of the non-profit Women’s Institute for Financial Education (www.WIFE.org). She is author of eight personal finance books, including The ABCs of Divorce for Women and the booklet “150 Ways to Divorce Without Going Broke” and is a columnist at Divorce360.com.
September 9th, 2008 at 9:14 pm
One of my good friends found out in the spring her husband was cheating on her. She did try to work it out; he would not give up the woman he refers to as his “soul mate” (naturally!). She got divorced in less than 2 months and has since gone back to her maiden name and is heading toward a new life with her two kids, who refuse to have anything to do with their dad. She’s taking steps to move forward, including, believe it or not, redecorating. She’s starting with the bedroom, she said. Another friend is her decorator and is providing not only advice on fabrics and colors, but also on getting the house she deserves. THe decorator friend gave her the book, Create the Space You Deserve, which offers up all kinds of tips and ways to heal by creating a new home (even if it’s the same home). It gives my friend power to make choices for herself. My friend says she is starting to see her way to her new life, thanks to this book.
September 14th, 2008 at 2:21 pm
Hello Elizabeth,
Starting with your bedroom is an excellent idea. As founder of the National Association of Divorce for Women and Children, part of our mentoring program
includes redecorating a woman’s bedroom with one of our experts who is an interior decorator.
This includes painting the walls and trim, window treatments, new linens, etc. We also have a non-profit organization to cover the expenses.
It is amazing how this empowers women.
Joanie
October 6th, 2008 at 9:34 pm
My “home” immediately changed after my divorce. I was a navy wife. When he left the navy, he left the state and he left me and our 3 children. We had to abruptly move out of navy housing–to low income housing–
Divorce is like death…maybe even worse because it goes on and on. I have been divorced for 15 years. In those years I have raised 3 children, earned two BA’s and MA in Counseling.
I have dated many good and caring men since my divorce. I have been proposed to three times. But I never allowed myself to feel the DEEP connection with another man that I once felt with my ex husband whom I have known since we were both 15 years old.
We were married for 7 years when he decided to cure his unhappiness by starting an emotional and sexual affair with an old friend from high school. He refused to admit what he was doing until after I found this woman’s panty shield and a very graphic letter to her written by him on the day of our anniversary.
It took YEARS for me to heal from all of this. And I thought I had 100%…let it all go. Recently, however, I have started feeling a faint pain in my heart because I feel that this should be a time when our marriage would be going into a very nice new phase. The kids are grown, we would have paid of our home and been able to travel, live and love.
I know “used-to-be’s” don’t count anymore. But now as a woman just over 40 reviewing my life and readjusting my plans, goals and priorities…I find I must experience yet another death of sorts.
I never realized how cyclical—like, Life, pain can be. There was a time when I hardly though of my lil marriage or life with my ex at all besides the constant reminder I saw in my children’s eyes. I know that this is just a season. I shall. move beyond this again–and hopefully I shall not have to return again soon.
I embrace Healing…Wealth…Love…Health…Joy…Passion…Freedom