Are you and your partner compatible but have no sexual chemistry? If you are struggling with this issue, you are not alone. My experience is that all great relationships have both chemistry and compatibility.

1. If you feel this is a problem, it is. Ignoring it makes it worse.

• This problem does not go away, not matter what excuses you make or how much you want it to disappear.
• Actually, over time, it gets worse.
• Neither chemistry nor compatibility is able to hold the relationship alone

1. You are not being selfish to want both.  You deserve it.

• Ask yourself:  Do I deserve to have both a best friend and a lover in the same person?
• And mostly, do you deserve love?
• You need to answer yes to this question.

1. You cannot talk yourself into chemistry or compatibility.

• There is only one thing sadder than two people who have good sexual chemistry yet can’t seem to be good friends, and that is best friends who just don’t have that sexual chemistry.
• Oftentimes, best friends stay together and deny their sexual nature.
• Resentment usually builds over time.

1. When you have both, the relationship grows in a healthy way.

• All healthy relationships have both chemistry and friendship; this is what allows the partnership to grow and flourish.
• The only way to make-up is with friendship and chemistry.
• Chemistry draws us back to other person even when we are angry and friendship makes us glad we got over our differences.

    5.  This is the cycle and both are needed to complete the circle.

• We are hard-wired for chemistry and your hard-wiring is connected to another’s hard-wiring.
• Respect creates compatibility and sustains it.  Without respect, compatibility goes.
• Compatibility nourishes chemistry and chemistry enlivens compatibility. 

In a national competition, Chandra Alexander, MSW, was selected by THE OPRAH MAGAZINE as the Life Coach to deliver a series of coaching sessions to the grand prize winner of their prestigious Toyota Moving Forward contest. She also spent five years on NBC/TV “DAYTIME” giving a weekly “Reality Check”. Chandra has been living and teaching authenticity for the last 30 years and is the founder of Coaching for Authenticity, a place to explore and discover the essence of who you really are.

Starting a new relationship and afraid of making the same mistakes again? If you don’t learn from past experience – what’s the point? As all of us know, there is no end to the number of times we can keep making the same mistakes. Learn how to stop what doesn’t work!!

1.  
   1. Accept responsibility for EVERY relationship you have ever been in.
      • None of this 50/50 BS. Take 100 percent responsibility and you will take back 100% of your power.
      • I had a moment of enlightenment many years ago when I was getting out of a major relationship. My friends agreed with me that he was so shallow and I was so deep (ah…to have good friends); a real mismatch. But my realization.. was that for the time we were together we were a perfect match. My stuff overlapped his stuff and that as much as I complained about his ability to be intimate, if I could have really done it, (be intimate), I certainly wouldn’t have stayed with someone who couldn’t as long as I did.
      • YOU are the one constant in every relationship you are in.
   1. Do not have “overlap relationships”. You need time to process feelings and information.
      • The absolute worse thing you can do when getting out of a relationship, is to quickly get in another.
      • You need time to process; to figure out what went wrong, what was good, what was bad. If you don’t spend this time you will never be able to learn from your mistakes.
      • You also need time to grieve. Even if you are glad to be out, don’t forget, you had hopes and dreams and none of them are going to happen. There’s a certain sadness when dreams don’t come to fruition.
   1. Do not rationalize. If it doesn’t feel good, it probably isn’t.
      • Do you pay attention to the red flags or do you just ignore them because you have an agenda (to be in a new relationship) and don’t want to be thrown off course?
      • Remember – What is in darkness is going to come to light eventually.
      • Be brave. Deal with your feelings even though feeling them might scare you. It’s all coming out. It’s just whether it comes sooner or later.
   1. Spend time alone. Unless you can be alone, you will never have healthy relationships.
      • Spending time alone, being able to enjoy your own company is the key to all good relationships.
      • Do you like your own company? Are you afraid to be alone?
      • If the answer is yes – that is exactly what you need to do.

In a national competition, Chandra Alexander, MSW, was selected by THE OPRAH MAGAZINE as the Life Coach to deliver a series of coaching sessions to the grand prize winner of their prestigious Toyota Moving Forward contest. She also spent five years on NBC/TV “DAYTIME” giving a weekly “Reality Check”. Chandra has been living and teaching authenticity for the last 30 years and is the founder of Coaching for Authenticity, a place to explore and discover the essence of who you really are.

How many times have you said or heard, “I will never change.  I like myself exactly as I am.” The willingness to change is essential to love and happiness and without it, we stop growing.

1.  Change is always about you, not the other person. When you do it for someone else it never works.

• So often we “change” to please another person not understanding that the change will be short-lived at best.
• The only time change works is if it is really what we want to do.
• It has to come from very deep inside and there needs to be a firm resolve. That resolve is what keeps you going during the hard times and doesn’t allow you to give up.

