Divorce can be one of the most stressful times of your life- it’s painful finishing your relationship, it can get messy and when children are involved it gets even more emotionally complicated. You have to deal with your own pain, and try your best to help your children through it, too. Kids all react to divorce differently. You’ll need to be both strong emotionally and patient with them, because children tend to cope with divorce by acting out in some ways. A few steps you can take to help make the change for your kids as painless as possible:

1. Talk to them. They’ll need to know exactly what changes will happen, in the most straight-forward language as possible. This means no playing the blame-game or pointing fingers at your almost-ex. You should both show your children a united front, letting them know that it has nothing to do with them. That you still love them unconditionally, even if your relationship with your partner has changed. Also watch what and how you say things to other people when your children are around. They’ll be listening closely and any additional negativity will be picked up on.
2. Make the change gradually. Try to keep things as normal as possible. Small changes over a period of time helps children adjust to the divorce. You should also include them in the process, or explaining as you go why these changes are happening. The more honest you are, without judgment, the better off your kids will be in understanding and coping.
3. Let them express themselves. They’ll be adjusting just as much as you are to the divorce. Keep tabs on their emotions, and pay attention to any changes or mood swings. Let them tell you how they’re feeling openly. They might not say what you want to hear but they need to know their feelings are just as important as yours. They shouldn’t feel like they’re walking on eggshells, and if they think they have to hold things in they’ll be reactive later.
4. Be supportive. Helping your children cope with your divorce involves a lot of security issues. They need full knowledge that they’ll have some changes, but that they’ll still be loved and taken care of by both of you. This doesn’t mean that you should shower them with toys, but give them emotional affection. Remember that each child reacts differently: some will be much quieter, some will act as if nothing happened or that there aren’t any changes and some will have behavior issues, even months after the divorce.
5. Give yourself time for you. You’ll need to be strong enough for both you and your children, which means keeping to the same schedules they’re used to, eating right and taking care of yourself. You’ll have your own emotional needs to take care of- it’s a long process. The best way you can help your children with the divorce is by making sure you’re OK.

It will be difficult getting you and your family through the divorce. But you can do it. Realizing how to help your children cope can help you put the pieces back together. Giving you all the ability to move forward in a positive way.

Admitting to yourself that you’ve made a mistake is difficult enough, but confessing adultery to your spouse is much worse. You’ve probably built up the conversation in your head dozens of times. You know it’s the right thing to do, admitting adultery to your partner. Confessing you cheated. They deserve to know. The fear of the repercussions are sometimes stronger than your will to be f air and respect your spouse. However, it’s a lot better if they find out from you. By waiting you’re taking the chance that someone else will confess your adultery to your spouse for you, further destroying communication in your relationship. Here are some things to keep in mind for the very serious discussion:

1. Choose your time wisely. You’ll want to make sure that the atmosphere is quiet, private and calm for a long talk. You’ve already been unfair to your spouse by committing adultery- you don’t need to add to the humiliation they’ll feel by doing it in public or in front of other people.
2. Prepare how you’re going to present it. It might help to make notes to clarify your thinking. Make sure there’s no blame involved on your spouse- you made the choice to cheat, they didn’t. Also be ready to give them space and time. As much as they need, as long as they need.
3. If you want your marriage to survive this, you’re going to have to be patient and sensitive to your spouse’s needs. Don’t ‘protect’ them by leaving out details or avoiding any questions they may have about the Other or your infidelity. It may be hard, but saving your marriage after confessing adultery to your spouse involves a lot of work on your side.
4. Be accountable for your actions and take responsibility for the pain you’ve caused. Cheating dents, if not erases, all trust and chance of intimacy for your relationship. It doesn’t mean you can’t still be affectionate, if that’s what your spouse needs, but respect their boundaries and the fact they’ll have to repair their self-esteem.
5. Don’t get discouraged if you’ve confessed your adultery to your spouse, and they’re distant for some time, are suspicious of your actions or are angry. Time will heal.
6. Many marriages go through cheating and come out eventually even stronger, if both partners are willing to work at it. It doesn’t have to be the end of your relationship. You taking the first step by being honest and coming clean about it is an excellent way to start the slow road to re-building.

A Child’s Perspective on Surviving their Parent’s Divorce
By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT

Max Sindell is a young man in his early twenties who has written a book for children titled, The Bright Side: Surviving Your Parents’ Divorce.

Sindell was six when his parents divorced. Over the next many years he experienced a wide array of significant divorce issues that affect so many families. These include coping with his parents’ arguments with and about one another, adjusting to travel between homes, remarriage, stepsiblings and juggling holidays and other special events. He wrote the book to help children identify their “voice” about all these issues. He also wants to show children ways to find the good that can come through and from divorce.

