Divorce can be one of the most stressful times of your life- it’s painful finishing your relationship, it can get messy and when children are involved it gets even more emotionally complicated. You have to deal with your own pain, and try your best to help your children through it, too. Kids all react to divorce differently. You’ll need to be both strong emotionally and patient with them, because children tend to cope with divorce by acting out in some ways. A few steps you can take to help make the change for your kids as painless as possible:

1. Talk to them. They’ll need to know exactly what changes will happen, in the most straight-forward language as possible. This means no playing the blame-game or pointing fingers at your almost-ex. You should both show your children a united front, letting them know that it has nothing to do with them. That you still love them unconditionally, even if your relationship with your partner has changed. Also watch what and how you say things to other people when your children are around. They’ll be listening closely and any additional negativity will be picked up on.
2. Make the change gradually. Try to keep things as normal as possible. Small changes over a period of time helps children adjust to the divorce. You should also include them in the process, or explaining as you go why these changes are happening. The more honest you are, without judgment, the better off your kids will be in understanding and coping.
3. Let them express themselves. They’ll be adjusting just as much as you are to the divorce. Keep tabs on their emotions, and pay attention to any changes or mood swings. Let them tell you how they’re feeling openly. They might not say what you want to hear but they need to know their feelings are just as important as yours. They shouldn’t feel like they’re walking on eggshells, and if they think they have to hold things in they’ll be reactive later.
4. Be supportive. Helping your children cope with your divorce involves a lot of security issues. They need full knowledge that they’ll have some changes, but that they’ll still be loved and taken care of by both of you. This doesn’t mean that you should shower them with toys, but give them emotional affection. Remember that each child reacts differently: some will be much quieter, some will act as if nothing happened or that there aren’t any changes and some will have behavior issues, even months after the divorce.
5. Give yourself time for you. You’ll need to be strong enough for both you and your children, which means keeping to the same schedules they’re used to, eating right and taking care of yourself. You’ll have your own emotional needs to take care of- it’s a long process. The best way you can help your children with the divorce is by making sure you’re OK.

It will be difficult getting you and your family through the divorce. But you can do it. Realizing how to help your children cope can help you put the pieces back together. Giving you all the ability to move forward in a positive way.

Happy 14th Birthday!
I’ve been thinking for awhile that I should add a blog to my site. Thinking turned into action last week when I set up the structure for this blog. Once in place, I had to face the next question: what to write? As June approached, my questioning intensified. I knew that the new month, filled with the new beginnings of school vacation, was the right time for me to begin this next phase.

But what to write? Does my work end with the pages written in The Pro-Child Way: Parenting with an Ex? Or is there more left to offer those parenting after divorce? Of course, the universe weaved it’s magic once again, and the answer came to me in a flash today. The flash of a camera, capturing my older daughter’s 14th birthday on the first of June.

In my camera, there is now a picture of my daughter, surrounded by family. HER family.
1. Her mom (that would be me).
2. Her sister (my 2nd daughter)
3. Her dad (my Ex of 12 years)
4. Her step-mom
5. Her sisters (my Ex and wife’s 2 daughters)
6. Her brother (my Ex and wife’s son)
7. Her grandmother (my mom)
8. Her great-grandmother (my mom’s mom)
9. Her aunt (my sister) and husband
10. Her 3 cousins (my sister’s children)

Corralling this gang, was my partner who was very good at getting smiles from everyone.

While some of her out-of-state family were not there, and the dog wasn’t invited inside, it still made for a very full sofa. When the flash went off, a gentle kiss from heaven whispered: “job well done” in my mind. “Yes”, I smiled back.

Immediately, the young children scattered in chaos while the adults went back to talking. In the midst, was my birthday girl. Totally oblivious to the special moment that was swirling around her. Sure, she was smiling and very pleased to be celebrating her birthday, but the fact that HER family was surrounding her was no big deal.

Just like when I was 14 and my family surrounded me at my birthday. If it wasn’t for the pictures, I wouldn’t recall that my family surrounded me — it was a normal, non-eventful, totally predictable non-event that only would have been remarkable if I hadn’t been surrounded by my family. I’ve never been so please to create a non-event for my daughter!

Thirty years from now, will my daughter remember that her family attended her birthday? She’ll probably shrug and say, “Why wouldn’t they have?” And I will still be smiling right next to her.

Relates to Situation #16, Parents Together: The Birthday Party, The Pro-Child Way: Parenting with an Ex to be released January 2010
Ellen Kellner all rights reserved

Ellen Kellner is on the Panel of Experts for the National Association of Divorce for Women and Children and a contributor for “The Single Again! Now What?” blog.

