Relationships are not an easy thing, by any means. There are the beautiful, sunny points and the rough-patches that each relationship has to go through. We’ve all had good and bad relationships, but when you’re in what you once thought was a great relationship that is now going sour, you can feel helpless. Is there any way you can work your way back to the beginning, or at least iron out the problems you’re having? Of course there is- when you really want to save your relationship and make it work, you have to put the effort in. Both of you. But most relationships are salvageable. In fact many that get through the difficulties end up being stronger after. A few things to keep in mind, when you’re repairing a bad relationship:
Communication is one of the main reasons relationships start to suffer and fall apart. The less communication you have, the more the other person is put in the role of ‘partner/psychic,’ and many times they guess you wrong. It’s up to you to tell your partner what’s going on inside of your head. There are different ways of talking to them, without getting in an argument.
Start off by finding a good, calm time you can both sit down and make a date. Set it a few days ahead, and let them know that you’d like to discuss the relationship. This gives you both time to sit down and think about your personal needs or wants, and things you think you can do better. This is a time to be very honest with yourself- it is, after all, with the goal of making your relationship better. If you want to criticize anything about the partner or the relationship itself, think about your wording carefully.
Speaking about trouble in a relationship is never easy, but you can make it less painful if when you do talk- you’re not playing the Blame Game. It’s a lot better if you start out with accountability of where you can improve, before pointing fingers at your partner. Also discussing each point thoroughly without rushing through it can be helpful.
Come up with valid solutions for the problems you’re having, and agree on them together. It won’t be exactly useful if you find a way that isn’t going to work, or is imbalanced between the two of you.
Working on repairing your relationship also means working on yourself, to some extent. You have to be open to change, even minor changes, if it’s going to get back to a golden relationship.
Everyone has problems in their relationships from time to time. If you feel you can repair your bad relationship, there’s no time like the present to start working your way back to happiness.

Did you both agree that you’d be a stay-at-home mom and now your husband tells you “You have it easy?” Do you feel you do “everything” around the house and feel resentful because of it?

1. Did you both decide you would stay home and raise the children and he would have a job outside the house?

• If you both decided on how you would divide the duties in your house, why are you now having these issues?
• Just because a woman agrees to take care of the children does not mean she will take care of everything. It also does not mean that she can be financially irresponsible and not know what she has and doesn’t have.
• And just because a man makes the money, does not mean that he is not part of taking care of the house and children.

2.  Both partners do different jobs during the day, but at day’s end, both are parents and both are responsible for the life they have created.

• Expressing gratitude for one another’s contribution is the key to a strong, healthy relationship. 
• Does your husband value what you do as much as he values what he does?
• Are you secure in what you do and do you feel like an equal partner in the relationship? 

3. Does your husband or partner tell you “You have it easy” and do you defend your position?

• If you feel you are doing your job, never let anyone tell you that you have it easy; and never defend yourself.
• When your partner says that to you, he is either being critical or resentful; he is not sharing his real feelings with you.
• If one partner is resentful, it will erode the relationship. 

4. Does the moneymaker have the power in your relationship?

• It’s unfortunate, but making money seems to often take precedence over doing good work.
• Do not feel controlled because you do not make the money.
• If you feel powerful in your position, you will not allow yourself to be diminished.

5.  Do you feel that what you do is as important as what your husband does?

• You need to feel good about what you do. If you feel your contribution is less than your husbands’s or feel you are afraid to work for a living, you will always be in a one down position.
• Knowing you can take care of yourself, gives you the power to do whatever you want and feel good about it.
• Remember, no one can ever make you feel less about yourself unless you feel that way already.

In a national competition, Chandra Alexander, MSW, was selected by THE OPRAH MAGAZINE as the Life Coach to deliver a series of coaching sessions to the grand prize winner of their prestigious Toyota Moving Forward contest. She also spent five years on NBC/TV “DAYTIME” giving a weekly “Reality Check”. Chandra has been living and teaching authenticity for the last 30 years and is the founder of Coaching for Authenticity, a place to explore and discover the essence of who you really are.

Men are notorious for bottling things up, not being nearly as talkative as women and not expressing their emotions often. The strong, silent stereotype comes from somewhere. When you’re in a relationship with a quiet partner, you can find it difficult to get him to share his feelings or open up to you. It can complicate the relationship, because without a lot of communication, it can lead to distance or even arguments between you. Neither one of you are mind-readers, which is why you’d like him to share his feelings with you. Maybe you just want to get to know him better, hear more about his past, or his family. How can you get him to open up without hurting the relationship?

