Picture yourself walking down the street in a busy urban area of New York, London or Los Angeles.  Moving along you are mesmerized by magnificent architecture, the innocence of a child’s laughter, the fancified shop windows, the smells and sounds of the city.  You are completely lost in thought when by the grace of a complete stranger,  you are saved from being run over by a rogue vehicle blowing through a red light.  Your heart is racing and you are wicked stunned.  You thank the super hero on the street by offering him your first born and stumble off  grateful to be alive.  Your wake up call has been delivered.

What will do with this message?

It’s time to get out of your own way and begin taking action in the areas of your life you deem most important. There is no more time for ego-teasing lip service or negative self-talk. If you need help getting focused,  schedule a no cost coaching session with me or another coach out in the world and move one step forward on the path of your desires.

One of my coaching clients is a brilliant creative visionary. Her vision of idealistic greatness paralyzed her for years from taking action on the small things which bit by bit, drop by drop,  add up to the full life she is desperately seeking. Couple this paralysis with brutal self-talk and we have a smidge of a vision versus reality challenge.

Like the fantastical dreamer meandering through the city,  this bright woman was preoccupied with rich textured dreams and magical notions.  She almost missed the harbinger of a tragic nightmare threatening to suck the life from her extraordinary vision.  We are working together to travel back to the beginning of her story with the commitment of making plans and celebrating incremental actionable steps over a clear and specific time line.

Big Ideas —> Plans Phases —> Action Steps  = Critical Path Time Line

Creative people overflowing with ideas and wacky scenarios love to play. Dabbling here and experimenting there can be big fun and certainly not as scary as stepping into your power to create your life’s dream.  I enjoy experimentation as much as any creative,  but have learned that too many trials lure me away from the laser focus I am finally learning how to surrender to and flow with.

As a personal coach I share my time inspiring creative entrepreneurs to accelerate their journey toward a full and balanced life on their terms. In my opinion, the best way to foster liberation is to live it, breath it and study it.  I am ecstatic to shine a focused stream of dazzling golden sunshine with the purpose of illuminating each bold and interesting plan of the people I play with.

Getting Out of your own way looks like this:

• Learning how to be happy with incremental victories that lead to your BIG VISION

• Being grateful for your experience and talents – There is nobody in the Universe quite like you.

• Reminding yourself daily of all you have accomplished

• Setting realistic daily, weekly and quarterly goals

• Kicking your own ass,  hiring a coach or tapping into a mentor to accomplish short-term plans

• Creating an environment of daily creative productivity

• Communicating with like-minded people who are happy to be a part of your support system

Open your eyes and look around.  You can get out of your own way and honor your creative vision.

It is never too late to begin again.

“Whatever course you decide upon, there is always someone to tell you that you are wrong. There are always difficulties arising which tempt you to believe that your critics are right. To map out a course of action and follow it to an end requires courage.”  -Ralph Waldo Emerson

Shann Vander Leek is the Founder of True Balance Life Coaching and Co-founder of Seize True Success. She is a Coach Training Alliance certified professional coach, and certified yoga instructor. Shann is a prolific blogger, published writer and co-author of the Best Selling Book – Wake Up Women BE Happy Healthy & Wealthy. Shann’s personal style and direct approach have guided and inspired many in overcoming personal and professional challenges. Her background in sales, marketing and client development, along with leading a talented sales force for many years prepared her for the business of professional coaching. Shann inspires women in transition to create balance in their lives through personal coaching, yoga and creative expression. Telephone and email consultations make her accessible to clients all over the world. To find out about her Coaching Programs for Women, call Shann at 231.668.111 or visit www.truebalancelifecoaching.com

It started in our preteen years, with going away to camp for the summer. The first crushes, kisses and whats-its are stuck firmly in our heads. Usually surrounded by a soft, shimmering air of ‘ah, youth!’ and a silly grin. It then moved into teen-hood, with having the week-long boyfriend. The Grease romance, the one without a future. Is it any different when we pretend we’re grown-ups, and have a summer fling? Is there even a reason to bother, if it’s not going to pan out? And isn’t a summer romance just a long, drawn-out one-night stand? When you’re thinking about a summer affair, here are a few considerations:

Summer Flings Are Great For:

Ego boosts. It’s summer, you’re wearing less layers and feeling sexier. More attractive. The attention of a summer fling can elevate that feeling to new heights. Inhibitions are dampened, holidays are taken and you meet tons of new people. You can even reinvent yourself for the time you’re on vacation. It’s liberating. We also go slower in the summer and relax more- which means open to possibilities.