“The book is really supposed to be a quick handbook for making the most out of divorce and making it so that it’s the least of your problems,” Sindell says.

Sindell uses his own life lessons to walk children through the “downsides” of divorce, and focuses on ways to best handle them. In his chapter titled, “The Good News and the Bed News,” he says “I’d honestly say that my parents’ divorce is one of the best things to ever happen to me in my entire life: That’s the good news.” “On the other hand, divorce can make you wake up one morning realizing how much everything sucks,” he also adds.

Other topics he discusses include: “You Are Never Going to Have One Home Again” and “Your Parents Are Going to Fight.” But within each discussion he also provides positive observations, such as learning how to travel at a young age and developing more independence.

Within the book Sindell also offers his personal bill of rights for divorced children. These are worth discussing with your children. It reminds them that they are not alone in what they are going through. And is empowers them to learn that they deserve and are entitled to “rights” as they move through and beyond the divorce. Let me share the first five with you, which Sindell says children should actually require to be part of their parents’ divorce agreement.

THE DIVORCED KIDS’ BILL OF RIGHTS
(Excerpt from The Bright Side: Surviving Your Parents’ Divorce)
I. The Right to Be Safe and Feel Safe – A child should feel safe and secure. If there ever is a time you don’t feel safe, tell your parents, and if you can’t tell them, tell a counselor or tell a friend. This is your most important right.

II. The Right to Awareness – Every child has a right to know what is going on. Your parents should not lie to you or hide the truth from you about anything to do with you. While some things should remain private between your parents until you are older, if they’re having a discussion about your schedule, you have the right to know and to make your voice heard.

III. The Right to Counseling – Divorce can make you feel like you don’t have a say and don’t make a difference, and that’s exactly where a counselor comes in. A counselor should be someone whom you can talk to privately, without your parents there, and who can help you with your situation.
School counselors are not the only people you can talk to. Adult friends of the family who are unbiased, or the parents of good friends of yours, are also good people to talk to.

IV. The Right to Be Heard – Sometimes, when your parents are trying to sort out what they think is best for you, they can forget to listen to the most important person: You! If you can’t get them to listen to you by yourself, it’s important to have someone — a counselor or a friend — talk for you.

V. The Right to Be Your Own Person – Before your parents were divorced, there was you, your mom, your dad, and the other people in your family. The same is true now. Your parents have to respect your right to feel the way you feel. In dealing with stepparents, or the people your parents are dating, your rights stand. You must tell both your parents and their friends when any boundaries are crossed. If those boundaries are crossed in a major way, and you don’t feel safe, tell a counselor.
Put yourself in your child’s shoes and give these Rights some serious consideration before making any further decisions affecting your children. Talk to your children about what this means. It might open the door to some very meaningful conversations about topics you’ve never before discussed. Empowered children are happier children — less resentful and less likely to act out to get your attention. Isn’t that what you really want?

Meet Rosalind Sedacca
Rosalind is on the Panel of Experts for the National Association of Divorce for Women and Children and a contributor for “The Single Again! Now What?” blog.

As the Founder of the National Association of Divorce for Women and Children, Joanie’s passion is to help women be the best they can be as well as become role models for their children and community. The 24/7 Resource Center was created not only because of the lack of support and guidance Joanie experienced after her divorce, but for the many women who experience the same challenges.       

Joanie became a successful business owner of a True Value Hardware store at the age of twenty five. After eighteen years in the retail arena, she embarked on a professional career as a speaker, author, business/personal coach specializing in divorce and a Certified Behavior Specialist. She is also the Divorce Specialist for the National Association of Baby Boomers.

To continue to help provide a healthy lifestyle for women and children, Joanie is the Founder of the non-profit Happy Wednesday Foundation which provides funding for women’s educational mentoring programs during and after divorce.

For more support and encouragement during and after divorce, visit the National Association of Divorce for Women and Children.

Are you dating someone who is either married or separated? If you are – Things You Need to Know:

1.  There is a reason why divorce and separation are two different stages – one is final, one is not.

• It is always best to wait till someone is divorced.
• In my practice, I have known many people who have all the intention in world of getting divorced, but somehow never do.
• Also, many who are separated go back to their spouses.

2.In order to be fully present in one relationship, you must be out of the other.

• Ask if you are unsure of someone’s status.  Anyone really available will not begin a new relationship until out of the present one.
• I remember once asking a guy if he was divorced. He said, “It’s the same as being divorced”. I asked him just exactly what that was. He told me he had been separated for many years and that they had an agreement. Is that unattractive or what?
• Ask yourself – Do you really want to be with someone who is available for a real relationship?