1. Be patient. You’re asking him to make a change, or want him to make a change. No one likes being changed. Relationships are based on compromise, so if you want him to do something for you you’ll have to be willing to do the same for him. Don’t expect he’ll tell you his life-story overnight. If he’s not used to talking about himself, it could make him uncomfortable. Let him set the pace, the time and the amount of information.
2. Find a good atmosphere for him to talk in. The more comfortable he feels, the more willing he’ll be able to share. Which means that loud, noisy places are out. The perfect place for talking can be by going for a walk. It’s relaxing, it gives him a chance to speak when he wants and it takes away the pressure of face to face intensity. Or quiet time, in the afternoon.
3. Don’t push him. If you keep nagging him, or trying to force him to talk, he’ll probably dig his heels in and finally refuse. It could put a very real strain on your relationship if you don’t allow him some time to think he’ll start resenting you. He won’t open up, he’ll close up. It’s up to him and how he wants to do it. He might have a reason for not wanting to share with you- maybe a bad experience in the past with trust. You should talk it over with him, and let him know why you want him to open up.
4. Listen to him. Even if he tells you something that reminds you of you, the focus should be on him. If he’s reluctant to share his feelings, don’t interrupt him when he finally does start opening up. Show him that he can trust you, and pay attention to what he has to say. You want him to open up- show him the benefits, and how it helps the relationship. How it also brings the two of you closer.

It’s not an impossible task getting your man to share his feelings with you. But it will take time, patience and understanding on your part- and in the end, you’ll both be happier for it.

Starting a new relationship and afraid of making the same mistakes again? If you don’t learn from past experience – what’s the point? As all of us know, there is no end to the number of times we can keep making the same mistakes. Learn how to stop what doesn’t work!!

1.  
   1. Accept responsibility for EVERY relationship you have ever been in.
      • None of this 50/50 BS. Take 100 percent responsibility and you will take back 100% of your power.
      • I had a moment of enlightenment many years ago when I was getting out of a major relationship. My friends agreed with me that he was so shallow and I was so deep (ah…to have good friends); a real mismatch. But my realization.. was that for the time we were together we were a perfect match. My stuff overlapped his stuff and that as much as I complained about his ability to be intimate, if I could have really done it, (be intimate), I certainly wouldn’t have stayed with someone who couldn’t as long as I did.
      • YOU are the one constant in every relationship you are in.
   1. Do not have “overlap relationships”. You need time to process feelings and information.
      • The absolute worse thing you can do when getting out of a relationship, is to quickly get in another.
      • You need time to process; to figure out what went wrong, what was good, what was bad. If you don’t spend this time you will never be able to learn from your mistakes.
      • You also need time to grieve. Even if you are glad to be out, don’t forget, you had hopes and dreams and none of them are going to happen. There’s a certain sadness when dreams don’t come to fruition.
   1. Do not rationalize. If it doesn’t feel good, it probably isn’t.
      • Do you pay attention to the red flags or do you just ignore them because you have an agenda (to be in a new relationship) and don’t want to be thrown off course?
      • Remember – What is in darkness is going to come to light eventually.
      • Be brave. Deal with your feelings even though feeling them might scare you. It’s all coming out. It’s just whether it comes sooner or later.
   1. Spend time alone. Unless you can be alone, you will never have healthy relationships.
      • Spending time alone, being able to enjoy your own company is the key to all good relationships.
      • Do you like your own company? Are you afraid to be alone?
      • If the answer is yes – that is exactly what you need to do.

In a national competition, Chandra Alexander, MSW, was selected by THE OPRAH MAGAZINE as the Life Coach to deliver a series of coaching sessions to the grand prize winner of their prestigious Toyota Moving Forward contest. She also spent five years on NBC/TV “DAYTIME” giving a weekly “Reality Check”. Chandra has been living and teaching authenticity for the last 30 years and is the founder of Coaching for Authenticity, a place to explore and discover the essence of who you really are.

I went out into my backyard today to look at my crop of Indiana Tomatoes.  I was quite disappointed to find that they still have not ripened.  The weather has been very cool this year and that means the tomatoes ripen more slowly.    I am losing my patience because I want vine ripe tomatoes NOW!

