One of the worst things that ever happened to women was the logic card.  We rate, we debate and we rationalize whether or not we should even bother with him.  What we’re forgetting- what we forget, consistently- is there are so many un-plucked, good guys that could be the answer.  Not Mr. Right, or Mr. Right Now, but Mr. Hello.  Mr. Nice to meet you.  Has Hollywood really destroyed your sense of romanticism and given you such unreal expectations that you’ll never take less?  Less is more, when you want a relationship.

Of course, you can wait for Brad Pitt…if you’re Jolie-equese.  If you’re one of the normal, average (yet beautiful) people you’ll need to start opening yourself up.  To possibility.  How much time are you wasting- and aging- by going through a negative list of how he doesn’t measure up?  It’s tiring and it’s an absolute waste of time.  He’s in your circumference if you look.  A friend, a colleague, the man who always remembers your favorite magazine in the shop.  The neighbor who always opens the door.  The mailman that puts  your letters priority.  Available, attainable men.  Good men that are waiting, in the back of their minds, for you.

The chase, the run, the capture all look great on paper.  But when it comes down to it, are you really seeking a manipulator and a man that’s unreliable?  Really?  That’s the movie man:  he woos, he enjoys himself, he disappears.  He isn’t anywhere near stable.  He’s a manicorn- what you think you want, until you have him.  And then he’s simply messy.  Emotionally, physically and slightly destructive to you.  The golden guy, the elusive you’ve been looking for, already belongs to you.  He’s there.  Attentive.  Ready to jump, if you just say the word.

The only thing holding you back is fear.  Of refusal, of the dreaded ‘no.’  Take a moment to reflect, breathe, and ask him out.  The worst that can happen is that he says ‘I can’t…’  The best, on the other hand, is that he can and will.  Guys have been living in this tenuous place of possibility since they carted around clubs.  By taking the chance, by getting outside of your dating box, you’re empowering yourself.  He’ll love you for it, and so will you.  The new feminism is making and acting on choices that make you happier.

It’s a proven fact that the best first dates are walks, without the intensity of staring.  They’re also so much safer for both parties:  you chat, listen and generally have the opportunity for touch.  If you want.  But on your terms.  You can get a coffee, go for a wander and have an amazingly romantic time of it, without feeling like you’re on a Real Date.  Ladies, you are selling yourselves so short by limiting the playing field.  By running (and screaming) from making an attempt.  And by closing your head to the full team of the interested, with petty and odd personal rules.

He’s out there.  Waiting.  Isn’t it about time you got out there, too?

Are you grieving over the loss of a loved one?  If you are grieving and are having trouble being with others, here are a few ways to better deal with your loss.

1. Grieving is a natural part of life – we grieve when we lose something we love.

• For some reason, in the West, we deal with grieving, death and dying, as unspeakable subjects.
• It is as though we think if we don’t talk about them, they will go away.
• But they don’t go away because they are inherent in life; the cycle of birth and death rages on.

1. There is no “normal” timeframe to stop grieving – the grieving stops when you are done mourning.

• If you surrender to the natural process of grieving, you will move through grieving and be done when you are done.
• Everything is moving and changing all the time.
• When you feel the passing of something, you need to allow yourself to grieve and give yourself permission to feel your sadness.

1. Do not pretend to be “happy” if you are not.

• Pretending is the opposite of authenticity.  To feel is to be authentic.
• Every death – the death of a loved one, the losing of a job, the ending of a relationship, even though it might have been dysfunctional, – summons up every other death. Judith Rossner says in her book August, “After the first death, there is no other.”
• Whether you are around friends, family, acquaintances, or strangers, understand that grieving is a natural and normal part of life. and you will feel sad when you lose someone you love.

1. Talk about the person you loved and lost … even if it makes others feel uncomfortable.

• You have a right to talk about things you want to talk about as much as the next person.
• It is not your job to make someone else feel comfortable.
• If you need professional help, get it.

1. You cannot think your way through grief – you must feel.

• I often say the only way to HEAL is to FEEL.
• Thinking keeps the “feelings” in the head, in a very intellectual way, never allowing them to come down and rest in the heart
• Until you are willing to feel your feelings of sadness, you can never move through the natural process of grieving.