Experimentation. The summer brings out the liberal in us. The entire attitude of ‘why not-?’ had to be coined in the summertime. It had to. Meeting Juan the waiter for a watermelon feast: why not? It’s not just about the physical possibilities, either- summer romances can be extremely intense emotional connections that are unforgettable.

Stress release. We have a reward system for surviving the winter months and slogging through work. It’s the summer leisure time, when we allow ourselves and our hair to unwind. Flirting, finding someone attractive and having the most minimal of touches throws work out of the window. Hard. The romance takes place of worrying about the next promotion or paying the bills. It just is.

Summer Romances Are Not:

Long-term relationships. Rarely do summer romances last until September, much less for the long-term. If you’re looking for true love, not a tryst, it’s probably not for you. Many summer flings are two strangers that live nowhere close to each other and connect. Maintaining a long-distance reality, after a mere week or two…doesn’t really work.

A solution to your relationship problems. When you’re in a relationship, it’s still cheating- even if it’s on holiday and they’ll never find out. It won’t repair your relationship or give you any answers. It could, in fact, play a role in finishing or destroying your relationship.

Meant to be repeated. A yearly meeting and trying to recreate the same atmosphere, with the same person, a year later, is kidding yourself. A lot can and does happen in a year- trying to make the connection you had leads only to disappointment and at worse, embarrassment for you both.

When you’re considering a summer fling, keep in mind that it’s basically a very short-term moment that will make you smile with long-term memories. Summer flings are something to keep you warm in the cold winter months.

For years, I have coveted over a platter that hangs in my friend’s kitchen.  Her young child’s precious handprint forms a turkey in the center with the words “Give Thanks” cascading over the top of the dish. 

I have always loved that memento and vowed someday I would take my children to a “paint your own pottery” place to create the same platter with them. 

Truth be told, I don’t have patience for paint your own pottery places.  Those places drain the life out of me.  There’s way too many color choices and way too many breakables lying about for my four year old to literally act like a bull in a china shop.  Therefore, my inability to make stupid decisions paired with my “You break it; you buy it” fear has kept me away.  I simply avoid the scene entirely and we find other ways to let our creative juices flow without shattering dishes along with our self-esteem. 

Then, last week Allana, Emmalynn and I attended a birthday party at You Do the Dishes in New Tampa.  My girls were thrilled to paint a small figurine and begged me to paint more.  Finally, I felt the inspiration to paint a handprint turkey platter.  The timing was perfect.  The staff was so helpful and hands-on that my anxiety over perfectionism and colors was greatly reduced. 

Ready to gobble up more fun, the girls were so excited to paint a dish for Mommy.  I couldn’t believe what angels sat before me.  Allana picked the colors without hesitation and Emmalynn avoided knocking over shelves of pottery.  Plus, the supportive staff helped make our handprint project a success. 

A few days later, our turkey handprint platter was ready.  I couldn’t wait to see how it came out!  I finally possessed my own precious timeless piece to hang in my kitchen! 

And then, my heart sank.  A large crack appeared down the center of the platter.  My precious turkey dish was now trash. 

I began to feel sorry myself and whined about not having a turkey platter for Thanksgiving.  I had waited years for this dish and now it seemed I was the real turkey. 

The owner explained that occasionally the heat in the kiln will causes pieces to crack and she reassured me I could make another at no additional cost. 

Even though I could easily make another, could I replicate the whole experience?  Would my children be as willing and well-behaved as before? 

Then, I realized how ridiculously shallow I sounded.  It’s just a dish. 

I should be thankful that my children have hands to make turkey handprints. 

I should be thankful that I can even afford to make this dish when other families lack food for their dishes. 

I should be thankful that I have a car to drive to pottery place and a home for us and all our belongings. 

I should be thankful that I have two healthy children and be grateful for every moment we spend together even when they drive my crazy. 

I should be thankful for my health and my husband’s health. 