Ironically,  I came into my office to open an email from one of our newest clients.  He and I are meeting for some one to one coaching around his DISC profile, he is a high D and likes results, NOW.   In his email he stated “Please send me the roster of current and past participants, so that I may have 2 referral partners identified by the time we meet.” Oh if it were only that easy!

Unfortunately,  the key to developing strong strategic relationships with a referral partner is patience.  Like my tomato plants there is more  involved than just sticking the plant in the ground and telling it to produce.   Your referral network must be nurtured, tended to, and supported.

Here are four keys to developing a strong referral network and growing good tomatoes

1. Identify the right kind of person to build the relationship with.  Just as choosing  the right kind of tomato plant is important,  you need to know what kind of referral relationship you want.  You can have contact sphere relationships that will yield lots of little incidental leads that can keep you very busy, kind of like the little cherry tomato plant that will give you bowls full of tomatoes quickly, or you can have a full fledged referral partnership that will yield larger, proactive,  high value referrals.  Similar to the the Big Boy tomato plant.  They take longer to grow, but well worth the wait.

2. Understand that time and consistent nurturing is required.  You can’t  just throw the plant in the ground and expect tomatoes to spring forth.  The same holds true for your referral relationships.  The relationship has to be built on a foundation of trust, understanding, collaboration and educations.

3. There has to be give and take in the process.  The tomato plant needs care, water, and plant food in return you get juicy red ripe tomatoes for all of your efforts.  When you give to your referral network they will in return give to you, if you consistently take with out giving eventually your network will wither and little or no fruit will be provided.

4. Diversity is important, this year I planted one kind of tomato, so of course I am still waiting.  If you plant a variety of tomatoes; plant some cherry tomatoes who will yield great flavor quickly,  as well as the slow growing variety that give your the bigger more flavorful fruit later in the year.  Your referral network can be built with a variety of relationships.  Those who will give you leads to follow up on while you are waiting for those that will give you the quality of referrals that will allow you to work smarter not harder.    Those little tomatoes will keep you fed until the big ones are ready!

Over time and with the right work, you can have  consistent quality referrals coming into your pipeline from a well nurtured network.  Remember, like the tomato plant, it takes time and work before you realize the fruit of your labor.  Be patient and don’t try to rush the process!

Hazel M Walker, owns three award winning franchise’s. She is a 10 year owner of two BNI Franchises where she teaches members how to leverage their time and network to build each others businesses. She is also a Referral Institute franchise owner and teaches Business Owners how to harness the Science of Referrals to develop Referrals for Life. Hazel is a published author in New York Times best sellers Masters of Networking and Masters of Sales. As a member of the National Speakers Association she travels the world speaking to businesses and women’s organizations on the topics of networking to create a life you love.

Do you lie? Do you know that the focus of lying is never about the lie, but about the person telling it?  Things You Need To Know About Lying: 

1. Lying has nothing to do with the specific lie being told; it has to do with a person’s character.
   • Lying is NEVER okay. 
   • Ask yourself – If you told this person the truth might he make a decision other the one he is making?  When your objective is to deceive or withhold information from the other person in some way, you are lying.
   • Check out Sisela Bok, 1978, Lying, Moral Choice in Public and Private Life. (Clich here to learn more about lying)

1. If you excuse lying sometimes, you will continue to lie.
   • Do not excuse lying.  You tell yourself you do not want to hurt her feelings, but in the end, you end up hurting her more.
   • Sometimes it is difficult to tell another how you are really feeling, but at this point it is merely a communication problem.
   •  Learn how to be authentic and at the same time take into account another’s feelings. 

1. When you allow lying in your life, you lose your dignity and self-esteem.
   • We ALL know lying is bad, a sign of weak character. 
   • When you lie, only you know that; and you suffer from a lack of self-esteem and self-respect. 
   •  You cannot have real relationships without dignity and self-esteem.

1. Lying creates secrets and secrets isolate people from one another.
   • Lying is a betrayal between two people and deprives the person being lied to of making decisions based on the truth. 
   • We all deserve the right to decide for ourselves what is best for us. 
   • Without honest and accurate information, we cannot do that.

1. Lying destroys love.
   • This says it all.

In a national competition, Chandra Alexander, MSW, was selected by THE OPRAH MAGAZINE as the Life Coach to deliver a series of coaching sessions to the grand prize winner of their prestigious Toyota Moving Forward contest. She also spent five years on NBC/TV “DAYTIME” giving a weekly “Reality Check”. Chandra has been living and teaching authenticity for the last 30 years and is the founder of Coaching for Authenticity, a place to explore and discover the essence of who you really are.

