Women get paid less than men, in part, because women are less likely to ask. Especially young women. Myers cited a fascinating study from Carnegie Mellon University that studied a bunch of graduate students who were going out into the world to find their first post-college jobs, and found that men often got higher starting salaries were an astonishing seven or eight times more likely to just ask. And did you know, that by failing to negotiate that first salary, women stand to lose $500,000 by the time they’re sixty?  Women, apparently, are much more timid when it comes to negotiating their salaries and asking for what they’re worth.

There still aren’t enough women in politics, business, science, and academia. Women currently occupy 75 seats out of 438 in the House, and 16 of 100 seats in the Senate. 77 percent of university presidents, in a 2006 study, were male. Women held 14.7% of all Fortune 500 corporate board seats in 2007.

What would happen if women ruled the world? The main argument that Myers is making is that if women had more access to power, the world could be a better place. Women are exceptionally talented at communication, relationship-building, negotiation, and leadership (and she cites plenty of studies to back that up– read her book if you want all the evidence). Getting more women in positions of leadership in politics and business could lead to fewer wars, it could give a huge economic boost to developing countries; it could improve the environment, economy, and education system, which could have a huge ripple effect. Communities could be healthier, businesses more productive.

It’s also worth noting that she’s not a man-hater, although I’m sure she’ll get called that, since most feminists get called that at some point. In fact, I doubt you can be a really successful, notable feminist without being called a man-hater, bitch, or whiner at some point. But despite that, it is worth noting that she is a feminist but NOT hating on men. She thinks women should rule the world…but alongside men, not without men.

I often get a lot of questions and funny stares when people, particularly people in college, find out I write for a political website specifically for women. Is it feminist, people ask? No. So then why do women need their own site? Well, in part because when men talk about politics they claim to speak from a universal point of view, but when women talk about politics it’s still seen as a “minority” point of view — or I wouldn’t get such reactions in the first place. A political website written for and by women still elicits a double-take from most people because it’s still an uncommon thing. But it’s a necessary thing — and that’s why we’re doing it.

When men talk about politics as if they are experts, people listen and believe them. When women talk like experts, even when they are experts, they have to prove their credibility first and then people listen (maybe — but if they have a bad hair day or something, forget it). The problem Myers highlights in her fantastic book is exactly the problem that CJP exists to fight: the tired belief that women can only succeed in the corporate world and political world by becoming more like men and hiding the things that make women different.

Instead, what needs to happen is that women need to own their differences and talk about how our differences are positive, instead of hiding them. And people, particularly women themselves, need to recognize that our differences can actually make the world better.

Hear, hear! That’s what we’ve been hollering about at CJP forever!

Nisha Chittal is a writer and journalist who currently serves as Associate Editor of CitizenJanePolitics.com and is a political columnist for UniversityChic.com. Her personal blog is Politicoholic, where she offers commentary on a range of topics, including but not limited to politics, technology, and the changing role of women and Generation Y in politics today.

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What would happen if women ruled the world?

In catching up on recent entries, I discovered an assessment tool called the “Wheel of Life.”

“This assessment contains 9 areas that, together, represent one way of describing a whole life. This exercise measures your level of satisfaction and range of expression in these areas as a snapshot in time. As you work through the assessment you will find areas where you can acknowledge yourself on the success you have created and areas where you may want to improve your level of satisfaction. We will have some suggestions and coach-like pointers at the end, along with your completed wheel of life. Rank each statement on a scale from 1 (Highly Disagree) to 10 (Highly Agree) by dragging the sliders along the scale.”

I must admit that I firmly believe that I have a good life, so I thought that taking this assessment would be a breeze and that I would have a fairly smooth wheel. Ha! Check it out:

Not smooth at all. Now, the big question is: how do I smooth it out? What do I need to do to have a comfortable ride now and in the future?

Well, before I beat myself up about this, first I want to mention that my strongest areas are: Personal Growth; Health & Well-Being; and Love/Romance. That’s good! I’m really happy to know that I feel so positive about those areas.

Areas that could use improvement are: Money & Finances; Physical Environment; and Friendships. Here are my thoughts on improving those areas in the New year:

Money & Finances: we completed two cross-country moves in 2007 (including home buying and selling), which has had a lingering affect on our financial stability. I had expected that we would be solid again by now, but I think that it will take another year before we can get back to where we were before. Meanwhile, I have instituted a monthly check-in so that my husband and I can review our finances together. This is significant, as for the past 13 years I have handled most of our joint finances independently.

Physical Environment: I was surprised at how low this was, but perhaps it’s because I”m sitting at a messy desk! Having a small child makes our environment naturally a little messy, but I am going to focus on managing the mess in a way that allows me to still feel calm and happy in all rooms of our home.

Friendships: The truth is, my deepest friendships are within my family. This isn’t really a bad thing, but I recognize that it would be good to diversify a little bit and stretch myself to devote more time and energy to other relationships. The challenge, of course, is that I simply don’t have a lot of time or energy at the end of each day, and what I do have is dedicated to my husband and daughter. I have been thinking about this for several months though, and although I don’t think I can come up with a “solution,” hopefully I will at least get some ideas.

I highly recommend taking the assessment - it’s fun and enlightening! Let me know what you find out!

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Bumpy Ride

1. The more time you spend together, the more you like each other.

• Knowing another person’s secrets and vulnerabilities is an honor and must never be used against them.  There is nothing more hurtful than taking this privileged information and using it as a weapon. Unless you honor the depth of this communication, you can never have a strong relationship. 

1. You enjoy sex with your partner.

• Sex is not about having an itch and scratching it - it is about play, and the joy that comes from letting down your walls.  Being naked is a true metaphor for great sex; the openness that comes from taking off our costume and feeling comfortable in our nakedness.