From this experience, I was grateful for my cracked dish and the lesson in humility it gave me.  Like the dish, my life is not perfect but it’s full of many blessings.  So, for my husband, my two beautiful girls, the occasional cracked dish, the handprints and marker murals on walls and the many other messy blessings in my life… 

I give thanks.

One of the worst things that ever happened to women was the logic card.  We rate, we debate and we rationalize whether or not we should even bother with him.  What we’re forgetting- what we forget, consistently- is there are so many un-plucked, good guys that could be the answer.  Not Mr. Right, or Mr. Right Now, but Mr. Hello.  Mr. Nice to meet you.  Has Hollywood really destroyed your sense of romanticism and given you such unreal expectations that you’ll never take less?  Less is more, when you want a relationship.

Of course, you can wait for Brad Pitt…if you’re Jolie-equese.  If you’re one of the normal, average (yet beautiful) people you’ll need to start opening yourself up.  To possibility.  How much time are you wasting- and aging- by going through a negative list of how he doesn’t measure up?  It’s tiring and it’s an absolute waste of time.  He’s in your circumference if you look.  A friend, a colleague, the man who always remembers your favorite magazine in the shop.  The neighbor who always opens the door.  The mailman that puts  your letters priority.  Available, attainable men.  Good men that are waiting, in the back of their minds, for you.

The chase, the run, the capture all look great on paper.  But when it comes down to it, are you really seeking a manipulator and a man that’s unreliable?  Really?  That’s the movie man:  he woos, he enjoys himself, he disappears.  He isn’t anywhere near stable.  He’s a manicorn- what you think you want, until you have him.  And then he’s simply messy.  Emotionally, physically and slightly destructive to you.  The golden guy, the elusive you’ve been looking for, already belongs to you.  He’s there.  Attentive.  Ready to jump, if you just say the word.

The only thing holding you back is fear.  Of refusal, of the dreaded ‘no.’  Take a moment to reflect, breathe, and ask him out.  The worst that can happen is that he says ‘I can’t…’  The best, on the other hand, is that he can and will.  Guys have been living in this tenuous place of possibility since they carted around clubs.  By taking the chance, by getting outside of your dating box, you’re empowering yourself.  He’ll love you for it, and so will you.  The new feminism is making and acting on choices that make you happier.

It’s a proven fact that the best first dates are walks, without the intensity of staring.  They’re also so much safer for both parties:  you chat, listen and generally have the opportunity for touch.  If you want.  But on your terms.  You can get a coffee, go for a wander and have an amazingly romantic time of it, without feeling like you’re on a Real Date.  Ladies, you are selling yourselves so short by limiting the playing field.  By running (and screaming) from making an attempt.  And by closing your head to the full team of the interested, with petty and odd personal rules.

He’s out there.  Waiting.  Isn’t it about time you got out there, too?

Are you grieving over the loss of a loved one?  If you are grieving and are having trouble being with others, here are a few ways to better deal with your loss.

1. Grieving is a natural part of life – we grieve when we lose something we love.

• For some reason, in the West, we deal with grieving, death and dying, as unspeakable subjects.
• It is as though we think if we don’t talk about them, they will go away.
• But they don’t go away because they are inherent in life; the cycle of birth and death rages on.

1. There is no “normal” timeframe to stop grieving – the grieving stops when you are done mourning.

• If you surrender to the natural process of grieving, you will move through grieving and be done when you are done.
• Everything is moving and changing all the time.
• When you feel the passing of something, you need to allow yourself to grieve and give yourself permission to feel your sadness.

1. Do not pretend to be “happy” if you are not.

• Pretending is the opposite of authenticity.  To feel is to be authentic.
• Every death – the death of a loved one, the losing of a job, the ending of a relationship, even though it might have been dysfunctional, – summons up every other death. Judith Rossner says in her book August, “After the first death, there is no other.”
• Whether you are around friends, family, acquaintances, or strangers, understand that grieving is a natural and normal part of life. and you will feel sad when you lose someone you love.

1. Talk about the person you loved and lost … even if it makes others feel uncomfortable.

• You have a right to talk about things you want to talk about as much as the next person.
• It is not your job to make someone else feel comfortable.
• If you need professional help, get it.