Update: This post was also published at Damsels in Success.

Recently, more of my time is spent meeting with people who request to meet with me, instead of the other way around. Here’s some advice from being on the other side:

1) Give me a compelling reason to answer you. A lot of networking advice tells you to just check in with someone so that you’re on their mind.

But this sucks for busy people.

When you receive hundreds of emails a week, an email that “checks in” is like a nag draining you to do the dishes. That’s because while the email needs to be answered it becomes the lowest priority out of all the rest.

That email subsequently makes me feel guilty, sits in my inbox until the end of the week, and by the time I have time to answer it with something nice and charming, I’m exhausted.

So please, don’t check in with me unless you’re family.

Instead, tell me why you’re writing. Be interesting. Tell me that you were just in the paper, or that you’re working on a new project and want my feedback, or how you can help me, or that you just went on a great road trip. Preferably, the shorter and the more value, the better.

Networking is about developing relationships. Act like it.

2) Don’t lead me on. Someone recently tried to schedule a meeting with me, and then proceeded to reschedule the meeting, not once, not twice, but four times.

Now, I reschedule meetings all the time. It’s the nature of the beast. But there comes a point when you should use the etiquette napkin to clean up your act.

I also recently requested information from a piano teacher and found her rate to be quite expensive. When she followed up with me, I told her that it wasn’t in my budget. I could have told her I didn’t have the time, or that I needed to think about it, but being a tease is only acceptable on a Friday night. Outside of that, you’re just annoying.

3) Be specific, but mysterious, and a little humorous. When asking for things like meetings or advice, it’s important to give just the right amount of detail in a succinct manner. Something like, “I’d like to meet with you to learn more about you, tell you about the new idea I have to restructure my organization, and I hear you like blueberry pie, so I know we’ll have lots in common.”

Now I know not only that you’re interested in me, but why you’re talking to me, and I’m excited to meet you. Think of it as email foreplay.

Also, when people offer to pay for my lunch as an incentive to go to a meeting, I love this. Because as I’ve mentioned, I’m on a budget. But if I told the President of some company I would pay for his lunch, not so good. You have to find value in a way that’s important and specific to that person.

Use the internet to find out what might work. You don’t have to say, “I stalked you on Google,” but simply “Oh, I heard you enjoy sushi.”

4) Don’t ask for something I can’t give you. A lot of people email me and ask for things. We all like this, because it makes us feel special and powerful.

But it’s frustrating when you’re asking for something I can’t give you. Don’t ask me to promote your product on my blog when I’ve never promoted products on my blog. Don’t ask me to allow you to “give a talk” on your services when my organization has never allowed that.

There aren’t a lot of lines to cross when you’re asking for help, so you’ll know what’s right and wrong by simply paying attention.

Nobody likes to say no. Make it easy for me to say yes and the conversation will be gravy. In fact, letting me help you in a way that’s easy for me will increase my goodwill towards you. Funny how life works.

5) Tell me how you can help my friends. This is the Holy Grail of networking advice.

There’s only so much that I can do individually for my network and the very nature of having a network is expanding it so that we can all help each other more. Similarly, there’s only so much that a CEO can do for his company, a manager for his employees, and so on.

To that end, I’m always excited when people come to me with opportunities that I can pass on to others in my organization. This is probably even more important than helping me directly, because it makes me look good.

It’s also probably the hardest to do, but if you can pull it off, you’ll be so awesome you can give yourself a gold star.

Networkit.

When you make a commitment – can you keep it? Here are the reasons why commitments work:

1. There is an ease being with the other person.

• You like that person’s company better than anyone else’s.
• It’s a great feeling to really like the person you are with. What a relief!!
• Like and respect go hand and hand and are essential to loving.

2. You feel safe. We naturally want to keep commitments when we feel safe.

• You know that no matter what happens, the other person would never intentionally hurt you.
• You also feel you can be vulnerable. If you can’t cry with your partner, you can never really be open.
• Knowing another is an honor; there is a sacredness that is acknowledged, recognized, and never broken.

3. You feel supported personally and professionally and feel encouraged to develop your skills and talents.

• Even when those interests are different than your own, you are supportive of your partner.
• Real loving means you want the same things for your partner that you want for yourself.
• Nothing is more loving than having support and encouragement when going in a new direction.

