Are you grieving over the loss of a loved one?  If you are grieving and are having trouble being with others, here are a few ways to better deal with your loss.

1. Grieving is a natural part of life – we grieve when we lose something we love.

• For some reason, in the West, we deal with grieving, death and dying, as unspeakable subjects.
• It is as though we think if we don’t talk about them, they will go away.
• But they don’t go away because they are inherent in life; the cycle of birth and death rages on.

1. There is no “normal” timeframe to stop grieving – the grieving stops when you are done mourning.

• If you surrender to the natural process of grieving, you will move through grieving and be done when you are done.
• Everything is moving and changing all the time.
• When you feel the passing of something, you need to allow yourself to grieve and give yourself permission to feel your sadness.

1. Do not pretend to be “happy” if you are not.

• Pretending is the opposite of authenticity.  To feel is to be authentic.
• Every death – the death of a loved one, the losing of a job, the ending of a relationship, even though it might have been dysfunctional, – summons up every other death. Judith Rossner says in her book August, “After the first death, there is no other.”
• Whether you are around friends, family, acquaintances, or strangers, understand that grieving is a natural and normal part of life. and you will feel sad when you lose someone you love.

1. Talk about the person you loved and lost … even if it makes others feel uncomfortable.

• You have a right to talk about things you want to talk about as much as the next person.
• It is not your job to make someone else feel comfortable.
• If you need professional help, get it.

1. You cannot think your way through grief – you must feel.

• I often say the only way to HEAL is to FEEL.
• Thinking keeps the “feelings” in the head, in a very intellectual way, never allowing them to come down and rest in the heart
• Until you are willing to feel your feelings of sadness, you can never move through the natural process of grieving.

In a national competition, Chandra Alexander, MSW, was selected by THE OPRAH MAGAZINE as the Life Coach to deliver a series of coaching sessions to the grand prize winner of their prestigious Toyota Moving Forward contest. She also spent five years on NBC/TV “DAYTIME” giving a weekly “Reality Check”. Chandra has been living and teaching authenticity for the last 30 years and is the founder of Coaching for Authenticity, a place to explore and discover the essence of who you really are.

Are you and your partner compatible but have no sexual chemistry? If you are struggling with this issue, you are not alone. My experience is that all great relationships have both chemistry and compatibility.

1. If you feel this is a problem, it is. Ignoring it makes it worse.

• This problem does not go away, not matter what excuses you make or how much you want it to disappear.
• Actually, over time, it gets worse.
• Neither chemistry nor compatibility is able to hold the relationship alone

1. You are not being selfish to want both.  You deserve it.

• Ask yourself:  Do I deserve to have both a best friend and a lover in the same person?
• And mostly, do you deserve love?
• You need to answer yes to this question.

1. You cannot talk yourself into chemistry or compatibility.

• There is only one thing sadder than two people who have good sexual chemistry yet can’t seem to be good friends, and that is best friends who just don’t have that sexual chemistry.
• Oftentimes, best friends stay together and deny their sexual nature.
• Resentment usually builds over time.

1. When you have both, the relationship grows in a healthy way.

• All healthy relationships have both chemistry and friendship; this is what allows the partnership to grow and flourish.
• The only way to make-up is with friendship and chemistry.
• Chemistry draws us back to other person even when we are angry and friendship makes us glad we got over our differences.

    5.  This is the cycle and both are needed to complete the circle.

• We are hard-wired for chemistry and your hard-wiring is connected to another’s hard-wiring.
• Respect creates compatibility and sustains it.  Without respect, compatibility goes.
• Compatibility nourishes chemistry and chemistry enlivens compatibility. 

In a national competition, Chandra Alexander, MSW, was selected by THE OPRAH MAGAZINE as the Life Coach to deliver a series of coaching sessions to the grand prize winner of their prestigious Toyota Moving Forward contest. She also spent five years on NBC/TV “DAYTIME” giving a weekly “Reality Check”. Chandra has been living and teaching authenticity for the last 30 years and is the founder of Coaching for Authenticity, a place to explore and discover the essence of who you really are.