2.  Unless you are willing to change what doesn’t work you will keep getting the same results. All behavior has critical mass and momentum.

• Remember, time does nothing but pass.
• Things that are bad get worse over time, so anyone who says, “Let some time pass and things will get better”, didn’t know what they were talking about.
• The longer you behave in a particular way, the more energy is behind that way of being. Dysfunction stuff becomes automatic as time goes on.

3.  Change needs to resonate as true for you.

• You know you need to change regardless of what anyone else says. 
• Ask yourself the question: If I was all alone on this universe would my behavior be attractive to ME? Be honest. Are you attractive to your Self?
• If the answer is “No”, then you need to change.

4.  Change is an opportunity to grow and stretch and makes you feel good about yourself.

• If you don’t change and grow, what are you doing on this planet?
• If you think it is to keep making more and money, you are mistaken.
• Remember, an authentic life is different than a successful one.

5.  You can decide whether you want to be around someone who refuses to make changes.

• I had a client tell me that her husband said he would never change and that he liked himself just the way he was (with bad behavior and all). I told her that just like he had the right to decide so did she, and that she could decide whether or not she wanted to be around someone who didn’t want to change.

 In a national competition, Chandra Alexander, MSW, was selected by THE OPRAH MAGAZINE as the Life Coach to deliver a series of coaching sessions to the grand prize winner of their prestigious Toyota Moving Forward contest. She also spent five years on NBC/TV “DAYTIME” giving a weekly “Reality Check”. Chandra has been living and teaching authenticity for the last 30 years and is the founder of Coaching for Authenticity, a place to explore and discover the essence of who you really are.

1.  First, look realistically at the time frame. Has enough time passed for the two of you to really know one  another?

• Oftentimes, our own insecurity makes us jump the gun.
• Commitments build naturally as we get to know one another and getting to know another person takes time.  That does not mean you have your own personal boundaries and timelines. If you feel the relationship is not deepening as time goes on, you have the right to say, “This is not working for me. It seems like the things we want are different. I wish you best but feel it is time to go our own separate ways.”
• In the final analysis, commitment making has nothing to do with “feeling” committed.

2.  If you want a commitment in order to live together, do not live together until you have one.

• Once you live together, backtracking is always difficult.
• If you feel you have been with the other person long enough and the relationship is not deepening, living together is not going to make this happen.
• If you are not 100% sure of this relationship, do NOT live together.

3.  There is nothing more stressful than moving out of the house you are living in (it’s not your house), and that is what you will be doing if you move into someone else’s place.

• Even though you can do it, it gets tedious after a while and wears you down.
• How do you feel packing up your stuff and leaving the house you have been calling your home?
• How  any times will you do this until you learn not to?

4.  Never threaten or give an ultimatum. People do not love from a place of fear.

• You may get a commitment if you give an ultimatum but it will never be the commitment you want.
• Real commitments come freely, unsolicited, and with great love.
• Real commitments come without asking.  A client once asked me if I would ever ask for a commitment and I said I would rather jump from the balcony. Asking for commitment is like asking to be loved. You deserve to be loved simply because you are loveable.

5.  Accept the truth whatever it is.

• Either someone wants to be with you or they do not.
• It’s really this simple. And what makes it even simpler is for you not to want to be with anyone who doesn’t want to be with you.
• Accept what is and carry on with dignity and self-respect.

In a national competition, Chandra Alexander, MSW, was selected by THE OPRAH MAGAZINE as the Life Coach to deliver a series of coaching sessions to the grand prize winner of their prestigious Toyota Moving Forward contest. She also spent five years on NBC/TV “DAYTIME” giving a weekly “Reality Check”. Chandra has been living and teaching authenticity for the last 30 years and is the founder of Coaching for Authenticity, a place to explore and discover the essence of who you really are.

Are you living with someone whose anger is out of control?  Unleashed anger is a form of emotional abuse.  Ask yourself the following questions: 

1. Does your partner’s rage scare you?
   • Be honest.  Do you recoil when your partner exhibits aggressive behavior?  Aggressive behavior is designed to shut you up, to cause you to back away, to scare you. 
   • Anger comes in many forms – verbal as well as physical – psychological as well as emotional and mental. 

1. Do you think about everything you say before you say it?
   • If part of this scenario is that you have a “walking on eggs” relationship that means you are tiptoeing around the other person; you are afraid of the other’s reaction.
   • Continually thinking what you are going to say before you say it is a form of torture and yet many people live this way.  There is nothing worse than constantly going over your words, trying to make sure you say the right thing.  Once you are in this place, regardless of what you say, it will not be the right thing.