1. You cannot think your way through grief – you must feel.

• I often say the only way to HEAL is to FEEL.
• Thinking keeps the “feelings” in the head, in a very intellectual way, never allowing them to come down and rest in the heart
• Until you are willing to feel your feelings of sadness, you can never move through the natural process of grieving.

In a national competition, Chandra Alexander, MSW, was selected by THE OPRAH MAGAZINE as the Life Coach to deliver a series of coaching sessions to the grand prize winner of their prestigious Toyota Moving Forward contest. She also spent five years on NBC/TV “DAYTIME” giving a weekly “Reality Check”. Chandra has been living and teaching authenticity for the last 30 years and is the founder of Coaching for Authenticity, a place to explore and discover the essence of who you really are.

Lately the current of my mind has been terribly engaged. The feeling is like being pulled under and dragged out to sea in a riptide of psychological activity. I seem to be rolling with big ideas, spilling over with tiny tasks and overflowing with unfocused creativity.

All of this mental activity leads to feeling scattered. The gears in my brain spin and then lock up.  The more I check in with how I am feeling and what I need, the more I realize the lack of focus has everything to to do with the Autumnal transition and my new, not yet comfortable routine for Fall.

It’s time to get clear, get focused and re energize. It time to swim away from the tumultuous surface current that has a hold of me.

The plan is to revise my daily schedule. The trick to living a balanced life is understanding we are always in a state of change. Recalibrating daily habits and swimming away from the rip current will help me slow down, focus my energy and get back to shore.

Here is my plan for nourishing my hijacked spirit whilst participating in the new pace of my life.  I hope you can use this life ring of ideas to quiet your mind and rescue you from your own undercurrent of unfocused madness.  : -)

Getting Quiet

Making time to sit quietly each morning is lovely way to begin each day. Even 5 minutes will make a difference.  Enjoying a fresh cup of coffee in silence or creating time to sit and reflect. Writing your thoughts in a journal may be your choice for quiet time.  I like to mix things up.  How about you?  What do you do to get quiet?

Sharing time with positive people

Sharing time with positive uplifting people is key to increasing your energy and lifting your spirit. Anybody who brings you down is not part of the solution. Take inventory of the people and personalities in your life.  Your energy will mirror the people you surround yourself with.

Infuse your life with nature

As I write this I am looking out the window at a huge maple tree just beginning to share her new fall colors with me. I have a pickle jar filled with Petoskey stones on my desk and small red and yellow sunflower that is on the ready to retire.  I bring the natural world into my environment to keep me grounded.

As important as it is to bring nature inside, it’s also a good idea to get out in the natural world. Walk along a woodland path, skip some flat stones across the lake, tack a sack lunch to a nearby park and breathe in the beauty of nature.  How do you infuse your life with nature?

Daily yoga practice

As a student of yoga and yoga instructor I realize the importance of honoring my body with a regular yoga practice. When I became a teacher I stopped being a student. It’s time to balance my love for yoga by making room in my life to be a yoga student.  Do you have a daily yoga practice?  Do you want to learn more about what that might look like?

Cultivating mindfulness

Unconscious behavior is easy to step back into when you feel overwhelmed and out of sorts. Practicing mindfulness will improve your outlook on life and teach you a lot about the way you are, the way you roll.  What does it mean to be mindful?  To me it is thoughtful consideration as well as witnessing your own behavior.  Minfulness is a  gift that can be internally mined at any time.  How do you cultivate mindfulness?

“Happiness is not a matter of events; it depends upon the tides of the mind”

- Alice Meynell

Shann Vander Leek is the Founder of True Balance Life Coaching and Co-founder of Seize True Success. She is a Coach Training Alliance certified professional coach, and certified yoga instructor. Shann is a prolific blogger, published writer and co-author of the Best Selling Book – Wake Up Women BE Happy Healthy & Wealthy. Shann’s personal style and direct approach have guided and inspired many in overcoming personal and professional challenges. Her background in sales, marketing and client development, along with leading a talented sales force for many years prepared her for the business of professional coaching. Shann inspires women in transition to create balance in their lives through personal coaching, yoga and creative expression. Telephone and email consultations make her accessible to clients all over the world. To find out about her Coaching Programs for Women, call Shann at 231.668.111 or visit www.truebalancelifecoaching.com

Are you and your partner compatible but have no sexual chemistry? If you are struggling with this issue, you are not alone. My experience is that all great relationships have both chemistry and compatibility.