1. You support one another’s interests, even if they’re different than your own.

• You have to really feel confident and loving to do this.  Do you need your partner to like the same things you like?  Supporting another’s interests comes from an open heart that understands the need to resonate to what is true for you, and not someone else.   

1. You don’t make the other person guess – You say what you need.

• Saying what you need is devoid of manipulation and the only way to have an authentic relationship. Sometimes it is not easy to speak up, but in the long run, it is always easier to bear the anxiety of shaking up the status quo than living with the  resentment and anger that comes with not getting what you want and need.

In a national competition, Chandra Alexander, MSW, was selected by THE OPRAH MAGAZINE as the Life Coach to deliver a series of coaching sessions to the grand prize winner of their prestigious Toyota Moving Forward contest. She also spent five years on NBC/TV “DAYTIME” giving a weekly “Reality Check”. Chandra has been living and teaching authenticity for the last 30 years and is the founder of Coaching for Authenticity, a place to explore and discover the essence of who you really are.

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5 Signs of a Strong, Healthy Relationship

Peter presents Why Self Awareness is Fundamental to Personal Growth (& How to Cultivate It) posted at The Change Blog. “The more doors we open the more doors we discover there are to be opened. Self awareness is the very beginning of personal development. It may very well be the ultimate end.”

Stephen says, “Hi Chandra, There are many tools out there that will help you get the most out of the Law of Attraction. The Law of Attraction is always working and running in the background - whether you use the tools or not. The fastest way that I know to manifest with the Law of Attraction is to use the ‘Appreciation Sob’. It has produced miracles for me out of thin air and it puts the Law of Attraction into over drive. See the article to learn more.”

Stephen Martile presents Accelerating the Law of Attraction (Appreciation Sob) posted at FreedomEducation.ca by Stephen Martile.

Surfer Sam says, “Do you truly know yourself? Do you like the person you see? Would you like to become a better person? Self-esteem is the value you place on yourself. It is your sense of personal worth, along with your confidence and your respect for yourself. You have hopes and dreams for yourself, but you don’t know how to reach them. There is a gap between wanting and having, a gap between desiring and realizing your desires. Take heart. You can make changes in your own life, real and lasting changes.”

Surfer Sam presents Building Self Esteem. Skills for Self Improvement and Self Help ! Surfer Sam posted at Surfer Sam and Friends.

MBB presents How To Become A Self Made Millionaire posted at Money Blue Book.   The Process Of Becoming A Millionaire Is Not A Get Rich Quick Scheme, But A Patient and Systematic Approach To Earning, Saving, and Investing Money.

Zhenren presents What is your motivation? posted at Seeing. Knowing. Doing.  He says, ” When your motives first formed, you were a different person, in different circumstances. Recognise this, and you may find that your motive evaporates in the light of your awareness.”

Kelly Turner presents Appetites: Why We Supress Them and Why We Should Stop posted at Grounded Fitness.  Kelly says,  “Women have so many more opportunites than we did 100 years ago. We can vote, go to college, hold jobs- more doors are open to us than ever before. We are equal; we are entitled; we are human. Why do we continue to be ashamed of and supress our most human desires?”

Jeff presents Core advice lasting you a lifetime posted at Gobs Health.     “Here is an article on a book I have high esteem for. It’s a summary of core principles created by Dale Carnegie and my reaction on how they can improve relationships with almost anyone.”  

Chris Edgar says, “Many of us, rationally or otherwise, get nervous in social situations because we worry that others are going to verbally attack us and we’ll be unable to “defend” ourselves.   How do we overcome this fear and regain a sense of composure in our interactions? In this article, I describe three approaches I’ve used myself and in working with others.” 

Chris Edgar presents Calling A Truce In The “War Of Words” posted at Purpose Power Coaching.

Mike Salara presents HOW TO MAKE PATIENCE WORK FOR YOU posted at Mike Salara.

Pearl mattenson presents What do you think of me? chameleon qualities - strengths - handwriting | Carrie and Danielle posted at Carrie and Danielle.     Pearl says, “I believe we are infinitely complex and there is no end to the ways in which we can surprise ourselves.”

Louis Burns presents Crafting Mental Movies For Others posted at NLP Marketing Blog.  This article is about not only visualizing your own goals but the experience you want other people to have as well.

In a national competition, Chandra Alexander, MSW, was selected by THE OPRAH MAGAZINE as the Life Coach to deliver a series of coaching sessions to the grand prize winner of their prestigious Toyota Moving Forward contest. She also spent five years on NBC/TV “DAYTIME” giving a weekly “Reality Check”. Chandra has been living and teaching authenticity for the last 30 years and is the founder of Coaching for Authenticity, a place to explore and discover the essence of who you really are.

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A for Authenticity Blog Roundup

1. Do Not Send E-mail: This seems obvious, but it’s not. We’re so used to being able to type off a quick response to someone that we forget sometimes that e-mail should never, ever be used to express anger or frustration. It is simply not a good tool for such severe emotions. Now, sometimes it can be a helpful form of venting in the heat of the moment to DRAFT an e-mail in Microsoft Word (so that there’s no chance of it being sent), but never, ever send it!

2. Do Not Approach Facebook: In today’s world, it seems as if everyone is jotting down thoughts and activities. “Just got back from Starbucks,” “Waiting for the train,” and “Loving my new haircut!” are all appropriate things to mention on Facebook, Twitter, and the many other social networking sites that we enjoy. Not so appropriate are notes like “I hate you Jimmy!” or “Jane is a b*tch.” When you feel that way, it’s probably better to write it on the bathroom wall than on a social networking site - the consequences will be much worse online.

3. Do Not Blog: Sometimes a blog is a wonderful place to be “real” and let the world know what’s going on in your world. When you are angry though, it might be good to write what you feel in a more physical medium (say, a journal or a Word document) and then sleep on it for 24 hours before posting it online for the world to see. It’s amazing how a little bit of time can make a huge difference in how we see things, and while all feelings are valid in the moment, you might not want to remember them for prosperity.