As the Founder of the National Association of Divorce for Women and Children, Joanie’s passion is to help women be the best they can be as well as become role models for their children and community. The 24/7 Resource Center was created not only because of the lack of support and guidance Joanie experienced after her divorce, but for the many women who experience the same challenges.       

Joanie became a successful business owner of a True Value Hardware store at the age of twenty five. After eighteen years in the retail arena, she embarked on a professional career as a speaker, author, business/personal coach specializing in divorce and a Certified Behavior Specialist. She is also the Divorce Specialist for the National Association of Baby Boomers.

To continue to help provide a healthy lifestyle for women and children, Joanie is the Founder of the non-profit Happy Wednesday Foundation which provides funding for women’s educational mentoring programs during and after divorce.

For more support and encouragement during and after divorce, visit the National Association of Divorce for Women and Children.

A first-of-its-kind national poll reveals how divorced boomers are holding up.

To determine if a consensus exists about how divorced baby boomers are holding up, a National Poll on Divorce was conducted by the National Association of Divorce for Women and Children and the Baby Boomer [Knowledge Center].

Participants in the poll were asked three fundamental questions about the divorce process, the relationship with their “former” spouse and inevitability the affects of divorce has on the dynamics of the family.

1. What was the most challenging part of getting a divorce: custody of the children, dividing the assets or finances?

2. What life skills would have been helpful when going through your divorce: stress management, coping skills and/or communication skills?

3. What is your relationship now with your former spouse: amicable, have learned to tolerate each other for the sake of the children or can’t be in the same room together and do not speak to each other?

Results:

o Of the people participating in the poll, it was not surprising to see the majority (41%) report that dealing with the finances was the most challenging part of getting a divorce. Second most challenging was the dividing of the assets at 19% and a pleasant surprise was the custody of the children being the lowest percentage at 13%.

o The majority of the participants (41%) report that coping skills would have been a helpful life skill during their divorce. Stress management was 28% with communication skills a close third at 26%. This shows how divorce really is an emotional roller coaster ride.

o Even though the results revealed that 55% of the participants reported have an amicable relationship with their former spouse after their divorce, the comments did not coincide with that high percentage (see respondent testimonials below). Participants reported that 15% cannot be in the same room with their former spouse and do not speak to each other, and only 4% reported they have learned to tolerate each other for the sake of the children. “Other” came in at a high 19%.

Even though the % showed finances were the most challenging part of getting a divorce, the comments revealed more about the sadness and embarrassment of divorce such as “tearing apart the family,” “becoming a single mom,” “telling my friends I was divorced,” “realizing that I had failed,” “learning to be on my own and not growing old with my husband.”

Although the majority of respondents stated they had amicable relationships with their former spouse, many of the comments were far more negative, such as “no relationship as we hardly speak,” “nonexistent,” “never see or speak to him,” “only e-mail,” “no contact,” “over-not part of my future,” and “not involved in each other’s lives at all.”

Methodology
During the month May 2009 the poll was available to both men and women baby boomers on National Association of Divorce for Women and Children and the Baby Boomer [Knowledge Center]™. To achieve maximum participation the poll was also published on: Menopauserus.com, WrightMinded.com, Wise Heart Coaching, Cyber Hot Flash, the National Association of Baby Boomer Women, Kalon Women, and over 30 experts from the National Association of Divorce for Women and Children. A total of 1,876 people responded to the poll. To achieve maximum candor for respondent participation and comments, all responses were anonymous.

About National Association of Divorce for Women and Children
The www.NADWC.org is a 24/7 on-line Resource Center to support, encourage and inspire women going through a life-changing experience such as divorce who want to rejuvenate their own lives and the lives of their children.

About Baby Boomer [Knowledge Center]™
Baby Boomer [Knowledge Center]™ is an information destination where you can explore new frontiers for living in a world that offers daily fresh challenges, choices and opportunities. Our mission is to connect Baby Boomers to high-value content in real time – no matter how specialized or specific – as quickly as possible. (http://BabyBoomerKnowledgeCenter.com)

Notice:
This poll may be reproduced in its entirety or in part with the appropriate attribution and acknowledgments.

© Copyright, 2009 – National Association of Divorce for Women and Children, Baby Boomer [Knowledge Center]™

As the Founder of the National Association of Divorce for Women and Children, Joanie’s passion is to help women be the best they can be as well as become role models for their children and community. The 24/7 Resource Center was created not only because of the lack of support and guidance Joanie experienced after her divorce, but for the many women who experience the same challenges.       