3. Married people (separated people) are not available – period.

• OK. Here’s the deal. If you’re married, you are not really available to begin a new relationship. And what a crummy way to start a new relationship.
• If you are in the process of “getting” a divorce, much of the conversation is about that – what is going on with your ex., he said, she said stuff, lawyers and conversation about when the divorce will be final, etc.
• Do you want to begin a new, fresh relationship, talking about old, stale stuff?

4. If you really want intimacy, choose someone who is available.

• Intimacy is about openness and openness results from having closure.
• Only when you are done with one thing, can you begin another.
• Starting new means having taken the time to make peace with your past.

In a national competition, Chandra Alexander, MSW, was selected by THE OPRAH MAGAZINE as the Life Coach to deliver a series of coaching sessions to the grand prize winner of their prestigious Toyota Moving Forward contest. She also spent five years on NBC/TV “DAYTIME” giving a weekly “Reality Check”. Chandra has been living and teaching authenticity for the last 30 years and is the founder of Coaching for Authenticity, a place to explore and discover the essence of who you really are

There is no question that the shooting death of former NFL star Steve McNair was tragic. The question I have is why is the entire media referring to Sahel Kazemi as his ‘girlfriend’? After all he was married with 4 boys, no record of him filing for divorce. That qualifies as having an affair and she was his mistress.

McNair was cheating on his wife, and for some reason the media is giving the former NFL quarterback a pass.  As an example of the coverage, the NY Post says: ” His girlfriend, Sahel Kazemi, had a single gunshot wound to her head. ”

This is typical of the coverage to date.

McNair was and still is a role model, and by referring to Kazemi as his ‘girlfriend’, infidelity is being glorified. Is that the kind of message that we want to send to our children? Is this what society thinks of the union of marriage?

How about some truth in reporting. After all, McNair was having an affair.

CCCS provides tips for consumers about protecting their finances during divorce

There is evidence that couples’ financial problems are linked to increased levels of stress, conflict, and marital duress, as well as decreased levels of marital satisfaction (Sanchez and Gager, 2000), which clarifies the reason why financial problems are frequently cited as a major reason for divorce. Ironically, the financial problems that result from divorce may be even more severe. While it may be hard for people involved in an emotionally draining divorce to clearly think about their money, it is imperative they do. One of the most pressing concerns of newly divorced people is determining who is responsible for the repayment of debt.

According to Consumer Credit Counseling Services of the East Bay, a division of Money Management International (MMI), the first financial action after separation is to pull a copy of your credit report. You will want to review entries carefully and either close joint accounts or change them to individual accounts. Alert your secured lenders of your marital status and instruct them not to allow any changes without your permission. You may also want to “freeze” joint bank accounts or divide any funds into two individual bank accounts.

As preparation for the divorce, you and your spouse need to reach an asset settlement to be presented in court. This settlement agreement outlines how your debts and assets will be divided; it also includes plans for spousal and child support.

“To avoid future problems, it makes sense to develop a plan to pay off your debts prior to your divorce,” said Shirley Dean, education and community relations director for CCCS of the East Bay. “Remember, your divorce decree is an agreement between you and your spouse (not your creditors) on how your debts and assets will be divided. The contracts you signed with your creditors cannot be changed by the divorce decree. Whoever signed the original contract with the creditor will still be obligated to pay the debt after the divorce.”

As protection, your divorce agreement can include a clause stating that if the assigned debts are not repaid, you would be entitled to indemnification. After the fact, your only recourse may be to file contempt of court charges for failure to abide by the terms of the divorce decree. Keep in mind that still would not relieve you of your obligation on the debts.

Because divorce can be a very complex process, consider hiring a trusted financial advisor for help; be certain to ask about your advisor’s experience with divorce situations.

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About Consumer Credit Counseling Services
Consumer Credit Counseling Services (CCCS) is a non-profit, full-service credit-counseling agency, providing confidential financial guidance, counseling and debt management assistance to consumers for more than 47 years. CCCS helps consumers trim their expenses, develop a spending plan and repay debts. Counseling is available by appointment in branch offices and 24/7 by telephone and Internet. Services are available in English or Spanish. To learn more, call 800-762-2271 or visit their Web site at www.moneymanagement.org.

Tiffany Bass Bukow is the CEO & Founder of the #1 Personal Finance Website for Women and Families – www.msmoney.com. My life mission is to help people and the world thrive through creating companies that provide money, career and life skills education.