Did you both agree that you’d be a stay-at-home mom and now your husband tells you “You have it easy?” Do you feel you do “everything” around the house and feel resentful because of it?

1. Did you both decide you would stay home and raise the children and he would have a job outside the house?

• If you both decided on how you would divide the duties in your house, why are you now having these issues?
• Just because a woman agrees to take care of the children does not mean she will take care of everything. It also does not mean that she can be financially irresponsible and not know what she has and doesn’t have.
• And just because a man makes the money, does not mean that he is not part of taking care of the house and children.

2.  Both partners do different jobs during the day, but at day’s end, both are parents and both are responsible for the life they have created.

• Expressing gratitude for one another’s contribution is the key to a strong, healthy relationship. 
• Does your husband value what you do as much as he values what he does?
• Are you secure in what you do and do you feel like an equal partner in the relationship? 

3. Does your husband or partner tell you “You have it easy” and do you defend your position?

• If you feel you are doing your job, never let anyone tell you that you have it easy; and never defend yourself.
• When your partner says that to you, he is either being critical or resentful; he is not sharing his real feelings with you.
• If one partner is resentful, it will erode the relationship. 

4. Does the moneymaker have the power in your relationship?

• It’s unfortunate, but making money seems to often take precedence over doing good work.
• Do not feel controlled because you do not make the money.
• If you feel powerful in your position, you will not allow yourself to be diminished.

5.  Do you feel that what you do is as important as what your husband does?

• You need to feel good about what you do. If you feel your contribution is less than your husbands’s or feel you are afraid to work for a living, you will always be in a one down position.
• Knowing you can take care of yourself, gives you the power to do whatever you want and feel good about it.
• Remember, no one can ever make you feel less about yourself unless you feel that way already.

In a national competition, Chandra Alexander, MSW, was selected by THE OPRAH MAGAZINE as the Life Coach to deliver a series of coaching sessions to the grand prize winner of their prestigious Toyota Moving Forward contest. She also spent five years on NBC/TV “DAYTIME” giving a weekly “Reality Check”. Chandra has been living and teaching authenticity for the last 30 years and is the founder of Coaching for Authenticity, a place to explore and discover the essence of who you really are.

Is your relationship in jeopardy and are you wondering whether to leave or stay? Here are some questions to ask yourself before you make this life changing decision.

1. Have you stopped blaming your mate and accepted 100% responsibility for your part in this relationship?

• One hundred percent!! Not fifty percent or seventy percent.
• Accepting full responsibility for your life and the relationship you created automatically gives you back the power to create something different going forward.
• Regardless of what happened, you decided to stay in this relationship as long as you have.  You could have left at any time. 

1. Are you willing to do whatever you have to do to work on your issues?

• First, are you willing to look at just yourself and not your partner?
• Unless you are prepared to focus on your stuff, you will always end up making excuses.
• The best time to leave a relationship is when you know you have done all you can do to work on your issues and still you are not in sync with your partner.

1. Do you feel this is where you “belong”, no matter what the trials and tribulations?

• Is there more good stuff than bad stuff? 
• I have a friend that says, “We love the ones who stay”. So many people are willing to bolt once the real living takes place. People are different from one another. No matter how much you care for someone, there are going to be times when you simply don’t want to be there.
• Sometimes we just know this is where we belong.

1. Are you willing to be brutally honest with yourself and your partner?

• Being brutally honest means not ignoring the red flags and knowing when enough is enough.
• Never stay when you are being physically abused or emotionally disrespected and diminished.
• Leave when you feel you have done all the things you need to do for you to make it right and it still feels wrong.

Do you feel your child is out of control? If so, it is important to understand how out of control children are often the result of parents without boundaries.

1. Out of control behavior occurs because we allow it.

• We teach children how to behave by the way we behave. If you lose your temper and become frustrated, that is the behavior you are teaching your child.
• Children intuitively know whether you mean what you say.
• Unless you are willing to be inconvenienced when disciplining your child, you will never be able to go the distance in getting the job done. 