In short, when anger gets the best of you, perhaps it is best to avoid the computer alltogether. Go outside, take a walk, write the old-fashioned way. After all, most anger is (thankfully) fleeting, and can be replaced by more manageable emotions with some thought and time.

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3 Things You Should NOT Do When Angry

I just have to tell you how exciting it was last week to be invited by the Governor and his wife to their home—They live on the second floor in the Governor’s mansion in Salt Lake City. Because I am a docent (as I have said before) we were on the guest list with about 300 others. As we were standing in line I saw Jake Garn (a congressman who went into space) which was pretty fun for me. The governor walked over to me, shook my hand and then we stood with him and his wife to have a photo taken with them and the Lt. Governor and his wife.

On the third floor in the ballroom we had wonderful H’ordourves. I was thinking of all the things that have to be organized for an open house this size or for an intimate one in our own homes. So today I am sharing some organizing tips for a successful open house on a much smaller scale.

Organizing Tips when planning a party:
1. Plan size, type, date, time and place.
2. Write out the guest list.
3. Send the invitations—either by e-vite on the computer or through the mail.
4. Decide what food will be served and how it will be served.
5. Shop for the ingredients.
6. Check the serving pieces to ensure there is enough and that they are clean.
7. Make the food if you’re not having it catered.
8. Plan what activities you are going to have—games, eating, drinking, or movies etc.
9. Welcome guests with open arms and have fun at your own party!
10. Be sure your plans have included you to be at the party and not stuck in the kitchen. Your guests came to be with you, not your home.

What organizing tips do you have that make a successful open house/party?

Marilyn Bohn is an energetic, lively, compassionate, hard working and creative organizer. She was born to organize! Before becoming a professional organizer she worked professionally in diverse environments. She is involved in her community, providing her clients with a broad base of experience and knowledge.  She is a member of the National Association of Professional Organizers (NAPO).

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10 Organizing Tips To Have A Fun Open House Party

“Transition periods… they suck,” she reminds me. “I can’t think of a transition period that didn’t suck.”

“Uh huh,” I smile. Maria Antonia is incredibly practical. This sucks, but it will pass. We try on dresses, talk business and girly things, and go out for the night. I come home early. Socializing seems silly when all I can do is think of myself.

Another night I visit with Belle and her fiancé. It takes a lot of effort on my part not to be the third wheel; they are just sickeningly cute. I give myself a gold star for not being envious. I feel more grown up this past week, and I wonder if you learn lessons faster as you grow older.

Hercules left on a Sunday morning and I miss him on a Thursday. I go to the iTunes Store and download sixteen songs in a row, add them to a new playlist and hit repeat. They are mostly happy songs and soon I feel like the world is once again at my feet. Then I remember the other night, Zeus, and the five glasses of wine. We’re sitting on my couch.

“Am I your rebound?” Zeus asks.

“Of course!” I declare. I feel bad as soon as the words escape. I liked Zeus the moment I saw him and tell him so.

“Love at first sight?” he chuckles. I don’t think it’s funny since love is both the closest and farthest thing on my mind.

“Something like that,” I reply.

And I don’t want him to be my rebound, but I don’t see any other choice. I feel incapable at relationships. Zeus seems younger than most guys I date, and is both sweet and guarded. He makes me want to write, and a few days earlier, he bet that I would make a good girlfriend. This makes me happy and so now that we are alone, I kiss him. It’s not what I expect.

“Zeus, you know when you see an outfit that you really like and you have to try it on to see if it fits?”

“Yeah…”

“I’m not sure we fit,” I say. I’m not trying to be rude on purpose, but the word vomit keeps coming! We keep talking and he agrees and disagrees with everything I say, taking a middle-of-the-road approach. This is good I think and I like him more as the wine wears off.

A lesson I’ve learned though is that when men are in my life, it engulfs me. And when men aren’t in my life, I rise up like a balloon that was being held to the ground and is finally being let go.

I like both states of being despite their unequal weight on my shoulders whispering in my ear. I feel the need to choose relationships or career because it’s easier to go all-in on one side of the coin instead of trying to reach a balance. Defining your own success is indeed as rare as successfully hanging curtains by yourself. I’ve been thinking about this, and the strange feeling of glee I have to own a new beginning where everything is different, yet exactly the same.

Later in the week Zeus texts me, “So what do you think, did the clothes fit?” And this makes me a bit giddy, because that line seems to be straight out of a movie, and I think maybe the clothes do fit. And I ready myself for another stab at flourishing in life.

Rebecca Thorman (www.modite.com) gives career advice for the next generation of workers. Barely out of college, Rebecca job-hopped her way to becoming the Executive Director of MAGNET, an organization dedicated to attracting and retaining young talent in her region. During that time, she also began authoring the blog Modite, featured in several media outlets including the New York Times as the key community for Generation Y leadership. Rebecca is known for writing candidly from experience.

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Starting over in the same city

Over time, the number of single parent families living in the United States has grown. Between the years of 1970 and 1996, the number of children living in two parent homes decreased from 85 percent to 68 percent. In 2005, the single parent family statistics show that of these, 84 % of the custodial parents are mothers, while fathers make up the remaining 16 % of single custodial parents. Of these mothers and fathers, the reason for the situation varied quite dramatically. 44 % of single mothers had been divorced, and 33 percent had never been married. 22 % of them had remarried, and 1 % were widowed. 79 % of these mothers were employed and earning an income for the families. 50 percent of these working mothers worked full time and 29 % worked part time. Of these mother-lead families, 27.7 % lived below the poverty line.

