When you make a commitment – can you keep it? Here are the reasons why commitments work:

1. There is an ease being with the other person.

• You like that person’s company better than anyone else’s.
• It’s a great feeling to really like the person you are with. What a relief!!
• Like and respect go hand and hand and are essential to loving.

2. You feel safe. We naturally want to keep commitments when we feel safe.

• You know that no matter what happens, the other person would never intentionally hurt you.
• You also feel you can be vulnerable. If you can’t cry with your partner, you can never really be open.
• Knowing another is an honor; there is a sacredness that is acknowledged, recognized, and never broken.

3. You feel supported personally and professionally and feel encouraged to develop your skills and talents.

• Even when those interests are different than your own, you are supportive of your partner.
• Real loving means you want the same things for your partner that you want for yourself.
• Nothing is more loving than having support and encouragement when going in a new direction.

4. Even when things get tough, you stay when you want to go, because you “know” this is where you belong.

• Assuming the relationship is reasonably healthy, you’re not so quick to run when you get upset or discouraged.
• All relationships go through fits and starts and you are willing to go through these times without creating great drama.
• Navigating these difficult junctures is what the makes the relationship flexible (able to bend without breaking) and makes you feel good about yourself and the other. It’s what deepens the bond and opens your heart to loving.

In a national competition, Chandra Alexander, MSW, was selected by THE OPRAH MAGAZINE as the Life Coach to deliver a series of coaching sessions to the grand prize winner of their prestigious Toyota Moving Forward contest. She also spent five years on NBC/TV “DAYTIME” giving a weekly “Reality Check”. Chandra has been living and teaching authenticity for the last 30 years and is the founder of Coaching for Authenticity, a place to explore and discover the essence of who you really are.

1.  First, look realistically at the time frame. Has enough time passed for the two of you to really know one  another?

• Oftentimes, our own insecurity makes us jump the gun.
• Commitments build naturally as we get to know one another and getting to know another person takes time.  That does not mean you have your own personal boundaries and timelines. If you feel the relationship is not deepening as time goes on, you have the right to say, “This is not working for me. It seems like the things we want are different. I wish you best but feel it is time to go our own separate ways.”
• In the final analysis, commitment making has nothing to do with “feeling” committed.

2.  If you want a commitment in order to live together, do not live together until you have one.

• Once you live together, backtracking is always difficult.
• If you feel you have been with the other person long enough and the relationship is not deepening, living together is not going to make this happen.
• If you are not 100% sure of this relationship, do NOT live together.

3.  There is nothing more stressful than moving out of the house you are living in (it’s not your house), and that is what you will be doing if you move into someone else’s place.

• Even though you can do it, it gets tedious after a while and wears you down.
• How do you feel packing up your stuff and leaving the house you have been calling your home?
• How  any times will you do this until you learn not to?

4.  Never threaten or give an ultimatum. People do not love from a place of fear.

• You may get a commitment if you give an ultimatum but it will never be the commitment you want.
• Real commitments come freely, unsolicited, and with great love.
• Real commitments come without asking.  A client once asked me if I would ever ask for a commitment and I said I would rather jump from the balcony. Asking for commitment is like asking to be loved. You deserve to be loved simply because you are loveable.

5.  Accept the truth whatever it is.

• Either someone wants to be with you or they do not.
• It’s really this simple. And what makes it even simpler is for you not to want to be with anyone who doesn’t want to be with you.
• Accept what is and carry on with dignity and self-respect.

In a national competition, Chandra Alexander, MSW, was selected by THE OPRAH MAGAZINE as the Life Coach to deliver a series of coaching sessions to the grand prize winner of their prestigious Toyota Moving Forward contest. She also spent five years on NBC/TV “DAYTIME” giving a weekly “Reality Check”. Chandra has been living and teaching authenticity for the last 30 years and is the founder of Coaching for Authenticity, a place to explore and discover the essence of who you really are.