1. If you feel this is a problem, it is. Ignoring it makes it worse.

• This problem does not go away, not matter what excuses you make or how much you want it to disappear.
• Actually, over time, it gets worse.
• Neither chemistry nor compatibility is able to hold the relationship alone

1. You are not being selfish to want both.  You deserve it.

• Ask yourself:  Do I deserve to have both a best friend and a lover in the same person?
• And mostly, do you deserve love?
• You need to answer yes to this question.

1. You cannot talk yourself into chemistry or compatibility.

• There is only one thing sadder than two people who have good sexual chemistry yet can’t seem to be good friends, and that is best friends who just don’t have that sexual chemistry.
• Oftentimes, best friends stay together and deny their sexual nature.
• Resentment usually builds over time.

1. When you have both, the relationship grows in a healthy way.

• All healthy relationships have both chemistry and friendship; this is what allows the partnership to grow and flourish.
• The only way to make-up is with friendship and chemistry.
• Chemistry draws us back to other person even when we are angry and friendship makes us glad we got over our differences.

    5.  This is the cycle and both are needed to complete the circle.

• We are hard-wired for chemistry and your hard-wiring is connected to another’s hard-wiring.
• Respect creates compatibility and sustains it.  Without respect, compatibility goes.
• Compatibility nourishes chemistry and chemistry enlivens compatibility. 

In a national competition, Chandra Alexander, MSW, was selected by THE OPRAH MAGAZINE as the Life Coach to deliver a series of coaching sessions to the grand prize winner of their prestigious Toyota Moving Forward contest. She also spent five years on NBC/TV “DAYTIME” giving a weekly “Reality Check”. Chandra has been living and teaching authenticity for the last 30 years and is the founder of Coaching for Authenticity, a place to explore and discover the essence of who you really are.

We all love slang, and using slang to describe romance, until it gets over-killed. What was hot a year or two ago now seems so passe. Uber-uncool. If you’re jumping into the dating scene again, it might help to know a bit of the latest dating slang. Not necessarily to use it successfully, but at least to understand. Of course, there will be some reading these terms, rolling their eyes and saying: duh, that was so yesterday…! But many people in the mainstream are a few years behind the hipsters, and those facing dating again after a break or pause could use some wording up help:

The Ladies:

A bunny boiler: A woman who gets crazed, obsessive and is scary. From Fatal Attraction, the famous scene of the pot on the stove, boiling-?

To glomp: Similar to a bunny boiler, but less drastic- a little desperate. Usage is:  Is she glomping you? I think she was glomping me.

Guyatus: When a girl or woman takes time off of dating anyone, usually after a bad experience. She’s ’suffering from guyatus.’

Guys:

A paternity fest: The celebration that a guy has when he finds out he isn’t the father of someone’s child.

A management ring: The promise or engagement ring a man gives his girl, to stop her from complaining (without any plans of getting married).

A manicorn: The sensitive, soulful man-friend who in reality is an imaginary creature (man + unicorn).

General Slang:

A non: The worst description you could give someone- a non is so unimportant it’s a non-issue. They don’t exist or aren’t attractive.

An umfriend: The friend (or more) that you introduce awkwardly. “This is Bob.  He’s my…um…friend?”

To be butter: Someone with a nice body but the face is less than attractive.

Arm candy: A date you are only out with as ‘decoration’ for your arm, attractive but not much else.

The slow fade/to pull a Houdini: When you want to stop dating someone, and instead of telling them you just… gradually… poof! Disappear.

To cupcake: Spending quality time with your partner, typically at home, instead of going out.

A starter marriage: The first marriage, usually very short and sweet, that paves the way to the ‘real marriage.’

A shackpack: The bag you take with you that has a toothbrush, some clean clothes, etc.- because you hope to stay the night with a romance.

Book: Cool. Stemming from T-9 mistakes from trying to write cool, it’s now unbook to use cool.

To bookmark someone: To make a mental note to get back to a person for a more in-depth conversation/meeting/date.

Jawn: A person, place or thing. “That jawn was hot, did you see her?” Mainly Philly area.