The single parent family statistics from 2005 showed that of the of the father-lead families, 57 percent of them were divorced and 18 percent had never been married. 24 % had remarried and 1 percent were widowed. 92 % of these single fathers earned an income for his family, with 74 percent worked full time and 18 % worked part time, with only 11 percent of these families living below the poverty line.

The single parent family statistics from 2005 also showed that 31.1 % of all single parent families received some sort of public assistance, with only 6 % receiving cash assistance. 37.7 percent of custodial mothers were over the age of 40, and 56 percent of them were raising only one child, while 44 % had two or more children living in their care.

The increase in single parent families goes further than the United States. According to British statistics, the number of two parent families dropped from from 38 % of the entire population to only 23 % between the years of 1961 and 2001. 80 % of all children lived in two parent families, and 20 percent with one. Of this 20 percent, 18 % lived with single mothers, and only 2 percent were living in a single father household. In an analysis done from the British Household Panel Survey data, 40 % of all women will spend some period of time as a single parent. With the number of single parent families on the rise, it is estimated that 35% of the population will consist of single parent families.

In overview, more that one in families is headed by a single parent, with three out of four of these being single mothers. As single parent family statistics continue to rise, we can’t help but wonder what the future holds for terms such as family and sanctity…

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Single Parent Family Statistics - The Increase in Single Parent Families

Although Boxing Day may sound like a good opportunity to throw an uppercut at an unsuspecting person, it has nothing to do with gloves or punching bags.  However, I can think of a few people that deserve a few sucker-punches. 

With my DH being a transplant from Scotland, we’ve attempted to capture the true essence of this British holiday and have adopted some of the Boxing Day traditions into our holiday season.   

Carb loading typically begins our Boxing Day festivities.  Each Boxing Day, Allan prepares a big cooked English breakfast, which includes scrambled eggs, sausage, fried tomatoes and mushrooms, bacon (the American kind unfortunately), Heinz baked beans, warm buttered toast and chunky sautéed potatoes doused in malt vinegar.  A traditional, “sweaty” breakfast (as Allan calls it) is absolutely necessary to offer the fuel required for the rest of our Boxing Day festivities. 

To honor this British holiday, I provide each of my girls with a box to fill with items to give to the needy.  With all the excitement over all their new Christmas toys and clothes, they are usually more willing to part with their old belongings.  As they carry their box from room to room, they gather old toys and clothes. 

On occasion, new items are added to their boxes as well.  Every Christmas, my girls receive a mountain of gifts from family members and some of these gifts remain sealed in cellophane only to suffer the same fate as the inhabitants of the Island of Misfit Toys.  Therefore, over the years, we’ve taught our girls to share their extra gifts with children less fortunate.  Children in homeless shelters still long for gifts after Christmas and our excessiveness could help make a needy child’s birthday a happier one. 

In addition to toys and clothes, I also weed through my cupboards and pantries to find items to help restock a food bank.  We often think of food banks during the holidays, but their need continues through the year. 

As I mentioned in a previous post, homeless shelters have seen an increasing number of families in need this year.  Yet, donations to charitable organizations in the Tampa Bay area were down nearly 50% this holiday season. 

If you choose to shop today, please remember those in need while you hunt for bargains and join us in celebrating Boxing Day the way it was originally intended.

As we assembled our boxes for a photo to record our Boxing Day observation for my blog, I heard a slight jingling sound coming from Allana’s box.  This year Allana decided to add a coin purse full of 30 pennies, a 20 pence coin and a 5 pence coin, because she wanted to give money to the needy as well as food, clothing and toys.  Though I was deeply moved by Allana’s generosity, it struck me funny to discover a touch of Britain in our American version of Boxing Day.

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Boxing Day

The world around us is changing. Maybe we have been a stay-at-home mom and now we’re facing the prospect of working out in the work force. We’re used to play dates at the park and McDonald’s luncheons. Our old t-shirt and comfortable jeans won’t cut it anymore. We’re already feeling overwhelmed as it is - I mean, maybe our only professional references have long since died or we can’t even remember their names. We’ve been changing diapers or shuttling kids to soccer practices for the last decade - and now we must change our tune.

One of the first things we may think of is our budget. How are we supposed to dress for success if we’re going back to work because we need more money? Clothes cost money. And nice clothes, even fashionable clothing, costs even more money. We may have to dip into our pockets for the essentials in women’s clothing, but it doesn’t have to be overwhelming. Let’s go over some basics that we should have in our closets - these basics should cover the gamut: from casual to work to evening wear.

• A button down white shirt. This can be flattering to your figure if you choose a style that has darts for shaping. It’s also versatile - can be worn under a suit, or with a pair of jeans as an outer layer with a stylish camisole underneath, or even buttoned up with a skirt.
• A simple skirt. Choose between a pencil skirt or an A-line skirt. If the pencil is too hip-hugging - an A-line skirt may be perfect for the curvier woman.
• A suit. This could be essential if you’re searching for a job. Look for a three-piece suit: jacket, skirt and pant. This way you’ll get the most out of your money. The jacket can be worn with a pair of jeans for a more casual day, or over a dress. The pants can be worn with a variety of different tops. And the skirt can double up as the ’simple skirt’ essential listed above. The various combinations of outfits can be accentuated with different styles of shoes.
• Jeans. Maybe your work, or the interviewing process doesn’t allow for jeans, but every woman needs a good pair of jeans. Buy jeans with a dark wash for better matching, and jeans that are long enough if you want the versatility of wearing heels for a dressier look. Choose the boot-cut or slim cut - whatever suits your figure best. Jeans can be dressed down or up; wear with a silk blouse or even a simple t-shirt.
• Black dress. This is a must. You can dress this up or down. Choose one with a hemline that’s flattering to your body shape. In the summer, wear with a pretty pair of sandals. In the winter, pair with a blazer and boots. And for an elegant evening out, complement it with a pair of fashionable high heels.
• The layers. This is where you add the color and the variety. Stock up on t-shirts and camisoles, chunky beads, belts and bags.
• A wool coat. A classic wool coat can take you through years of changing fashion — just mix it up with trendy accessories; a large wrap scarf, hat etc.
• Sunglasses. Everyone needs a pair of these — to protect our eyes and for fun. There are so many styles out there that can complement every face shape.