1. It’s a child’s basic nature to test limits.

• It is a child’s basic nature to say yes and go, when we say no and stop.
• This is what children do. This response is not so much testing you as it is testing for them.
• How far can they go and stretch before someone says stop and means it? They are waiting for someone to say stop.

1. Children need boundaries to feel safe and understand the world.

• You need to win.  That means you are willing to do whatever it takes to make them feel safe.
• Boundaries create safety; they give children parameters for moving about in this crazy world.
• Out of control children are yearning for boundaries, stopping posts along the way that give direction and grounding.

1. Regardless of age, children are smart and instinctively understand family dynamics. Ex. How to pit mother against father.

• The most important aspect of parenting is for one parent to be in sync with the other.
• Children automatically recognize the weak link and if they feel they can get their way by pitting one parent against another that is what they will do.
• This is normal and natural and what all healthy children do.

1. Nothing controls behavior better than discipline and love. (You may not like or tolerate your child’s behavior, but you can still love him.)

• If you are out of control, your child will be out of control.
• It is important to distinguish between behavior and essence.
• You can not like your child’s behavior but still love your child – and you need to make sure your child understands that.

In a national competition, Chandra Alexander, MSW, was selected by THE OPRAH MAGAZINE as the Life Coach to deliver a series of coaching sessions to the grand prize winner of their prestigious Toyota Moving Forward contest. She also spent five years on NBC/TV “DAYTIME” giving a weekly “Reality Check”. Chandra has been living and teaching authenticity for the last 30 years and is the founder of Coaching for Authenticity, a place to explore and discover the essence of who you really are.

Starting a new relationship and afraid of making the same mistakes again? If you don’t learn from past experience – what’s the point? As all of us know, there is no end to the number of times we can keep making the same mistakes. Learn how to stop what doesn’t work!!

1.  
   1. Accept responsibility for EVERY relationship you have ever been in.
      • None of this 50/50 BS. Take 100 percent responsibility and you will take back 100% of your power.
      • I had a moment of enlightenment many years ago when I was getting out of a major relationship. My friends agreed with me that he was so shallow and I was so deep (ah…to have good friends); a real mismatch. But my realization.. was that for the time we were together we were a perfect match. My stuff overlapped his stuff and that as much as I complained about his ability to be intimate, if I could have really done it, (be intimate), I certainly wouldn’t have stayed with someone who couldn’t as long as I did.
      • YOU are the one constant in every relationship you are in.
   1. Do not have “overlap relationships”. You need time to process feelings and information.
      • The absolute worse thing you can do when getting out of a relationship, is to quickly get in another.
      • You need time to process; to figure out what went wrong, what was good, what was bad. If you don’t spend this time you will never be able to learn from your mistakes.
      • You also need time to grieve. Even if you are glad to be out, don’t forget, you had hopes and dreams and none of them are going to happen. There’s a certain sadness when dreams don’t come to fruition.
   1. Do not rationalize. If it doesn’t feel good, it probably isn’t.
      • Do you pay attention to the red flags or do you just ignore them because you have an agenda (to be in a new relationship) and don’t want to be thrown off course?
      • Remember – What is in darkness is going to come to light eventually.
      • Be brave. Deal with your feelings even though feeling them might scare you. It’s all coming out. It’s just whether it comes sooner or later.
   1. Spend time alone. Unless you can be alone, you will never have healthy relationships.
      • Spending time alone, being able to enjoy your own company is the key to all good relationships.
      • Do you like your own company? Are you afraid to be alone?
      • If the answer is yes – that is exactly what you need to do.

In a national competition, Chandra Alexander, MSW, was selected by THE OPRAH MAGAZINE as the Life Coach to deliver a series of coaching sessions to the grand prize winner of their prestigious Toyota Moving Forward contest. She also spent five years on NBC/TV “DAYTIME” giving a weekly “Reality Check”. Chandra has been living and teaching authenticity for the last 30 years and is the founder of Coaching for Authenticity, a place to explore and discover the essence of who you really are.

