We all love slang, and using slang to describe romance, until it gets over-killed. What was hot a year or two ago now seems so passe. Uber-uncool. If you’re jumping into the dating scene again, it might help to know a bit of the latest dating slang. Not necessarily to use it successfully, but at least to understand. Of course, there will be some reading these terms, rolling their eyes and saying: duh, that was so yesterday…! But many people in the mainstream are a few years behind the hipsters, and those facing dating again after a break or pause could use some wording up help:

The Ladies:

A bunny boiler: A woman who gets crazed, obsessive and is scary. From Fatal Attraction, the famous scene of the pot on the stove, boiling-?

To glomp: Similar to a bunny boiler, but less drastic- a little desperate. Usage is:  Is she glomping you? I think she was glomping me.

Guyatus: When a girl or woman takes time off of dating anyone, usually after a bad experience. She’s ’suffering from guyatus.’

Guys:

A paternity fest: The celebration that a guy has when he finds out he isn’t the father of someone’s child.

A management ring: The promise or engagement ring a man gives his girl, to stop her from complaining (without any plans of getting married).

A manicorn: The sensitive, soulful man-friend who in reality is an imaginary creature (man + unicorn).

General Slang:

A non: The worst description you could give someone- a non is so unimportant it’s a non-issue. They don’t exist or aren’t attractive.

An umfriend: The friend (or more) that you introduce awkwardly. “This is Bob.  He’s my…um…friend?”

To be butter: Someone with a nice body but the face is less than attractive.

Arm candy: A date you are only out with as ‘decoration’ for your arm, attractive but not much else.

The slow fade/to pull a Houdini: When you want to stop dating someone, and instead of telling them you just… gradually… poof! Disappear.

To cupcake: Spending quality time with your partner, typically at home, instead of going out.

A starter marriage: The first marriage, usually very short and sweet, that paves the way to the ‘real marriage.’

A shackpack: The bag you take with you that has a toothbrush, some clean clothes, etc.- because you hope to stay the night with a romance.

Book: Cool. Stemming from T-9 mistakes from trying to write cool, it’s now unbook to use cool.

To bookmark someone: To make a mental note to get back to a person for a more in-depth conversation/meeting/date.

Jawn: A person, place or thing. “That jawn was hot, did you see her?” Mainly Philly area.

Sexting: Two meanings:

a:) to send sexy texts to a partner in a flirtatious way and

b:) sending actual naked photos via phone.

This lingo is not a full list, by any means- and the year is still far from over. At least you’re geared up for the dating world with 2009 lingo. Very, very book.

Aren’t you really tired- exhausted, even- by your stalker?  How in the h-e-double-hockey stick do  they think not leaving you alone will make them attractive?  Seriously?  The tweets, the texts, the emails, the stopping by the flat randomly to say hello and then screaming at the neighbors to let them in are all…super-bad.  When a person likes someone, the best way to go about attracting them  is not scaring them silly. Just an idea.

It was interesting to find out that out of twelve women, at least one will be stalked in her life.  And for you men out there, you might be interested to find out one out of forty-five are going to be stalked. By other men. You’d envision Bunny Boilers, but you’re getting Harry Hares instead. Oh, yes, please.  Isn’t it nice to know someone finds you yummy?

At least there is an answer and a solution for those of us that aren’t fans of Fatal Attraction- we can, in the States, go to the law and win.  Many states now have laws against stalking that include emails and texting.  In criminal language, it’s called e-trailing and textual harassment. You can not only make them keep a distance, but also get legal space from the mental that’s fixated on you.

It sounds like great news, but unfortunately most people try to deal with their own, cute and personally-amplified stalkers on their own.  Many times, it ends up with them (the stalkers) hurting their ideal.  Need a simple example?  John Lennon.  Look at the facts, and then apply them to your less-than-famous life.  You’re more than likely in trouble if you’re being stalked.

Leaving it be and hoping it- they- will quietly go away is like hoping that foul-smelling gangrene in your leg will improve if you keep thinking positively.  Sensitivity is great.  Trying not to hurt someone’s feelings is great.  Modifying your behavior, your life and letting your partner, friends and family possibly become the target of harms’ way is cowardice.

Taking some sort of action is not only commendable, but necessary.  Being aware and active puts the driver’s seat back where you want to drive, and takes their misguided power away.  Don’t wait for ages- just to let you know, the typical stalker goes manic for roughly 1.2 years.  Patience is an opiate for these people.  You don’t have to put your life on pause, or change your job- you simply have to take care of that particular person.  Now.

Keep in mind that stalking is a two-way street if you do nothing:  they devote their free time, their lives, to you.  In turn, you have devotion of avoiding, obsessing on what they might do and no real interaction with others- because they become exactly what they hoped for.  Your sole focus.

Think about your stalker the same way you would approach an illness:  prevention prevents having to try (and possibly failing) at treatment.  Do you really want to devote one year of your life to someone who clearly doesn’t respect you enough to respect your boundaries?  Or your taste?  Which in a nutshell, is your you.

Find a stalking forum, speak to authorities, get some help from outside sources and get rid of them, already.  It’s time to subtract them from your lifely equation, so that you can start living again.  Unless you’re enjoying the drama.  Which in that case: good luck and godspeed.  I hope you like rabbit.