So now we have an idea what we need to make an easy and ever-changing wardrobe, but still, money is tight. Let’s go over a couple of ways we can find these basics at a nominal price.

• Clothing swap. Make a party out of it. Have your friends bring gently used clothing and let everyone choose among the items. This way you can get rid of the old, and bring in some ‘new.’
• Online retailers. Online shopping or internet stores save us money by not actually running a physical store, so good deals can be found. Do some comparison shopping from the comfort of your own home.

Make a plan, purge your wardrobe, have a clothing swap, and then bargain shop for those essentials via the internet or wholesale clothing. Our own personal style may change as we age and it’s always rejuvenating to rid ourselves of our clothing clutter and really scrutinize what we need. Let’s remember to always be authentic to our own health and beauty and develop our own style which enhances our body type and shape.

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Women’s Clothing - Dress For Success on a Budget

Hopefully, most Americans aren’t modeling their lives after Hollywood celebrities, but cohabitation is becoming more common, so the issue is worth discussing. Marriage is not just a financial decision; it is not just a decision of the heart. It involves these things of course, but when children are involved, they should also be considered. So, today’s post is dedicated to studies showing how children are affected by marriage-emotionally, behaviorially, sexually, mentally, and physically.

Research shows that in the U.S. cohabitators resemble singles more than they resemble married couples. Their unions are much less stable. One study showed that half of the children born to a cohabitating couple saw their parents split by the time they were five. The number was even higher for Latino or African-Americans. For married couples, 15% split in the same time period. Another study found that even after controlling for socioeconomic and parenting factors, teenagers who lived in cohabiting households experienced more behavioral and emotional difficulties than those in intact, married families.

A fourth study found married parents devote more of their financial resources to childrearing and education than do cohabiting parents, whereas cohabiting parents spent a larger percentage of their income on alcohol and tobacco. In the study, cohabiting couples had lower incomes and education levels. They also reported more conflict and violence and lower satisfaction levels.

Marriage has not only social effects on children, but also biosocial consequences. For example, girls appear to have their sexual development affected by male pheromones, which either accelerate or decelerate their development, depending on their family situation. Studies have shown that adolescent girls who do not grow up in an intact married home are more likely to menstruate early. On the other hand, girls “who have close, engaged relationships with their fathers” begin menstruation at a later age. Girls who live with an unrelated male menstruate even earlier than those living with single mothers. Researchers believe the father’s pheromones appear to inhibit sexual development, while an unrelated male accelerates her development. When a girl has earlier sexual development, she is more likely to become sexually active earlier and is at higher risk of teen pregnancies.

Boys also benefit from married parents. Boys in unmarried families carry out more delinquent acts. Boys in single-parent homes are about twice as likely, and boys in stepfamilies are 2.5 times more likely, to commit a crime leading to jail time by their 30s. Boys in cohabiting families have been found to be more likely to be involved in delinquent behavior, cheating, and have more school suspensions. When a boy lives with his mother and her boyfriend, the boyfriend is more likely to be abusive than his own father. This leads to additional problems.

Additional research has suggested children with two married parents have better health and a longer life expectancy than other children. This benefit starts in infancy, and remains a lifelong benefit.

It is tempting to suggest the difference is due to socioeconomic status or education levels. But many studies account for these factors. One such study followed academically gifted, middle-class children for 70 years. Researchers controlled for family background and childhood health status, and even personality characteristics. They found children of divorce had life expectancy reduced by four years. They also found that 40-year-old men whose parents had divorced were three times more likely to die in the next 40 years than were 40-year-old men whose parents remained married.

Even babies have a lower risk of mortality when born to married parents than if they are born to unmarried parents. The average increase in infant mortality is 50% for unmarried women. After controlling for age, race and education, infants with unwed mothers still have a higher mortality rate, even through early childhood years.

Sweden has a national health care system for all its citizens. But a study of the entire Swedish population showed boys who lived in single-parent homes were more than 50% more likely to die of various causes (i.e. suicide, accidents, addiction) than those in a married, two-parent home. Boys and girls in single-parent families were more than twice as likely to have problems with drug or alcohol abuse, psychiatric diseases, suicide attempts. They were also more likely to experience poisonings, traffic injuries or falls than teens in two-parent families.

Yet another study shows teens who live with their married parents are less likely to experiment to drugs alcohol or tobacco than other teens-even after controlling for age, race, gender, and family income.

Mental health of children was also affected when parents split up. Children of divorce have double the risk of serious psychological problems later in life than children with parents who stay married. They are more likely to suffer from depression, drug and alcohol abuse, or suicidal thoughts. The exception is when there is a marriage has “high and sustained” conflict levels, children benefit psychologically if the parents divorce.

I could write many more examples, but I imagine you get the picture that marriage has been shown in lots of research to protect children in myriad ways. Let me just share the most shocking statistics for those of you still with me. It is hard to imagine for parents who love their children (and stepchildren), but children who do not live with their own two parents are at much higher risk of child abuse. Living with a stepparent is the most significant factor in severe child abuse. Children are more than 50 times more likely to be murdered by a stepparent (usually a stepfather) than by a biological parent. A different study showed children were 40 times more likely to be sexually abused than one living with both of his biological parents. A national study found that 7% of children who lived with one parent had been sexually abused, compared to 4% of children who live with both parents.

With this research in mind, do you believe marriage has a social benefit for children?