Do you constantly think about the past or fantasize about the future? If you do, you are missing the ONLY way to have a great life – living in the present moment.   When you live in the past or the future:

1. You are always in your head thinking, never just experiencing the moment.

• Thinking your way through life, you have kept the energy above the neck, and it needs to be below the neck, in the heart.
• When the mind is quiet, the heart opens. (In other words, when you stop thinking, you automatically end up in the present moment.)
• Only then, can you experience joy.

   2.  Thinking keeps you one step away from the action.

• The action is the moment, the present moment.  There is nothing else.
• Anything else is either the past or the future.
• Remember, even when you go to the past or the future in your head, you are still thinking in the present moment.

   3.  Fantasizing is different than actually doing something about your dreams.

• There is nothing wrong with planning for the future; that is very different than feeling your life cannot begin until some future date.
• We fantasize instead of do.  Step up, be present, and start doing things that will build your future. 
• If you are WAITING for something to happen before you will feel good, even if that something comes, it will never make you feel good for very long. 

    4.  Always talking about the past keeps you stuck and fearful.

• We keep going to the past because we are immobilized.
• We may rationalize that the future is scary but that is only because we refuse to accept the present moment and make the required changes.
• Memories are wonderful but they do not substitute for a life today, right now.

     5.  Know that the future is nothing more than the present projected forward.

• I often have clients that wonder what the future will be like. I tell them that if they do nothing different than what they are doing today, that what they have at this moment will be their future.
• Look at today.  It’s your present moment but a month ago it was your future in the making. 
• At every moment you are living out your destiny (what you have created in the past) and at the very same moment you are creating your future by how you deal with what has come to you.

In a national competition, Chandra Alexander, MSW, was selected by THE OPRAH MAGAZINE as the Life Coach to deliver a series of coaching sessions to the grand prize winner of their prestigious Toyota Moving Forward contest. She also spent five years on NBC/TV “DAYTIME” giving a weekly “Reality Check”. Chandra has been living and teaching authenticity for the last 30 years and is the founder of Coaching for Authenticity, a place to explore and discover the essence of who you really are.

Are you looking for your match and not quite sure how to find it? Here’s what to look for and the clues and questions to ask yourself:

1. You learn what you want by knowing what you don’t want.

• We never wake up one day and know exactly what we want. Everyone learns through a process of elimination.
• We usually go in through the back door, figuring out all the things we don’t like. “Not this, not this”, we say all the while moving closer to what works for us
• If you don’t feel “clearer” as to what works for you, you are doing something wrong.

1. You will attract to you who you are.

• You will automatically attract a match for your vibration.
• If you don’t like what your are attracting, stop and take a look at yourself.  Take responsibility for “pulling” the wrong kind of person for you. 
•  Stop until you can honestly reassess and know you have broken that dysfunctional pattern. 

1. There is never a “right” time to say what you feel. Speak up – share feelings and ask questions.

• Right now is the right time. There is never a right time not to be nervous.  We all get nervous when we put our feelings on the line.
• When you try to figure out when the right time is, you lose important time, time that belongs to you.
• Be dignified, treat the other the same way you would want to be treated, take a deep breath and speak your feelings.

1. Unless you learn from your mistakes, you will keep repeating what doesn’t work.

• There is no end to the number of times you can make the same mistakes.
• You will be old and not look good in your clothes if you don’t learn from your mistakes.
• Grow old gracefully and do things differently.

    5.  Ask yourself, “Do I feel comfortable being “me” in this relationship?’

• Do you feel accepted – as a work in progress? 
• Do you feel comfortable in your own skin when you are with your partner?
• Can you laugh at yourself?

In a national competition, Chandra Alexander, MSW, was selected by THE OPRAH MAGAZINE as the Life Coach to deliver a series of coaching sessions to the grand prize winner of their prestigious Toyota Moving Forward contest. She also spent five years on NBC/TV “DAYTIME” giving a weekly “Reality Check”. Chandra has been living and teaching authenticity for the last 30 years and is the founder of Coaching for Authenticity, a place to explore and discover the essence of who you really are.

