Are you and your partner compatible but have no sexual chemistry? If you are struggling with this issue, you are not alone. My experience is that all great relationships have both chemistry and compatibility.

1. If you feel this is a problem, it is. Ignoring it makes it worse.

• This problem does not go away, not matter what excuses you make or how much you want it to disappear.
• Actually, over time, it gets worse.
• Neither chemistry nor compatibility is able to hold the relationship alone

1. You are not being selfish to want both.  You deserve it.

• Ask yourself:  Do I deserve to have both a best friend and a lover in the same person?
• And mostly, do you deserve love?
• You need to answer yes to this question.

1. You cannot talk yourself into chemistry or compatibility.

• There is only one thing sadder than two people who have good sexual chemistry yet can’t seem to be good friends, and that is best friends who just don’t have that sexual chemistry.
• Oftentimes, best friends stay together and deny their sexual nature.
• Resentment usually builds over time.

1. When you have both, the relationship grows in a healthy way.

• All healthy relationships have both chemistry and friendship; this is what allows the partnership to grow and flourish.
• The only way to make-up is with friendship and chemistry.
• Chemistry draws us back to other person even when we are angry and friendship makes us glad we got over our differences.

    5.  This is the cycle and both are needed to complete the circle.

• We are hard-wired for chemistry and your hard-wiring is connected to another’s hard-wiring.
• Respect creates compatibility and sustains it.  Without respect, compatibility goes.
• Compatibility nourishes chemistry and chemistry enlivens compatibility. 

In a national competition, Chandra Alexander, MSW, was selected by THE OPRAH MAGAZINE as the Life Coach to deliver a series of coaching sessions to the grand prize winner of their prestigious Toyota Moving Forward contest. She also spent five years on NBC/TV “DAYTIME” giving a weekly “Reality Check”. Chandra has been living and teaching authenticity for the last 30 years and is the founder of Coaching for Authenticity, a place to explore and discover the essence of who you really are.

Are you killing your relationship by constantly talking about it?  If you’re talking your relationship to death, learn how to stop talking about your life and start living it.

1. Constant discussion is an addiction.  This has nothing to do with the relationship.
   • Constantly talking about the relationship becomes a substitute for actually living one. 
   • Constant discussion is an addiction and keeps you anesthetized.  When you stay focused in your head, rather than your heart, you are always one step away from connecting. 

     2. Stop calling family and friends to gain consensus for your point of view.

• Are you doing this?  Be really honest with yourself.  When you are always giving your point of view and have the need for someone to agree with you, this has nothing to do with feeling right and all to do with wanting to be right.
• Gaining consensus for your point of view is all about the ego.  The truth is you feel bad and are looking for the person on the other end of the phone to make you feel good.  This is simply a momentary high and will not last very long before you have to pick up the phone and call someone else.

     3. Do you feel rejected if you do not get the answer you want from   your    partner?

• Is it okay to discuss differing points of view and not be invested in getting the other person to see it your way?  Can you be with someone who sees it differently than you do?
• This does not mean you put up with behavior that is disrespectful or objectionable, but rather that you do not “try” and change someone else.
• People change because they want to change.  Simple express how you feel and see what the other person does.

      4. Do you need to know where your partner is all the time?

• Constant “relationship” talk is always about insecurity and often results in having to know where your partner is at every minute. This behavior is very unattractive and ultimately will destroy the relationship.

      5. Do you get anxious when you think of being alone?

• If you cannot be alone, cannot enjoy your own company, you can never have a healthy relationship. 

In a national competition, Chandra Alexander, MSW, was selected by THE OPRAH MAGAZINE as the Life Coach to deliver a series of coaching sessions to the grand prize winner of their prestigious Toyota Moving Forward contest. She also spent five years on NBC/TV “DAYTIME” giving a weekly “Reality Check”. Chandra has been living and teaching authenticity for the last 30 years and is the founder of Coaching for Authenticity, a place to explore and discover the essence of who you really are.

