Submitted by I’m Right and You’re Wrong (ED. While this article talks about making Aliyah- or moving to Israel- the relevence is clear for anyone relocating to a new area)

There is a great article over at Aish.com written by Tara Eliwatt, about parenting and Aliyah( moving to Israel). She describes the ups and downs of making Aliyah with small children who have to try an integrate into the Israeli school system. Her Hebrew is non-existent and her kids are not much more fluent.

In an emotional moment for any parent she says, “I don’t want to leave him. I want to sit with him and talk to him and tell all the boys at the bus stop, “Hey — you’ve got to get to know this kid. He’s so bright and creative, and lots of fun to be with! He’s sensitive and thoughtful. He would be a great friend to have.” But they don’t speak English, and my Hebrew is poor at best. Instead, I drive the car slowly away, peering into the rear view window to see if he follows my advice.
I can’t blame him for not being assertive at the bus stop. I’m afraid to call Israeli mothers on the phone to arrange play dates for my kids. What if they don’t understand me? What if they don’t want their child playing with an American?”

Organizations that promote Aliyah, like Nefesh B’Nefesh, have done such a great job in helping olim get acclimated in Israel, whether it be helping finding a job, a suitable community, and/or easing bureaucratic red tape. Because of NBN’s success, we may forget that a major issue that is beyond the scope of any organization is helping children make new friends, and get comfortable in their new surroundings.

Eliwatt says that a well placed ice-cream cone, or a trip to the park can help ease the transition as it helps bring the family closer and remind all that they are in this together.

She concludes, “But at least a few times a week, (before I’ve lost my patience, raised my voice or done some other parenting faux pas), my daughter has looked at me with a sweet smile on her face, asking, “Why are you such a good mommy?”
I don’t recall ever hearing that question in America.
There is a sense in the family that “we’re all in this together.” And perhaps, in witnessing our children slowly acclimate to their new life, we are inspired to work harder to adapt and to accept the changes in our own lives.”

A must read article for anyone thinking of relocating to a new geographic area.

Very interesting post over on grownchildren.net (what a great title, btw).  The gist of the post is the importance of having “The Chat” with your kids.  I’m squimish when it comes to discussing adolescence but for some reason, I find financial discussions to be easier.  Not so for most people.

So, it got me thinking about 3 important reasons to discuss finances with kids:

1. logistics: it happens that parents pass away without ever telling children where their assets are located.  In my job as a financial planner, I see this occur with more frequency than you’d expect.  Children spend the time post-mortem looking for and tracking down assets.  Bequeath the assets or give them away but don’t lose them.  Keep your kids in the loop.
2. ethical inheritance: use these discussions to impart your values on your children.  Let them know why you worked so hard all your life.  Explain to them how you manage the work/life conundrum.  These discussions, however awkward, mean a lot to your children, while you’re around and after.  AS Penny mentioned in the article linked to above, it’s also a great forum to explain divergence in inheritances between family members.  I remember my grandfather, OBM, showing me his mother’s will which effectively left nothing to him and all to his siblings because he had done well in business.  He understood what he mother meant by her actions and in fact, respected her for such decisions.
3. wealth transfer: how frequently we see new clients coming into money for the first time in their lives while in their late 50s and 60s.  Their parents lived to a ripe age and left money for their middle-aged children.  Frequently, as we see the baby boomers retire, this requires the children receiving inheritance to learn basic asset management skills and/or shop around for an advisor.  The sooner the children are brought into the circle of trust, the sooner and quicker they can start scaling the knowledge curve required to manage money responsibly.

As life expectancy continues to increase, the burden of both financially and physically caring for aging parents is one of the most important and pressing issues for adult children that exists today. I often see families torn apart by this responsibility. It’s sometimes difficult for families to retain harmony and still provide the necessary care needed for their parents. Managing family finances is often carried out between spouses, but what happens when children have to start taking control of their parent’s situation?

There are many different approaches families take in handling this issue. Some elderly parents single out one child to handle their financial affairs. In most cases, the siblings who are not singled out are happy to be free of the responsibility. Other elderly parents don’t explicitly mention anything and adopt a “wait and see” attitude. Here, an alert child should step in before any irreversible fiscal damage is done. The most common approach is where parents don’t want to single out any one child for fear of insulting other children, so they ask all their children to cooperate in overseeing their financial matters.

Which method is best?

There is no “best” method for success. The goal should be to limit the amount of family discord, while providing the greatest quality of financial oversight. Each family needs to understand its own dynamic, and take geographic relationships, and fiscal experience into account.

The most common case I see is where there is one child living in one coast and the rest of the siblings still live back home. The parents sell their house and move to the coast. The siblings come to consult on a financial plan for the parents. We discuss the assets, the basic income requirements, and the sometimes-inordinate health-related expenses. The sibling living near the parent accepts the burden of physically caring for the parent, and all of the siblings plan on jointly handling the money. Then, they all return to their respective homes. That’s when the trouble begins.

Since the rest of the siblings are far away, they begin to lose touch with the day-to-day issues involved in caring for their parent. Nonetheless, they feel confident in their ability to handle money, so they all have strong opinions in the financial decision-making process. The child actually caring for the parent, on the other hand, though no money expert, is the one who has to pay all the parent’s bills. There is often an incredible disconnect between them in terms of financial priorities. They all seem to have their own agenda.

Furthermore, each sibling doesn’t want to burden the other, so they call the advisor(s) with minor details. The lack of clear communication between the siblings themselves and with their parents makes for a tricky situation.

The need for objectivity

Siblings need to open up the lines of communication between them, and should definitely consult with an advisor if they need help in creating a financial plan. Often it takes an objective third party to smooth out emotional flashpoints, and maintain family harmony. A financial advisor can develop a plan for an elderly parent in consultation with the responsible sibling, and then can invite the rest of the siblings in to hear the proposal. Everyone can learn the details, ask questions, and understand the greater picture, without one sibling appearing too domineering or pushy.

Assuming control of your parent’s financial responsibilities can be emotionally draining and time consuming. However, having a concrete plan as to what needs to be done, and who should do it, can help mitigate some of the emotional energy. Siblings should be prepared to consult with one another, and assign specific duties to all the family members according to their individual abilities.