In a national competition, Chandra Alexander, MSW, was selected by THE OPRAH MAGAZINE as the Life Coach to deliver a series of coaching sessions to the grand prize winner of their prestigious Toyota Moving Forward contest. She also spent five years on NBC/TV “DAYTIME” giving a weekly “Reality Check”. Chandra has been living and teaching authenticity for the last 30 years and is the founder of Coaching for Authenticity, a place to explore and discover the essence of who you really are.

Is your relationship in jeopardy and are you wondering whether to leave or stay? Here are some questions to ask yourself before you make this life changing decision.

1. Have you stopped blaming your mate and accepted 100% responsibility for your part in this relationship?

• One hundred percent!! Not fifty percent or seventy percent.
• Accepting full responsibility for your life and the relationship you created automatically gives you back the power to create something different going forward.
• Regardless of what happened, you decided to stay in this relationship as long as you have.  You could have left at any time. 

1. Are you willing to do whatever you have to do to work on your issues?

• First, are you willing to look at just yourself and not your partner?
• Unless you are prepared to focus on your stuff, you will always end up making excuses.
• The best time to leave a relationship is when you know you have done all you can do to work on your issues and still you are not in sync with your partner.

1. Do you feel this is where you “belong”, no matter what the trials and tribulations?

• Is there more good stuff than bad stuff? 
• I have a friend that says, “We love the ones who stay”. So many people are willing to bolt once the real living takes place. People are different from one another. No matter how much you care for someone, there are going to be times when you simply don’t want to be there.
• Sometimes we just know this is where we belong.

1. Are you willing to be brutally honest with yourself and your partner?

• Being brutally honest means not ignoring the red flags and knowing when enough is enough.
• Never stay when you are being physically abused or emotionally disrespected and diminished.
• Leave when you feel you have done all the things you need to do for you to make it right and it still feels wrong.

Men are notorious for bottling things up, not being nearly as talkative as women and not expressing their emotions often. The strong, silent stereotype comes from somewhere. When you’re in a relationship with a quiet partner, you can find it difficult to get him to share his feelings or open up to you. It can complicate the relationship, because without a lot of communication, it can lead to distance or even arguments between you. Neither one of you are mind-readers, which is why you’d like him to share his feelings with you. Maybe you just want to get to know him better, hear more about his past, or his family. How can you get him to open up without hurting the relationship?

1. Be patient. You’re asking him to make a change, or want him to make a change. No one likes being changed. Relationships are based on compromise, so if you want him to do something for you you’ll have to be willing to do the same for him. Don’t expect he’ll tell you his life-story overnight. If he’s not used to talking about himself, it could make him uncomfortable. Let him set the pace, the time and the amount of information.
2. Find a good atmosphere for him to talk in. The more comfortable he feels, the more willing he’ll be able to share. Which means that loud, noisy places are out. The perfect place for talking can be by going for a walk. It’s relaxing, it gives him a chance to speak when he wants and it takes away the pressure of face to face intensity. Or quiet time, in the afternoon.
3. Don’t push him. If you keep nagging him, or trying to force him to talk, he’ll probably dig his heels in and finally refuse. It could put a very real strain on your relationship if you don’t allow him some time to think he’ll start resenting you. He won’t open up, he’ll close up. It’s up to him and how he wants to do it. He might have a reason for not wanting to share with you- maybe a bad experience in the past with trust. You should talk it over with him, and let him know why you want him to open up.
4. Listen to him. Even if he tells you something that reminds you of you, the focus should be on him. If he’s reluctant to share his feelings, don’t interrupt him when he finally does start opening up. Show him that he can trust you, and pay attention to what he has to say. You want him to open up- show him the benefits, and how it helps the relationship. How it also brings the two of you closer.

It’s not an impossible task getting your man to share his feelings with you. But it will take time, patience and understanding on your part- and in the end, you’ll both be happier for it.