Joanie became a successful business owner of a True Value Hardware store at the age of twenty five. After eighteen years in the retail arena, she embarked on a professional career as a speaker, author, business/personal coach specializing in divorce and a Certified Behavior Specialist. She is also the Divorce Specialist for the National Association of Baby Boomers.

To continue to help provide a healthy lifestyle for women and children, Joanie is the Founder of the non-profit Happy Wednesday Foundation which provides funding for women’s educational mentoring programs during and after divorce.

For more support and encouragement during and after divorce, visit the National Association of Divorce for Women and Children.

ALIVE AND OH WELL!
Check in with Joanie and Gina

This blog is a combo-talk show/counseling session in words with intriguing dialogue. We will help guide you through crucial transitions in your life—not just surviving divorce with grace, humor and feminine integrity, but anything that has left you feeling stuck, under-inspired or overwhelmed.

I’ve heard it said that when a marriage ends and spouses go their separate ways, you discover who your true friends are. While friendships have always been important to me, I didn’t fully realize until this past year how truly blessed I am with abundant loving relationships. Limited space on this blog permits me to tell only a smattering of stories, so I’d like to share something specific here—namely, how I gathered tangible expressions of friendship that I received this past year and created something that inspires me daily.

My inner circle of dearest girlfriends rallied to my side after my spouse left, even whisking me and my kids away for several weekend trips to emotionally unwind and regroup. Photos from those getaways are propped up alongside framed pictures of family on a bookshelf in our sun room.

Expressions of caring from less expected sources continue to widen this circle of support in my life. As I revealed the news of my separation to others, something wonderful began to occur. Neighbors, other parents, people in my community and colleagues reached out with uplifting cards and gifts of encouragement. For example, Teri, a fellow journalist, randomly mailed me a note, “Thinking about you at this difficult time …I know your strong beliefs will get you through.” Nestled in the envelope was a handmade bracelet of sparkling ruby crystals with a charm that read “keep the faith.” Agnes, who I only see a few times a year, thoughtfully sent me postcards throughout her summer travels to her native France. Most special was one from the Chapel of Our Lady in rue du Bac, Paris. “I knelt at the feet of the altar here and asked Mary to give you strength, confidence and special protection,” she penned. As I received these items, I placed each one with gratitude among the photos on that same bookshelf.

Various other things given to me accumulated on those shelves: a heart-shaped quartz stone, poems, votive candles, potted flowers, blessed palm from Palm Sunday Mass, a bird feeder, a quirky fortune-cookie message, a writing journal, a winged silver dancer statuette with a quote from Helen Keller: “One can never consent to creep when one feels an impulse to soar.” Even my publisher surprised me at Christmastime with a book titled The Dancer Within—a gift that expresses with precision how well he knows me and appreciates who I am.

All these items and more fill that bookshelf—to the point that I now call that corner of the sun room my Wall of Love. Whenever I have a challenging day or receive yet another hurtful, abusive email from my former life partner, I make a nice cup of tea, sit in a comfy chair, take a deep breath and admire the shimmering glow of affection emanating from those objects, which are just material things but hold so much meaning.

If you’re currently struggling through a divorce, why not consider making your own Wall of Love? And if you know of someone who is dealing with this situation in their life right now, be a friend to them . . . send a note or other token of caring, and forward them a link to this post.

All best, Gina

Gina’s Information

www.EverythingmattersNothingmatters.com.
www.museyoucanuse-gina.blogspot.com.

Joanie’s Information

Single Again! Now What? Talk Radio Show with your host, Joanie Winberg.

Show Time: Every Wednesday evening @ 6:00PM EST
Call in: 347- 215-6997

Joanie Winberg, founder of the National Association of Divorce for Women and Children,
a Business/Personal Coach- specializing in Divorce, Speaker,
Human Behavior Consultant, and a Certified Laughter Leader.

As the Founder of the National Association of Divorce for Women and Children, Joanie’s passion is to help women be the best they can be as well as become role models for their children and community. The 24/7 Resource Center was created not only because of the lack of support and guidance Joanie experienced after her divorce, but for the many women who experience the same challenges.       

Joanie became a successful business owner of a True Value Hardware store at the age of twenty five. After eighteen years in the retail arena, she embarked on a professional career as a speaker, author, business/personal coach specializing in divorce and a Certified Behavior Specialist. She is also the Divorce Specialist for the National Association of Baby Boomers.

To continue to help provide a healthy lifestyle for women and children, Joanie is the Founder of the non-profit Happy Wednesday Foundation which provides funding for women’s educational mentoring programs during and after divorce.

For more support and encouragement during and after divorce, visit the National Association of Divorce for Women and Children.