Information on these studies can be found in “Why Marriage Matters, Second Edition” by Institute for American Values.

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Marriage Or Cohabitation - How Are Children Affected?

Though we were personally spared some of the biggest problems, such as an Au Pair leaving 1 year old twins asleep in the home with the door unlocked while she went bike riding, we still have some of our own stories. Other have theirs about the lack of professionalism on the part of executives at some of the agencies.

As a mother, a business woman and a community member, I feel it is imperative that the public be aware of the consequences of the Au Pair Care system. Perhaps by our combined efforts we will be able to get Au Pair agencies to change their policies and be more client friendly and understanding of the financially difficulties families face when agencies put all the burden on them when something goes wrong.

And trust me, things go wrong. Our Au Pair said every one of her 7 Au pair friends had switched households at least once and some of them had illegally left the program and stayed on here illegally while leaving their families in the lurch. This is more common than the agencies will ever let you know. Guess who has the foot the bill for the extra cost of getting a new Au Pair? The family … not the agency, even if it is was the Au Pair’s fault. And the family can lose thousands of dollars, which for some is a hefty sum.

If a family has an Au Pair who illegally leaves the program, does something tragic ,or is just not a good fit, the Parents generally do not get their pre-paid money back from the agency. You see, families pay all 12 months up of the agency fees up front. The agency gets paid the same amount as the Au Pair. I wonder how many Au Pairs really understand this.

Au Pair agencies are staffing companies that take 50% of the Au Pairs first year salary up-front and is usually non-refundable, regardless of the situation works out or not.

Also the parents have to pay a registration fee, education costs for the Au Pair and possibly air fare too. So if the Au Pair leaves or the family decides the Au Pair is not a good fit for their family, they often will not receive their money back. I personally lost $2,000 and my Au Pair lost $1,000 that the agency wouldn’t give back because she illegally left the program to travel around the U.S. A good friend of mine lost $3,000 that Au Pair Care refused to give back. What is happening here?

If the Au Pair rings up a $1,000 in long distance charges to their homeland (it happens!). Who pays? Not the agency, the family has to burden that cost. I would recommend turning off your international long distance service if possible and using Skype instead.

By speaking about this online we can require that these agencies (and our government) to REQUIRE better screening of Au Pairs before they become part of the program and enter our country and our homes. And also require better screening of parents by the agencies to make sure their home and their expectations are a good fit for an Au Pair. As well as checking Parents references to ensure the Au Pair is safe.

One Au Pair’s references we checked said they would never trust their child in the care of this woman, who was their Au Pair in London, nor should we. And this reference was on the Au Pair’s application she sent to us. How in the world did she get into the program then and why didn’t the agency check her references? I asked and the agency said they did check her references. Interesting …

On a positive note … our Au Pair experience overall was terrific for our son who loved our Au Pair like a sister. We also treated our Au Pair like a daughter (she was only 18 years old when she arrived from Ecuador) and enjoyed having her along on all our family events and sharing our life with her. It was a shame that after 8 1/2 months she decided she didn’t want to work anymore and wanted to travel the U.S. with her girl friends, some who were also illegally staying in the U.S.

She left one day with any notice, just a note left behind I found a day later after worrying endlessly where she had gone - just a like a mom would if her 19 her old daughter didn’t come home one day. And just like a mother, worrying about the impact of one child leaving on another, I was saddened beyond words when I had to explain to my son that his “sister” had disappeared.

Luckily she did come back in a few months on her way back to Ecuador to say goodbye to our son and to wish us all well in our life. However, I don’t think it will ever remove the sting of her unexpected departure with myself or our son.

I invite other parents who hosted au pairs, au pairs, or au pair agencies to comments to this blog. However, please keep it a postive otherwise your post may be removed.

This is a forum to provide solutions in a polite way to parents who are looking for quality au pairs and for au pairs who are looking for quality parents.

Please avoid the “complaining” syndrome and instead offer an opportunity for growth and change for the Au Pair Agencies, for Parents and for Au Pairs. Often problems begin because of a lack of awareness, you can point out potential conflicts and problems without being negative. You must have an open mind to invite change.

Au Pair care offers many advantages for all parties involved. However, it also has many risks. To minimize the risks, one should research as much as possible, check references (whether you are the Au Pair or the Parents) and set your boundaries with the Agencies with the terms you are willing to accept.

Tiffany Bass Bukow is the CEO & Founder of the #1 Personal Finance Website for Women and Families - www.msmoney.com. My life mission is to help people and the world thrive through creating companies that provide money, career and life skills education.

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The High Cost of Au Pair Care

An inevitable result of our constant rushing around in celebration of the season is that I am not able to follow my usual fitness routine. Luckily, my wellness coach, Nora, suggested that I write into my calendar “Life Will Be Normal Again” on Monday, Dec. 29. Having this firm date in my mind allows me to go easy on myself when I just can’t squeeze in the exercise that I know I need.

This week we have a different family member coming over each night to light the candles, and next weekend will be our big family Christmas, as my brothers will be with their wives’ families on the 25th. My goal is to simply do the best that I can in regards to exercise and eating, constantly reminding myself that life will be normal again next week.

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Life Will Be Normal Again

You are reading a post from: Bizzy Women. If you like it, come check out the site for more information like this!

In a recession, should you settle?

Tell us about yourself? 
Hazel Walker:I am a mother of 3 adult children, I have owned my own businesses for 20 years now and I am always seeking new opportunities and challenges.  I own 3 businesses and a fourth possibility on the horizon. I believe that my purpose in this life is to be a contribution.  So everything I do I  ask myself, “Will this be a positive contribution to others.”  I love my life, it has not been an easy life, but I have learned and gained so much from each adversity.  Each one has come together to create the person I am today. 