4. Even when things get tough, you stay when you want to go, because you “know” this is where you belong.

• Assuming the relationship is reasonably healthy, you’re not so quick to run when you get upset or discouraged.
• All relationships go through fits and starts and you are willing to go through these times without creating great drama.
• Navigating these difficult junctures is what the makes the relationship flexible (able to bend without breaking) and makes you feel good about yourself and the other. It’s what deepens the bond and opens your heart to loving.

In a national competition, Chandra Alexander, MSW, was selected by THE OPRAH MAGAZINE as the Life Coach to deliver a series of coaching sessions to the grand prize winner of their prestigious Toyota Moving Forward contest. She also spent five years on NBC/TV “DAYTIME” giving a weekly “Reality Check”. Chandra has been living and teaching authenticity for the last 30 years and is the founder of Coaching for Authenticity, a place to explore and discover the essence of who you really are.

Are you confused about the differences between men and women, want to earn a big paycheck, but still want your car door opened? Equality and courting are not mutually exclusive and exist side by side in the best relationships.

1.  Equality refers to opportunity; it is very different than courting.

• Courting happens in the heart, equality happens in the brain.
• Courting bypasses the brain. When a man opens a car door for a woman there is male/female exchange of energy.
• He feels more male and she feels more female.  This is what creates the chemistry.

2.  As women, when we try to be the same as a man, we deny ourselves the enjoyment of being a woman.

• Although we may come into this world as either male or female, unless we enjoy who we are, we miss a lot of delight and joy.
• I do not think our sex is an accident.
• I know why I am female this time (I have lessons to learn). PS. I could do male standing on my head.

3.  Men are confused about what makes women feel good but we have confused them. And now we don’t like the result.

• Women need to re-evaluate what feels good to them.
• In order for there to be chemistry, the male/female polarity needs to be in place.
• In relationship, when a woman behaves like a man she automatically pulls a more feminine male counterpart and then wonders why a strong, masculine man is not attracted to her.

4.  Men and Women are different and different things make them feel good.

• Do not try to make a man like your girlfriends, and do not treat a woman like one of the guys. Nothing more needs to be said.
• A feeling of equality comes naturally when we have nothing to prove and can simply enjoy the differences.
• This is clearly a case where the whole is more than the sum of its parts.

In a national competition, Chandra Alexander, MSW, was selected by THE OPRAH MAGAZINE as the Life Coach to deliver a series of coaching sessions to the grand prize winner of their prestigious Toyota Moving Forward contest. She also spent five years on NBC/TV “DAYTIME” giving a weekly “Reality Check”. Chandra has been living and teaching authenticity for the last 30 years and is the founder of Coaching for Authenticity, a place to explore and discover the essence of who you really are.

“Have a lot of time to kill? Take on a love project and share the great moments of doing something special together.”

Are you bored of having a lot of time in your hands and not knowing what to do with it? The both of you might have watched all the movies in town and been out to all the restaurants. Things can be boring if you have nothing to do, but you can also utilize this time to do something exciting and something that will bond the both of you together.

Planning It

First of all, the both of you will never be interested in doing this. One of you would rather laze than be busy doing something, so make sure you’re the one who’s going to initiate a project. It could be painting your room, a simple table stand or an ant farm, or maybe even a tree house! It can be really exciting to do this, and once you get all the things you would need, you can rest assured your partner would join you in your little project. It is really exciting once you plan the whole thing out and get the work rolling.

Doing It

Once you’ve racked your brains and got the blueprint laid out, its time to get into action. Start working one step at a time, and give yourself the required time to do it. Say, three or four weekends. The both of you might start slow, but once you’re in the groove, this can be really enjoyable and can help the both of you bond a lot better.

The Romantic Touches

This is the best part of a love project – the touch of a romance. Compete with each other, kiss and help each other. Take a break together and grab a sandwich. Laugh about the way each of you look, with paint across your cheeks and glue in your hair. And as you complete your project, add a few romantic touches to it by maybe signing te finished project or by adding a few personal details that could remind you about the times you shared while doing this project even after many years.

Remember, it’s not the outcome of the project that matters the most, it’s the memories that the both of you would share while doing the project that matters. And more than anything else, it’s about your ability to work together as a team and the sense of accomplishment that comes from doing something together, a good love project!