Are you living with someone whose anger is out of control?  Unleashed anger is a form of emotional abuse.  Ask yourself the following questions: 

1. Does your partner’s rage scare you?
   • Be honest.  Do you recoil when your partner exhibits aggressive behavior?  Aggressive behavior is designed to shut you up, to cause you to back away, to scare you. 
   • Anger comes in many forms – verbal as well as physical – psychological as well as emotional and mental. 

1. Do you think about everything you say before you say it?
   • If part of this scenario is that you have a “walking on eggs” relationship that means you are tiptoeing around the other person; you are afraid of the other’s reaction.
   • Continually thinking what you are going to say before you say it is a form of torture and yet many people live this way.  There is nothing worse than constantly going over your words, trying to make sure you say the right thing.  Once you are in this place, regardless of what you say, it will not be the right thing.

1. Does your partner ridicule you for expressing yourself?
   • Do you feel belittled and diminished in this relationship?  When you express your feelings do you end up wishing you hadn’t? 
   • Do you struggle to be taken seriously?  At some point do you feel worn down and just give up?  Remember – this is the goal of rage and anger and if you continue to participate in this process, it will only get worse.

1. Does your partner go for the jugular, saying things to wound you?
   • Knowing another is an honor and when your vulnerabilities are used against you, there is nothing worse.  Going for the jugular means that your partner knows exactly what to say to hurt you that will immediately STOP the conversation and cause you to retreat.

1. Does your partner throw away your belongings, destroy objects and   threaten pets?
   • If this is happening, you need to leave immediately. 
   • Physical violence happens in an instant but builds gradually.  It is only a matter of time before this relationship escalates into physical abuse.

In a national competition, Chandra Alexander, MSW, was selected by THE OPRAH MAGAZINE as the Life Coach to deliver a series of coaching sessions to the grand prize winner of their prestigious Toyota Moving Forward contest. She also spent five years on NBC/TV “DAYTIME” giving a weekly “Reality Check”. Chandra has been living and teaching authenticity for the last 30 years and is the founder of Coaching for Authenticity, a place to explore and discover the essence of who you really are

Do you feel stuck in your relationship and can’t figure out what to do next? How do you know if you are stuck? 

1. You keep repeating the same story over and over again.

• Are you finally bored with your story?
• Until you are tired of hearing the same old stuff, you can never move on.
• Remember, you can “be right” but not “feel right”.

2.  You tell friends and family to get consensus for your point of view.

• Anyone who is not sympathetic to your tale of woe quickly gets deleted from your phone. The more people you can get who agree with you, the more validated and “right” you feel. But the ego is only assuaged for the moment, and you quickly get on the phone to call the next person. 
• And a note to friends and family – You are not doing anyone a favor listening continuously to the drama.
• The more a person repeats his tale of woe, the more hard-wired it becomes.

3. You start every sentence with “Yes, but….” every time you get a suggestion to improve your situation.

• I have a friend I call the “yes, but girl”. No matter what suggestion she is given, her respond is always “yes, but”.
• What that means to me is that she has no intention of changing – she simply makes excuses and wants to be right.
• Being stuck is about being repetitious.  Honestly listen to yourself.

4. You recognize the same patterns even though the names and faces are different.

• OK. Here’s the deal. The names and places are different but he’s the same guy.
• Be honest with yourself. Are the patterns the same from one relationship to the next? Do you keep attracting “commitment phobic” guys?
• If you do, you need to look at yourself and make the adjustment there.

In a national competition, Chandra Alexander, MSW, was selected by THE OPRAH MAGAZINE as the Life Coach to deliver a series of coaching sessions to the grand prize winner of their prestigious Toyota Moving Forward contest. She also spent five years on NBC/TV “DAYTIME” giving a weekly “Reality Check”. Chandra has been living and teaching authenticity for the last 30 years and is the founder of Coaching for Authenticity, a place to explore and discover the essence of who you really are

Do you have a spouse and children, a job you go to everyday and a life that appears busy and full, and yet on the inside you feel numb?   If you are simply going through the motions of a life but feel nothing, learn why feeling something, anything, is better than feeling nothing at all.