Can your relationship survive an extra-marital affair?  If you’ve been cheated on but decided to stay in the relationship, this is what it takes for two people to heal and re-build a broken marriage. 

1. Admit that it’s broken and don’t try to fix it – Build a new one.
   • Going back to the way it was is not an option and besides, you don’t want to do that anyway.
   • By the time an affair happens, the bonds of a relationship are broken. 
   • The only way to begin again is to truly start at a beginning – and that is never easy. 

1. Put all the cards on the table – No more secrets!
   • If there was ever a time to come clean, this is it. 
   • Secrets are poison and keep people separated from one another.
   • What’s a secret?  A secret is a betrayal.  It’s withholding information from your partner; information that you know and your partner doesn’t.

1. Take responsibility for changing yourself only.
   • Even if you have been cheated on, step up, and take responsibility for being in the relationship. 
   • Betrayal does not happen overnight.  Be honest with yourself. I am sure there were many signs and signals you choose to overlook.

1. Cheating is always about the cheater – Don’t feel rejected!
   • It is very difficult not to feel rejected when you have been cheated on, but that is exactly what you must work on. 
   • Just like lying is a character issue and always about the person who is lying, cheating is also a character issue and always about the person who is doing the cheating. 
   • Either we feel cheating is okay or it is not.  Unless YOU refuse to cheat, no matter what, you will always be tempted when things do not go your way.

1. If you can’t forgive, you need to leave.
   • As the one who has been cheated on – you need to ask yourself if you can forgive.  If you feel you cannot, you need to leave.
   • Forgiveness comes from wanting to feel right rather than wanting to be right.
   • Once you decide that you want to stay in the relationship and move forward, all discussion of the affair needs to stop.

In a national competition, Chandra Alexander, MSW, was selected by THE OPRAH MAGAZINE as the Life Coach to deliver a series of coaching sessions to the grand prize winner of their prestigious Toyota Moving Forward contest. She also spent five years on NBC/TV “DAYTIME” giving a weekly “Reality Check”. Chandra has been living and teaching authenticity for the last 30 years and is the founder of Coaching for Authenticity, a place to explore and discover the essence of who you really are.

As founder of the National Association of Divorce for Women and Children, our goal is to provide you with a Panel of Experts to support and encourage you during and after divorce.

Today, I am excited to introduce Patrick Wanis, Ph.D., a Celebrity Life-Coach. The Daily Buzz” anointed him “The Woman Expert” and FOX News pronounced him “A voice for women.”

Enjoy,
Joanie Winberg

Getting Rid of Our Emotional Baggage

1. Why is it so hard for us to get over our past romantic hurts?

A truly romantic connection & relationship affects, impacts and absorbs us physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. The more we attach to the other person, the harder it is for us to get over them: i.e. if our identity, self-worth and future were tied to this person, then it becomes even more difficult to get over him or her.”

2. What’s the first step to getting over them? Why?

The first step to getting over him or her is to separate your emotional issues from his/hers. In other words, accept responsibility for your actions but don’t accept responsibility or blame yourself for the way he/she chose to respond to you. You are not to blame if your partner cheated on you, became an alcoholic or a gambler. Each one of use makes the individual choice about how we will treat the other person and ourselves. Until such time as when we accept that they did what they did because of who they are and we did what we did because of who we are, then we will continue to chase them, trying to prove ourselves to them, to get their approval, forgiveness and acceptance.
Keep Reading…

Joanie Winberg is the Founder of the National Association of Divorce for Women and Children. We understand the challenges of divorce. You are not alone. For more information, go to www.FreshStartAfterDivorce.com.

Single Again! Now What? Talk Radio Show
Tune in…every Wednesday @ 6:00PM EST
Call 347-215-6997.
Click here for upcoming shows…

As the Founder of the National Association of Divorce for Women and Children, Joanie’s passion is to help women be the best they can be as well as become role models for their children and community. The 24/7 Resource Center was created not only because of the lack of support and guidance Joanie experienced after her divorce, but for the many women who experience the same challenges.       

Joanie became a successful business owner of a True Value Hardware store at the age of twenty five. After eighteen years in the retail arena, she embarked on a professional career as a speaker, author, business/personal coach specializing in divorce and a Certified Behavior Specialist. She is also the Divorce Specialist for the National Association of Baby Boomers.

To continue to help provide a healthy lifestyle for women and children, Joanie is the Founder of the non-profit Happy Wednesday Foundation which provides funding for women’s educational mentoring programs during and after divorce.

For more support and encouragement during and after divorce, visit the National Association of Divorce for Women and Children.