Sexting: Two meanings:

a:) to send sexy texts to a partner in a flirtatious way and

b:) sending actual naked photos via phone.

This lingo is not a full list, by any means- and the year is still far from over. At least you’re geared up for the dating world with 2009 lingo. Very, very book.

Relationships are not an easy thing, by any means. There are the beautiful, sunny points and the rough-patches that each relationship has to go through. We’ve all had good and bad relationships, but when you’re in what you once thought was a great relationship that is now going sour, you can feel helpless. Is there any way you can work your way back to the beginning, or at least iron out the problems you’re having? Of course there is- when you really want to save your relationship and make it work, you have to put the effort in. Both of you. But most relationships are salvageable. In fact many that get through the difficulties end up being stronger after. A few things to keep in mind, when you’re repairing a bad relationship:
Communication is one of the main reasons relationships start to suffer and fall apart. The less communication you have, the more the other person is put in the role of ‘partner/psychic,’ and many times they guess you wrong. It’s up to you to tell your partner what’s going on inside of your head. There are different ways of talking to them, without getting in an argument.
Start off by finding a good, calm time you can both sit down and make a date. Set it a few days ahead, and let them know that you’d like to discuss the relationship. This gives you both time to sit down and think about your personal needs or wants, and things you think you can do better. This is a time to be very honest with yourself- it is, after all, with the goal of making your relationship better. If you want to criticize anything about the partner or the relationship itself, think about your wording carefully.
Speaking about trouble in a relationship is never easy, but you can make it less painful if when you do talk- you’re not playing the Blame Game. It’s a lot better if you start out with accountability of where you can improve, before pointing fingers at your partner. Also discussing each point thoroughly without rushing through it can be helpful.
Come up with valid solutions for the problems you’re having, and agree on them together. It won’t be exactly useful if you find a way that isn’t going to work, or is imbalanced between the two of you.
Working on repairing your relationship also means working on yourself, to some extent. You have to be open to change, even minor changes, if it’s going to get back to a golden relationship.
Everyone has problems in their relationships from time to time. If you feel you can repair your bad relationship, there’s no time like the present to start working your way back to happiness.

Did you both agree that you’d be a stay-at-home mom and now your husband tells you “You have it easy?” Do you feel you do “everything” around the house and feel resentful because of it?

1. Did you both decide you would stay home and raise the children and he would have a job outside the house?

• If you both decided on how you would divide the duties in your house, why are you now having these issues?
• Just because a woman agrees to take care of the children does not mean she will take care of everything. It also does not mean that she can be financially irresponsible and not know what she has and doesn’t have.
• And just because a man makes the money, does not mean that he is not part of taking care of the house and children.

2.  Both partners do different jobs during the day, but at day’s end, both are parents and both are responsible for the life they have created.

• Expressing gratitude for one another’s contribution is the key to a strong, healthy relationship. 
• Does your husband value what you do as much as he values what he does?
• Are you secure in what you do and do you feel like an equal partner in the relationship? 

3. Does your husband or partner tell you “You have it easy” and do you defend your position?

• If you feel you are doing your job, never let anyone tell you that you have it easy; and never defend yourself.
• When your partner says that to you, he is either being critical or resentful; he is not sharing his real feelings with you.
• If one partner is resentful, it will erode the relationship. 

4. Does the moneymaker have the power in your relationship?

• It’s unfortunate, but making money seems to often take precedence over doing good work.
• Do not feel controlled because you do not make the money.
• If you feel powerful in your position, you will not allow yourself to be diminished.

5.  Do you feel that what you do is as important as what your husband does?

• You need to feel good about what you do. If you feel your contribution is less than your husbands’s or feel you are afraid to work for a living, you will always be in a one down position.
• Knowing you can take care of yourself, gives you the power to do whatever you want and feel good about it.
• Remember, no one can ever make you feel less about yourself unless you feel that way already.

In a national competition, Chandra Alexander, MSW, was selected by THE OPRAH MAGAZINE as the Life Coach to deliver a series of coaching sessions to the grand prize winner of their prestigious Toyota Moving Forward contest. She also spent five years on NBC/TV “DAYTIME” giving a weekly “Reality Check”. Chandra has been living and teaching authenticity for the last 30 years and is the founder of Coaching for Authenticity, a place to explore and discover the essence of who you really are.