1. Ask yourself: Are you flat-lined? 
   • Feeling something, anything, is better than feeling nothing at all.
   • Being “flat-lined” means we do not react appropriately.  Everything seems the “same”.
   • You also lose your sense of humor.

1. When the mind is on overload, the heart closes.
   • You have to feel to have a good life.
   • If all your energy is above the neck, the mind is racing and the heart stays closed.
   • Quieting the mind the mind is the key to moving the energy from above the neck to below it, into the heart area.  This is where you feel things.

1. Alcohol, drugs and medication make you more numb.   Stop these.
   • Sometimes we just need a break from the frantic-ness and don’t know the right way to slow it down.  We take medication to better deal but then end up not dealing at all. 
   • If you don not feel “at home” in your own body, you are most probably over-medicated.
   • Alcohol and drugs are band-aids that will eventually be ripped off to expose the wound below.

1. Be brave and stop making excuses.  Be brutally honest with yourself.
   • You did not get here overnight and you will not be “cured” tomorrow. 
   • Along the way you made lots of decisions that were not in your best interest and now you are living the results of those decisions.  It will take time to chart a new course and feel the result of these new decisions.
   • Unless you are willing to do the work, nothing will ever change.

1. Feeling is our natural state – feel just one thing to begin the process.
   • Sometimes when we have been shut down for a long time, beginning to feel is an arduous process.  We have to re-train ourselves to not retreat emotionally, to not abuse drugs and alcohol, and to not over-medicate. 
   • Stepping into life takes bravery and requires stick-to-it-ness. 
   • When you are willing to what it takes to change old ways that no longer work, you are rewarded with feeling.

In a national competition, Chandra Alexander, MSW, was selected by THE OPRAH MAGAZINE as the Life Coach to deliver a series of coaching sessions to the grand prize winner of their prestigious Toyota Moving Forward contest. She also spent five years on NBC/TV “DAYTIME” giving a weekly “Reality Check”. Chandra has been living and teaching authenticity for the last 30 years and is the founder of Coaching for Authenticity, a place to explore and discover the essence of who you really are.

When we think of addictions, we often think of drugs and alcohol.  But addictions come in many forms. If you are sexually promiscuous, abuse prescription drugs, gamble, constantly view pornography, or shop excessively; you most likely have an addiction problem.

1.  Addictions come in many forms.

o    Do you have indiscriminate sex or constantly view pornography?

o    What about shopping? Do you buy things you don’t need, spend more than you can afford, and feel “special” when purchasing? Does shopping give meaning to a life that feels “meaningless?”

o    Do you spend hours on-line playing poker? Do you leave work early to play or get up when everyone has gone to sleep to play more?

1. All addictions serve to anesthetize you and are about not feeling.

o    Initially you get a high from an addiction, but that does not last for long.

o    Addictions zone you out; they keep you from feeling and in essence flat-line you.

o    The problem with addictions – you need more and more of the addiction to get the same result. More sex to feel zoned, more shopping to get rid of the feelings of loneliness, and bigger bets to blot out the feelings on inadequacy. It never ends and sends you in a downward spiral.

1. Without commitment and discipline, you cannot break an addiction.

o    Breaking an addiction is an attitude change, first and foremost. You must make that commitment to yourself.

o    Discipline means doing things you are not used to doing. It means doing things that are out of the ordinary, things that initially do not feel natural to do.

o    Without making a plan, and setting up a support system, you cannot break and addiction.

1. You must be willing to bear “the anxiety” in order to break an addiction.

o    Breaking an addiction means you are leaving one way of life and entering into another.

o    Entering the unknown always produces a sense of anxiety, a feeling of being out of control. This is normal and natural for us all.

o    As you feed your addiction less and less, your feelings will begin to rise to the surface. You are not used to feeling so these feelings will make you uncomfortable. You need to bear this, as it will pass and you will feel more whole in the process.

1. You cannot think your way out of an addiction – you must feel!

o    Feeling is the key to healing.

o    Thinking always keeps you one step away from the action.

o    Eventually you get “addicted” to feeling your life, the same way you were addicted to gambling and shopping.