What made you become an entrepreneur?
HW: It had never been my intention to be a business owner.  In my late twenties I found myself suddenly a single mother of 2 little girls and a go nowhere job with a bank.  When I asked my boss at that time for a raise and promotion, she said no and made this comment “No, and you need to get use to doing what you don’t like; you have two kids to feed.”  I gave my notice and left the job, went on welfare, got into a training program for Word Processing, (using a WANG) and completed the class early and number one!  I went to work for an entrepreneur and ran his office while he was starting a new telephone equipment business.  I was fascinated by the start up process, being your own boss…wow.  

I later married a man who owned an insurance agency and became a stay at home mom with 3 kids.  One evening after going with my daughter to a Girl Scout banquet, I came home to a missing husband and son.  After some phone calls, I found my husband in the hospital with a brain hemorrhage.  Our 4-year-old son had saved his life after a fall down the stairs.  My husband could no longer work and someone needed to learn to run that Agency.  

I had to get my insurance licenses, learn how to SELL insurance, learn how to underwrite insurance, learn how to run a business, learn how to network and how to manage my family at the same time.  It was truly trial by fire.  At this point, it was important for me to learn how to network to find more potential clients.  So I read everything I could get my hands on and about this time I was introduced to this small organization called “The Network” now called BNI.  I started a chapter and learned everything, then became an assistant director to the director of “The Network” and in 1998 bought the BNI Franchise (The Network) from her.   In 2000 I sold my agency, by the time I sold it, it had become ‘By Referral Only.’  

You see, adversity creates opportunity; I never ever would have become a business owner if my husband had not had such a tragic accident, (he later went on to find a job in the insurance industry, but nothing was ever the same for him.)  Adversity can make you or break you. Look for those opportunities that are often hidden in the smoke of the fire. 

Once I became a business owner, I found a passion for it.  I am a natural thrill seeker, and being an entrepreneur is a thrill.  Learning new things, new ways of doing things, and implementing them then teaching them to others is a thrill.    

Tell us about your business? 
HW: Today, I do many different things, all tied together.  I own and run a very successful award winning BNI Franchise in Central and Southern Indiana. I took a mortgage on my home and a loan from family members to buy the franchise, it was a very scary moment, but I acknowledged the fear and I did it anyway.  BNI is a referral organization allowing one person per profession in any individual chapter.  The purpose of the group is to build credibility with fellow members and pass referrals to one another in a non-competitive structured manner.  I learn a lot from BNI.  I became a Toastmaster to learn to be a better speaker, in becoming a better speaker I have become a better writer. 

I started training, speaking and consulting company called Crystal Synergies.  In this organization I began to develop programs to teach others. I joined the National Speakers Association to build my speaking and training business.  I speak at conferences around the world, write, coach women around starting and running their businesses so they become business owners and not just self-employed. 

Three years ago another opportunity came along with the Referral Institute.  Dr. Ivan Misner, founder of BNI and the world’s foremost authority on Networking, created the Referral Institute as a way of teaching others the value of networking well, with a system so that they could build businesses they love.  I bought that franchise; Referral Institute is only a few years old and has been voted a top franchise to own.   I will put 200 students through our Referral Dynamics Program here in Indiana this year, so I took another leap and opened my own training center.  

I am also working on a book with Dr. Misner and Frank DeRaffele called “Networking and Sex” looking at how the different genders build their networks.  In fact your readers can participate in the book by taking a quick survey at, http://www.surveymonkey.com/s.asp?u=204762616512 

How do you juggle the work/life balance issues? 
HW: I really do not try to balance them instead I work on having harmony in all areas of my life.  When you are a business owner, it is hard sometimes to find balance.  I was always trying to figure it out and felt like a failure when I could not make it happen, I could balance my check book but I could not balance my life.  The idea behind harmony is understanding that sometimes life is all about the family, and other times I have to really focus on the business to take it to a new place, and not feel guilty about what I am doing.  I have learned to weave my business, my family, my physical and spiritual life together, creating flow between them and accepting that there will never be perfect balance but there can be harmony.  When I gave up being guilty, when I gave up being perfect, I found harmony.  Today, I no longer have kids at home so it has become easier but family still requires attention, I have a mother, two grandmothers and 6 grandchildren who need to also fit into my life. 

Are there any obstacles that you face, in the fact that you are a woman? 
HW: Stress and Guilt.  When you are a female business owner and you have family, you tend to stress out over everything because you are seeking that elusive work life balance.  When I gave up the Balance and went for the Harmony, my stress and guilt lessened.  I have learned and I am still learning to be present in the moment.  If you are with your kids BE with the kids, not thinking about all the other things at work, when you are working, BE present with your task at hand, and when you are with your spouse BE 100% there in the moment, not being stressed and guilty.  Create Flow, manage a healthy calendar and run the business, don’t let the business run you. 

Otherwise, I would say that being a woman I have had to learn some of the techniques of men.  Like how to ask for the business, how to leverage my time and my network, how to delegate to others and how to toot my own horn. Women tend to wait for the business, we hope that our network will help us but we don’t ask or set clear expectation, we believe that we can do it all so we are not good at delegating to others or saying No, and we never ever toot our own horns we have to learn how to do that well.   Ask any guy about his accomplishments and he will rattle them off, ask a woman and she will have to think about it.  

What advice do you have for women thinking about starting their own businesses?
HW: 1.   Find your passion, if you start a business that you are passionate about you will be amazed at how much that will come across to others. People are attracted to people who are passionate who have energy. 

2.  Never ever stop learning always be willing to go to seminars, travel to conferences, ask someone to mentor your, pay a coach to help you be accountable.  Women don’t spend money on their success, they think they need to figure it out.  If you learn one thing at a seminar, or meet one person at a conference or a coach helps you be accountable to one important goal, it will make a difference in your life and your business. 