Do you lie? Do you know that the focus of lying is never about the lie, but about the person telling it?  Things You Need To Know About Lying: 

1. Lying has nothing to do with the specific lie being told; it has to do with a person’s character.
   • Lying is NEVER okay. 
   • Ask yourself – If you told this person the truth might he make a decision other the one he is making?  When your objective is to deceive or withhold information from the other person in some way, you are lying.
   • Check out Sisela Bok, 1978, Lying, Moral Choice in Public and Private Life. (Clich here to learn more about lying)

1. If you excuse lying sometimes, you will continue to lie.
   • Do not excuse lying.  You tell yourself you do not want to hurt her feelings, but in the end, you end up hurting her more.
   • Sometimes it is difficult to tell another how you are really feeling, but at this point it is merely a communication problem.
   •  Learn how to be authentic and at the same time take into account another’s feelings. 

1. When you allow lying in your life, you lose your dignity and self-esteem.
   • We ALL know lying is bad, a sign of weak character. 
   • When you lie, only you know that; and you suffer from a lack of self-esteem and self-respect. 
   •  You cannot have real relationships without dignity and self-esteem.

1. Lying creates secrets and secrets isolate people from one another.
   • Lying is a betrayal between two people and deprives the person being lied to of making decisions based on the truth. 
   • We all deserve the right to decide for ourselves what is best for us. 
   • Without honest and accurate information, we cannot do that.

1. Lying destroys love.
   • This says it all.

In a national competition, Chandra Alexander, MSW, was selected by THE OPRAH MAGAZINE as the Life Coach to deliver a series of coaching sessions to the grand prize winner of their prestigious Toyota Moving Forward contest. She also spent five years on NBC/TV “DAYTIME” giving a weekly “Reality Check”. Chandra has been living and teaching authenticity for the last 30 years and is the founder of Coaching for Authenticity, a place to explore and discover the essence of who you really are.

Are you constantly stressed out and don’t know what to do? We’re told that we need to manage stress. But is managing stress the best we can do? How about getting rid of stress rather than managing it?

1. “Managing” stress is avoiding the problem.

• Deal with the problem. We are usually stressed out because we are not dealing with what is.
• We rationalize unpleasant and unhealthy situations because confronting them produces anxiety. What we don’t realize is that not dealing with them produces anxiety in the form stress. 
• What stresses us out is what we fear. 

1. Confront issues by accepting responsibility. Don’t blame others.

• Whenever you feel stressed, look to yourself to relieve the stressors.
• Your attitude in regards to accepting responsibility for the life YOU have created is what eliminates stress.
• I would much rather deal with a specific problem, feel the fear and anxiety, and know that it is not going to last forever. Stress is something we constantly carry with us when we do not deal with our issues.

1. Do not rely on time to make things better…. it can also get worse.

• Remember, time does nothing but pass.
• Things that are good may get better, but things that are bad get worse over time.
• It is what you do with time that makes the difference.

1. Change your attitude even if you cannot change the situation.

• It is not what happens to you in a life but what you do with what happens to you.
• Your ability to face a problem head-on and not make excuses is crucial in the elimination of stress.
• The minute you take your power back and accept responsibility, the stress is relieved.

1. Do things differently if you do not like the results you are getting.

• We all know what Einstein said: “Doing the same thing again and again and expecting to get a different result is insanity.
• If you wait until you feel like doing it differently, it will not happen.
• This is where you need to use your intellect. The old way is not working – do it a new way and see what happens.

In a national competition, Chandra Alexander, MSW, was selected by THE OPRAH MAGAZINE as the Life Coach to deliver a series of coaching sessions to the grand prize winner of their prestigious Toyota Moving Forward contest. She also spent five years on NBC/TV “DAYTIME” giving a weekly “Reality Check”. Chandra has been living and teaching authenticity for the last 30 years and is the founder of Coaching for Authenticity, a place to explore and discover the essence of who you really are.