Divorce can be one of the most stressful times of your life- it’s painful finishing your relationship, it can get messy and when children are involved it gets even more emotionally complicated. You have to deal with your own pain, and try your best to help your children through it, too. Kids all react to divorce differently. You’ll need to be both strong emotionally and patient with them, because children tend to cope with divorce by acting out in some ways. A few steps you can take to help make the change for your kids as painless as possible:

1. Talk to them. They’ll need to know exactly what changes will happen, in the most straight-forward language as possible. This means no playing the blame-game or pointing fingers at your almost-ex. You should both show your children a united front, letting them know that it has nothing to do with them. That you still love them unconditionally, even if your relationship with your partner has changed. Also watch what and how you say things to other people when your children are around. They’ll be listening closely and any additional negativity will be picked up on.
2. Make the change gradually. Try to keep things as normal as possible. Small changes over a period of time helps children adjust to the divorce. You should also include them in the process, or explaining as you go why these changes are happening. The more honest you are, without judgment, the better off your kids will be in understanding and coping.
3. Let them express themselves. They’ll be adjusting just as much as you are to the divorce. Keep tabs on their emotions, and pay attention to any changes or mood swings. Let them tell you how they’re feeling openly. They might not say what you want to hear but they need to know their feelings are just as important as yours. They shouldn’t feel like they’re walking on eggshells, and if they think they have to hold things in they’ll be reactive later.
4. Be supportive. Helping your children cope with your divorce involves a lot of security issues. They need full knowledge that they’ll have some changes, but that they’ll still be loved and taken care of by both of you. This doesn’t mean that you should shower them with toys, but give them emotional affection. Remember that each child reacts differently: some will be much quieter, some will act as if nothing happened or that there aren’t any changes and some will have behavior issues, even months after the divorce.
5. Give yourself time for you. You’ll need to be strong enough for both you and your children, which means keeping to the same schedules they’re used to, eating right and taking care of yourself. You’ll have your own emotional needs to take care of- it’s a long process. The best way you can help your children with the divorce is by making sure you’re OK.

It will be difficult getting you and your family through the divorce. But you can do it. Realizing how to help your children cope can help you put the pieces back together. Giving you all the ability to move forward in a positive way.

Starting a new relationship and afraid of making the same mistakes again? If you don’t learn from past experience – what’s the point? As all of us know, there is no end to the number of times we can keep making the same mistakes. Learn how to stop what doesn’t work!!

1.  
   1. Accept responsibility for EVERY relationship you have ever been in.
      • None of this 50/50 BS. Take 100 percent responsibility and you will take back 100% of your power.
      • I had a moment of enlightenment many years ago when I was getting out of a major relationship. My friends agreed with me that he was so shallow and I was so deep (ah…to have good friends); a real mismatch. But my realization.. was that for the time we were together we were a perfect match. My stuff overlapped his stuff and that as much as I complained about his ability to be intimate, if I could have really done it, (be intimate), I certainly wouldn’t have stayed with someone who couldn’t as long as I did.
      • YOU are the one constant in every relationship you are in.
   1. Do not have “overlap relationships”. You need time to process feelings and information.
      • The absolute worse thing you can do when getting out of a relationship, is to quickly get in another.
      • You need time to process; to figure out what went wrong, what was good, what was bad. If you don’t spend this time you will never be able to learn from your mistakes.
      • You also need time to grieve. Even if you are glad to be out, don’t forget, you had hopes and dreams and none of them are going to happen. There’s a certain sadness when dreams don’t come to fruition.
   1. Do not rationalize. If it doesn’t feel good, it probably isn’t.
      • Do you pay attention to the red flags or do you just ignore them because you have an agenda (to be in a new relationship) and don’t want to be thrown off course?
      • Remember – What is in darkness is going to come to light eventually.
      • Be brave. Deal with your feelings even though feeling them might scare you. It’s all coming out. It’s just whether it comes sooner or later.
   1. Spend time alone. Unless you can be alone, you will never have healthy relationships.
      • Spending time alone, being able to enjoy your own company is the key to all good relationships.
      • Do you like your own company? Are you afraid to be alone?
      • If the answer is yes – that is exactly what you need to do.