3.  Be Present, be in the moment.  Don’t let your mind wonder to other places and things, embrace what you are doing right now, take it in and rejoice in the now.  When you go to the next place or thing, start over and be present with that moment. 

4.  Mentor someone else.  You learn what you teach; when you are mentoring someone else, you will learn too.  Grow by helping others grow. 

5.  Have gratitude at the end of every day, journal all the things you are grateful for, the good, the bad and the impossible. 

I have an affirmation that I say every day, many times a day, “Today, I create wealth and prosperity for myself and others.”   

Thanks.

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Inspiring Women: Hazel Walker

I used to be a lurker.

You know who they are: those surfers of the web who revel in dark, unknown corners.  Who consume but don’t reciprocate. Whose existence is known to none but themselves, whose presence we are never aware of as anything more than a number on our blog stats that might pique our curiosity. They lurk and disappear back into cyberspace, and no one ever has to know; no trace of them is left behind.

I knew the ups and downs of Penelope’s divorce, Ryan’s workaholism; but until recently I had never so much as left a single comment on any of their blogs. Your first reaction might be: creep! But something like 90% of blog readers are equally creepy lurkers. Chances are, you are lurking right now and will read, digest, and move along without ever saying a thing to me (including you, email subscribers - I know who you are!). You’ll never voice your opinion. So before you call me a creep, don’t forget what you’re doing right now: creeping.

Daring to commit your opinions and your intellectual thoughts down in words, permanently etched into pixels in cyberspace, is unnerving. It takes balls that most people don’t have, and that is why the vast majority of users of the Web are what we so affectionately refer to as lurkers. They’re afraid to voice their opinion and let anyone who Googles them find them; afraid that someone will disagree and criticize them.

I was one of those, and I was hiding. And for a long time that was a theme in my life: hiding. I have about 4 drafts of blog posts I have written over the years, saved in my archives, about how I hide different parts of my life from everyone. But, in my typical fashion, I never posted one of them. Because it takes courage to even blog in the first place. It makes you an outlier, it makes you different, and that opens you up to a whole new level of scrutiny.

Blogging is at once intensely personal, yet unnervingly public. And it connects people in the most individual, human, personal way. Of my college-age friends, I have very few who have blogs. And when one of them first started her blog, she proceeded to get mocked and made fun of behind her back, constantly. Her blog is a joke to the rest of them, constantly bantered about; every new post is gossip fodder, eagerly devoured. Spending so much time around people like that had left me paralyzed, afraid to just be who I am; and prancing around in that living charade was exceptionally tiring. Why did I care about these people again? It was illogical and irrational.

The difference between me pre-blog and me post-blog is simple: I went from an invisible, hiding lurker to a real person, and an outlier. Seems simple, but that transformation is empowering in a way you’d never expect. I went from letting others define me to defining myself. Instead of always having to hide what I do from people, I can just…be. I have something to say that is worth saying, and I actively contribute to the conversation.

It’s no longer a simple matter of writing a blog and hoping someone reads: it overflows into every other area of my life. Now, I want to have more conversations and put out my opinion on everything. I want to seek out new people and new perspectives and constantly learn from everyone around me. I want to explore new ideas, challenge them, and be challenged. I want to do something worth doing, instead of just what everyone else is doing. And sadly, though perhaps not surprisingly, most people aren’t willing to do that. But blogger are.

The mockers matter less and less, because, really, I’d rather drop them from my life now. When one of my favorite writers, who is far, far more successful than me, emailed me out of the blue and told me she loved a piece I wrote, the game changed a little. When my work started to get noticed by some others, the game changed a little. I no longer care to be just one of millions of college kids that are exactly the same. Who wants to blend in?

I realized I am different from them, but instead of continuing to try to hide it I started to reluctantly embrace it. I constantly strive to be an outlier, to be above and beyond, to put myself out there and be someone who challenges the status quo — and not someone who maintains it. I no longer want to be part of the norm. As one blogger said, that’s fifth place, when I know I want first. But if your presence is never known, how will you make an impact? How will you leave your mark? The simple act of voicing your opinion and expressing yourself means you are challenging the status quo, however insignificant you feel. But if you aren’t visible, to the world you don’t exist. If you’re just lurking and not participating, you’re outdated, obsolete, last year’s season. That’s not even fifth place; that’s invisibility.

Now, I’m no longer letting things happen to me. I don’t let others tell me what to do. I don’t believe in destiny; I just go out and make things happen. And I tend to brazenly defy everyone who doesn’t believe me. I realized that the way I defined myself and my life had to change. And in doing so, I won the inner battle that has been raging inside of me for twenty years. I killed the inner critic, the voice that stops so many people from doing great things. I stopped living for what other people think, and started living solely to create an impact and a difference.

And blogging, and everything and everyone that came with it, are what forced that change.

So when I sat down to write a post about how blogging has changed my life, many things came to mind. I wanted to write something as flawless as Andrew Sullivan’s brilliant essay, “Why I Blog.” But I am not Andrew Sullivan, so I can’t. Instead I thought of all the things I had learned, the advice I had gained, the opportunities I’ve received, the people I had interviewed and the late night discussions I’ve had when I could have been studying. And those have all been amazing things. But to this day, nothing compares to the surprising rush of empowerment that comes in that moment when you hold your breath and hit the ‘Publish’ button. It’s your blog, and no one can fuck with you there.

It’s something those legions of lurkers will never understand.

—–

(Hat tip to BC - what a challenge. This is probably the hardest thing I have ever written!)

Nisha Chittal is a writer and journalist who currently serves as Associate Editor of CitizenJanePolitics.com and is a political columnist for UniversityChic.com. Her personal blog is Politicoholic, where she offers commentary on a range of topics, including but not limited to politics, technology, and the changing role of women and Generation Y in politics today.

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Forget careers. Blogging changes lives