1. Does your partner ridicule you for expressing yourself?
   • Do you feel belittled and diminished in this relationship?  When you express your feelings do you end up wishing you hadn’t? 
   • Do you struggle to be taken seriously?  At some point do you feel worn down and just give up?  Remember – this is the goal of rage and anger and if you continue to participate in this process, it will only get worse.

1. Does your partner go for the jugular, saying things to wound you?
   • Knowing another is an honor and when your vulnerabilities are used against you, there is nothing worse.  Going for the jugular means that your partner knows exactly what to say to hurt you that will immediately STOP the conversation and cause you to retreat.

1. Does your partner throw away your belongings, destroy objects and   threaten pets?
   • If this is happening, you need to leave immediately. 
   • Physical violence happens in an instant but builds gradually.  It is only a matter of time before this relationship escalates into physical abuse.

In a national competition, Chandra Alexander, MSW, was selected by THE OPRAH MAGAZINE as the Life Coach to deliver a series of coaching sessions to the grand prize winner of their prestigious Toyota Moving Forward contest. She also spent five years on NBC/TV “DAYTIME” giving a weekly “Reality Check”. Chandra has been living and teaching authenticity for the last 30 years and is the founder of Coaching for Authenticity, a place to explore and discover the essence of who you really are

Are you dating someone who is either married or separated? If you are – Things You Need to Know:

1.  There is a reason why divorce and separation are two different stages – one is final, one is not.

• It is always best to wait till someone is divorced.
• In my practice, I have known many people who have all the intention in world of getting divorced, but somehow never do.
• Also, many who are separated go back to their spouses.

2.In order to be fully present in one relationship, you must be out of the other.

• Ask if you are unsure of someone’s status.  Anyone really available will not begin a new relationship until out of the present one.
• I remember once asking a guy if he was divorced. He said, “It’s the same as being divorced”. I asked him just exactly what that was. He told me he had been separated for many years and that they had an agreement. Is that unattractive or what?
• Ask yourself – Do you really want to be with someone who is available for a real relationship?

3. Married people (separated people) are not available – period.

• OK. Here’s the deal. If you’re married, you are not really available to begin a new relationship. And what a crummy way to start a new relationship.
• If you are in the process of “getting” a divorce, much of the conversation is about that – what is going on with your ex., he said, she said stuff, lawyers and conversation about when the divorce will be final, etc.
• Do you want to begin a new, fresh relationship, talking about old, stale stuff?

4. If you really want intimacy, choose someone who is available.

• Intimacy is about openness and openness results from having closure.
• Only when you are done with one thing, can you begin another.
• Starting new means having taken the time to make peace with your past.

In a national competition, Chandra Alexander, MSW, was selected by THE OPRAH MAGAZINE as the Life Coach to deliver a series of coaching sessions to the grand prize winner of their prestigious Toyota Moving Forward contest. She also spent five years on NBC/TV “DAYTIME” giving a weekly “Reality Check”. Chandra has been living and teaching authenticity for the last 30 years and is the founder of Coaching for Authenticity, a place to explore and discover the essence of who you really are

Do you feel stuck in your relationship and can’t figure out what to do next? How do you know if you are stuck? 

1. You keep repeating the same story over and over again.

• Are you finally bored with your story?
• Until you are tired of hearing the same old stuff, you can never move on.
• Remember, you can “be right” but not “feel right”.

2.  You tell friends and family to get consensus for your point of view.

• Anyone who is not sympathetic to your tale of woe quickly gets deleted from your phone. The more people you can get who agree with you, the more validated and “right” you feel. But the ego is only assuaged for the moment, and you quickly get on the phone to call the next person. 
• And a note to friends and family – You are not doing anyone a favor listening continuously to the drama.
• The more a person repeats his tale of woe, the more hard-wired it becomes.

3. You start every sentence with “Yes, but….” every time you get a suggestion to improve your situation.

• I have a friend I call the “yes, but girl”. No matter what suggestion she is given, her respond is always “yes, but”.
• What that means to me is that she has no intention of changing – she simply makes excuses and wants to be right.
• Being stuck is about being repetitious.  Honestly listen to yourself.

4. You recognize the same patterns even though the names and faces are different.

• OK. Here’s the deal. The names and places are different but he’s the same guy.
• Be honest with yourself. Are the patterns the same from one relationship to the next? Do you keep attracting “commitment phobic” guys?
• If you do, you need to look at yourself and make the adjustment there.

In a national competition, Chandra Alexander, MSW, was selected by THE OPRAH MAGAZINE as the Life Coach to deliver a series of coaching sessions to the grand prize winner of their prestigious Toyota Moving Forward contest. She also spent five years on NBC/TV “DAYTIME” giving a weekly “Reality Check”. Chandra has been living and teaching authenticity for the last 30 years and is the founder of Coaching for Authenticity, a place to explore and discover the essence of who you really are