In a national competition, Chandra Alexander, MSW, was selected by THE OPRAH MAGAZINE as the Life Coach to deliver a series of coaching sessions to the grand prize winner of their prestigious Toyota Moving Forward contest. She also spent five years on NBC/TV “DAYTIME” giving a weekly “Reality Check”. Chandra has been living and teaching authenticity for the last 30 years and is the founder of Coaching for Authenticity, a place to explore and discover the essence of who you really are.

Dealing with a break-up is terribly difficult. The whole process can interrupt your life. It might seem like you’ll never recover, or never love again. You will. You just need to take your time, and be patient with yourself and your heart. There isn’t any set time limit on a break-up, or perfect emotional tools in getting over someone you love. It depends on how long you were together, who broke up with who and your personality. There are some general guidelines you can use when you’re recovering from a broken heart that you can use to help you get over your ex.

First and foremost, you should be focusing on you- on taking care of yourself, on getting back to being yourself. Part of the difficulty of a break-up comes from having shared everything with your partner, sometimes even going from living together to living alone again. It’s a huge adjustment to make. Part of what can help you in the process is going back to your you- remembering who you are, what you like- and getting rid of the history of your relationship.

If you still have contact with your ex, stop- take a complete break from any phone calls, texts or emails. Re-opening the wound, over and over again, doesn’t help you feel better. In fact, it keeps you in the mourning process with very little progress forward. This is the time for re-decorating, getting that new haircut or getting new clothes or joining new clubs. This is the ideal time for you to re-invent yourself, even if just a little- you’ll feel better. The busier you keep yourself, the more improvements you do the easier the break-up gets.

Remind yourself of all of your wonderful qualities, and all of the great things you have to offer. It can make you feel insecure, and second-guess yourself. It’s only natural, but part of the break-up process is also realizing you have so many good points. The relationship couldn’t have happened if you didn’t both have something you each liked and found attractive. The more confident you become, the more you’ll start feeling like yourself again.

Losing someone you really love isn’t easy for anyone. But you can get back to yourself, and even come out from a break-up a happier, better you. One that is stronger, more confident and eventually, someone who will be ready to love and be loved again.

Are you looking for your match and not quite sure how to find it? Here’s what to look for and the clues and questions to ask yourself:

1. You learn what you want by knowing what you don’t want.

• We never wake up one day and know exactly what we want. Everyone learns through a process of elimination.
• We usually go in through the back door, figuring out all the things we don’t like. “Not this, not this”, we say all the while moving closer to what works for us
• If you don’t feel “clearer” as to what works for you, you are doing something wrong.

1. You will attract to you who you are.

• You will automatically attract a match for your vibration.
• If you don’t like what your are attracting, stop and take a look at yourself.  Take responsibility for “pulling” the wrong kind of person for you. 
•  Stop until you can honestly reassess and know you have broken that dysfunctional pattern. 

1. There is never a “right” time to say what you feel. Speak up – share feelings and ask questions.

• Right now is the right time. There is never a right time not to be nervous.  We all get nervous when we put our feelings on the line.
• When you try to figure out when the right time is, you lose important time, time that belongs to you.
• Be dignified, treat the other the same way you would want to be treated, take a deep breath and speak your feelings.

1. Unless you learn from your mistakes, you will keep repeating what doesn’t work.

• There is no end to the number of times you can make the same mistakes.
• You will be old and not look good in your clothes if you don’t learn from your mistakes.
• Grow old gracefully and do things differently.

    5.  Ask yourself, “Do I feel comfortable being “me” in this relationship?’

• Do you feel accepted – as a work in progress? 
• Do you feel comfortable in your own skin when you are with your partner?
• Can you laugh at yourself?

In a national competition, Chandra Alexander, MSW, was selected by THE OPRAH MAGAZINE as the Life Coach to deliver a series of coaching sessions to the grand prize winner of their prestigious Toyota Moving Forward contest. She also spent five years on NBC/TV “DAYTIME” giving a weekly “Reality Check”. Chandra has been living and teaching authenticity for the last 30 years and is the founder of Coaching for Authenticity, a place to explore and discover the essence of who you really are.