In a national competition, Chandra Alexander, MSW, was selected by THE OPRAH MAGAZINE as the Life Coach to deliver a series of coaching sessions to the grand prize winner of their prestigious Toyota Moving Forward contest. She also spent five years on NBC/TV “DAYTIME” giving a weekly “Reality Check”. Chandra has been living and teaching authenticity for the last 30 years and is the founder of Coaching for Authenticity, a place to explore and discover the essence of who you really are.

Do you say how you feel and often end up making your partner defensive? If you have trouble being real because you do not know how to properly communicate your feelings, it is important to learn how to be both tactful and authentic.  

1. Always talk about yourself – not the other person. This is about how YOU feel.

· ONLY talk about yourself and your feelings.

· Connect to your feelings and how they make you feel. Communicate how you feel without blaming anyone else for those feelings.

2. Start each sentence with “I”, not “You”. (“I felt bad”, not “You made me feel bad.”)

· This is a discipline that you learn and the more you do it the more you feel comfortable talking about yourself.

· When you take responsibility for your own feelings, you open the lines of communication with another.

· Not making the other person guess is the kindest thing you can do.

3. Deliver your message in a statement form and do not wait or press for an answer.

· If you have an agenda, i.e., you need the person to agree with you, this is manipulation.

· Everyone knows when they are being manipulated and set-up. The normal reaction to manipulation is to buck it!

· If you need your partner to agree with you in order for you to feel good, you are not coming from a clear place and this communication will back-fire.

4. If you are either withdrawing or confronting, you do not know how to properly communicate.

· State what you have to say with no agenda whatsoever.

· You need to be real, at the same time as you are being respectful.

5. Authenticity is the key to real communication.

· Being tactful without being real always will make you resentful.

· Saying what you feel without being conscious of someone else’s feeling never works.

· Being real always takes into account the connection. Practice being real and connecting at the same time.

In a national competition, Chandra Alexander, MSW, was selected by THE OPRAH MAGAZINE as the Life Coach to deliver a series of coaching sessions to the grand prize winner of their prestigious Toyota Moving Forward contest. She also spent five years on NBC/TV “DAYTIME” giving a weekly “Reality Check”. Chandra has been living and teaching authenticity for the last 30 years and is the founder of Coaching for Authenticity, a place to explore and discover the essence of who you really are.

1. 1. The more time you spend together, the more you like each other.
2. This is something you “feel”, not think.  There is nothing better than really liking another person.  The attraction to another is really about you; how much you like who you are when you are with this person.
3. 2. When angry or upset, never go for the jugular.

• Knowing another person’s secrets and vulnerabilities is an honor and must never be used against them.  There is nothing more hurtful than taking this privileged information and using it as a weapon. Unless you honor the depth of this communication, you can never have a strong relationship. 

1. You enjoy sex with your partner.

• Sex is not about having an itch and scratching it – it is about play, and the joy that comes from letting down your walls.  Being naked is a true metaphor for great sex; the openness that comes from taking off our costume and feeling comfortable in our nakedness.

1. You support one another’s interests, even if they’re different than your own.

• You have to really feel confident and loving to do this.  Do you need your partner to like the same things you like?  Supporting another’s interests comes from an open heart that understands the need to resonate to what is true for you, and not someone else.   

1. You don’t make the other person guess – You say what you need.

• Saying what you need is devoid of manipulation and the only way to have an authentic relationship. Sometimes it is not easy to speak up, but in the long run, it is always easier to bear the anxiety of shaking up the status quo than living with the  resentment and anger that comes with not getting what you want and need.

In a national competition, Chandra Alexander, MSW, was selected by THE OPRAH MAGAZINE as the Life Coach to deliver a series of coaching sessions to the grand prize winner of their prestigious Toyota Moving Forward contest. She also spent five years on NBC/TV “DAYTIME” giving a weekly “Reality Check”. Chandra has been living and teaching authenticity for the last 30 years and is the founder of Coaching for Authenticity, a place to explore and discover the essence of who you really are.